There are so many acronyms to figure out in the world of TTC (trying to conceive). That alone has been difficult-I wish there was a dictionary for this stuff.
We are coming up on 7 months since Sloane died, and I thought I would be 4 months pregnant by now. You see, I thought it would happen right away, just like it did last time. You would think I would have learned that nothing works the way you think it is going to, but apparently I didn't learn that lesson enough already, so I have some more figuring out to do...
Because I'm not pregnant.
I've been ok not being pregnant yet. I have become hyper-focused on trying to figure out my body and when am I ovulating and when could I get pregnant and is my period late, or is my cycle just longer this time? I've been "ok" in the sense that I am incredibly aware of what stage of my cycle I'm in and when I would be due if I were to get pregnant this time. That's normal, right? I've done ovulation predictor kits and multiple pregnancy tests and basal body temperatures. I feel like I've done it all in a few short months. This TTC journey is exhausting, and there are women who do it for years. I may be one of these women, we will find out. Each of these journeys is unique, and of course, my TTC journey has been coupled with grief and longing for Sloane.
What I have learned in these past 7 months about my body is that it is a mess. I really had high hopes for it, as I mentioned above, but I have come to doubt it and resent it and be angry at it, for many reasons, some obvious, some less so. One of these reasons is that I have had irregular and long cycles, which make TTC again so incredibly frustrating. After last month's 47 day doozie, I called the doc and we made a plan. 47 days. I realize that in the big scheme of things, 47 days may be the blink of an eye, but when you are hoping and waiting and wanting to get pregnant, 47 days is an eternity. Similarly, for some, 7 months TTC may not seem like long, especially after a loss like ours, but let me tell you what-it feels long.
So after speaking with my midwife, the plan is to take Clomid. While she is ever so diplomatic and unbiased enough to let me make my own decision, I could see her wariness about this plan as we spoke about it. Her wariness came because there is an 8% chance of having a multiple pregnancy. Multiple pregnancies come with their own set of risks. To some, they may see a multiple pregnancy as the chance to have more than one baby! To me, I see the chance to lose more than one baby.
In spite of this risk, I jumped on this plan. My heart cannot handle 47+ days with little knowledge of when I ovulate and what is going on. It is too long. So we made our plan and I immediately felt better knowing there was a plan. I'm a planner, and this felt good to me.
Today is day 1 of Clomid, and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. My heart can't handle 47+ days, but can my heart handle being pregnant? I have wanted this and planned for this, talked about this and wished for this, but if it really happens, can my heart handle this?
I have been caught in the midst of faith and fear for 7 months, trying so hard to choose faith and let that faith fill me and move me. I have struggled with what to put my faith in, though-do I have faith that I can conceive without any type of medical intervention? I used to be a believer in childbirth as a natural process, but look where that got me. Or do I put my faith in doing all I can and trusting God will take care of me? At the end of the day, this is the answer I have settled on. I cannot sit and wait, and I think God knows that and understands that. So I have taken action, making the best choice I can, and I will trust in Him that whatever happens will be for my good.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
We stopped in DC on the way down and got to see the cherry blossoms! This has been on my to-do since we moved to DE, so I was happy to see them.
We stopped at a little restaurant in southern VA for lunch and got BBQ and fried green tomatoes. It made us start to get excited for our summer in MS in a couple months!
My friend got married in the LDS Columbia Temple, and it was so wonderful to be there to see and hear them be sealed for eternity. I almost always cry at weddings, and this one was no exception. There is so much love and hope in the room when two people commit to spend their lives and futures together! This sealing was especially emotional for me, as it was the first one we have been to since Sloane died. There was one line that the sealer said that made me realize that although she is gone, she is engaged in doing really important things that are of eternal significance. I felt like she was there with us, and that was incredible.
We stayed at a place called the Magnolia Lodge, a plantation house that was built in the 1850's. They rent out the rooms now, and it was quite the experience. The house was beautiful, although I did miss some of my more modern comforts.
We had a few friends from Colorado who we stayed there with and went to the wedding with. It was so fun to get to see old friends and explore Columbia together!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
I have wonderful people in my life.
Time has continued to move on, which in some ways is good, but in some ways is more difficult. It is good to be busy and be happy and have fun again. But it is difficult to be farther away from the space and time where Sloane was here and we held her and she felt so real.
One of the things that helps this is to have wonderful people who remember her with us; people who really remember her and who feel the sadness and miss her with us. It helps to know we are not alone in this experience, and to know that she continues to be loved in spite of her physical absence, and to know she has made an impact in others' lives as well as our own. I have two incredible, beautiful, kind friends who each gave me a small remembrance of Sloane, but who also bought the same small remembrance for themselves. Both of these women have little girls about the same age Sloane would be, and it means the world to know that they have this remembrance and will think of her as they raise their own daughters. Because all anyone wants is to be remembered.
6 months has past, and to many, I may appear fine. And indeed, in many ways I am fine. But I still have dark moments and times when nothing is ok and it's not fair and I don't know how I can go on and all I want is for her to be here. I want a do-over. 6 months feels like a very long time, and I feel very old compared to who I was a year ago.
So while it has been a few days past since Sloane's 1/2 birthday, I remain grateful to those who remember me, but most importantly to those who remember her and continue to think of her.