Written October 16, 2015 and saved until now...
August 15, 2015.
I think this picture does a pretty good job of capturing the moment. At a hotel in Franklin, TN, I took a pregnancy test. Not the first, but hopefully the last for some time. As I sat waiting for the result, my mind raced with a million thoughts. If it was negative again, I would be so disappointed. But if it was positive, would I really be able to cope with the anxiety that would follow? Was I ready to start this journey again? When I saw that positive result, I felt immediate relief, followed by panic. What a relief to be done with the TTC journey, and what panic to be starting the PAL journey. I showed the test to Josh, who responded with pure excitement, and then I started crying. It was a beautiful, exciting, and nerve-wracking moment.
Since then, I have had 3 doctor's appointments with my midwife which have included 2 ultrasounds, and then 1 ultrasound for the 1st trimester screen. Everything has looked great. At each appointment, hearing the heartbeat has provided immediate, albeit short-lived, relief. Within a few days, I go back to wondering and assuming if this baby has died without me knowing it. I tend to err on the assumption that this is the case, because there is not much anyone could do at this point in the pregnancy even if something went wrong. That may seem fatalistic, but it definitely seems easier to assume the worst and then be pleasantly surprised than to assume everything is fine and have your world crash down. I've done the second path, so I figure I will try the first path this time.
Most of the time, it is easy to forget that I am pregnant. I am just starting to show, I feel fine, it is too early to feel the baby move, and not many people know. This is my typical means of coping, to forget momentarily. Because of this, the struggle has been how to bond and make memories with this pregnancy while still protecting my heart that the worst may happen. I don't think there is an answer to this question. I think it will be a daily struggle until this baby comes out.
Telling people I am pregnant has gotten easier. At first, it felt strange to hear their excitement. For while I feel excited, it is definitely not the only emotion I feel. It is getting easier to hear excitement though. I am remembering that this is how most people react to the news of a pregnancy, not with fear and trepidation.
We are doing ok. We will keep hanging on from one appointment to the next.