People often ask a pregnant woman how she is feeling. This is considerate, although awkward. I have decided to be truthful most of the time and answer this question honestly. There are two aspects to take into account when answering this question: how am I doing physically, and how am I doing emotionally. Lucky for most people who ask me this question, I don't go into quite this level of detail with them.
Emotionally: This pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster. It started out tough because it took a long time for me to accept that I was pregnant. Then it was difficult because I couldn't feel the baby move and would often convince myself it was dead. Then I started to feel him move, but it wasn't consistent, so anytime I didn't feel him, I would convince myself he was dead. Now that he is moving a lot more regularly and with bigger movements, I don't worry as much that he is dead, but the current struggle has been preparing for him to come. I have the urge and desire to prepare his room, buy him clothes, buy diapers, etc., but it is just so hard to actually do it. I haven't successfully done any of those things without large and ugly breakdowns first, and even then it has taken quite some time to take any steps towards preparation.
I started working on the nursery over winter break, because I had a few days of extra time. I mostly just sat in there and cried for a long time, followed by moving the furniture around a little. I cried over my little girl who never got to use it, and cried over the uncertainty of the future. I cried over the time I spent preparing it for Sloane, and the time I was about to spend preparing it for a little boy who may never use it. I usually love designing rooms, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head around anything for this room. Part of it is because I want something new and different, but at the same time I don't want to spend money on anything new or different when what we have is perfectly fine.
|To do: navy curtains, wicker baskets on shelf, hang art and leaves|
This Friday, we have our first weekly biophysical profile. They will check baby's movements, breathing, muscle tone, heart rate, and amniotic fluid. The perinatologist said that after a regular/normal BPP, the chance of stillbirth goes down to 1/1000 for the following week. Then I have my normal check-ups with my midwife every 2 weeks until 35ish weeks. Then I will get induced at 37-38 weeks! Which is only 9 weeks away. Which is really really very close.
I remember feeling similarly as I do now when I was pregnant with Sloane-like I am on the brink of a major change in my life, but it is so major that I have no idea what it will be like. I am stuck in between my regular life and my new life, but don't really feel like I am part of either one. The difference with this pregnancy is that I don't assume my new life will be with a baby. I know that it might be, or it might be mourning the loss of him. I just cannot wrap my head around bringing him home.
As we have gotten closer to labor and delivery, I have also started to have more flashbacks to L&D with Sloane, which is really tough. I need to remember that it should be a very different experience since I won't be laboring at home at all and will get induced.
This whole pregnancy after loss thing has surely not been easy. But we have made it to 28 weeks! That alone is plenty to be grateful for and farther than many women ever make it. I don't take that for granted, and in the midst of the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty, I am trying to appreciate every kick and every stage of this baby boy's life so far. Here's to hoping for another healthy 9 weeks!