Thursday, January 12, 2017

Sometimes motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be...

When I woke up this morning, I tried to take a few minutes laying in bed to mentally prepare myself for the day. Josh was up with Lewis, so I was afforded the luxury of 30 extra minutes in bed by myself.

Today took some mental preparation, because this whole motherhood gig hasn't been easy lately, and I all but dreaded one more day of being home. Maybe the reality of living in Mississippi is finally sinking in, maybe it's Lewis being sick and being unable to leave the house much with him, maybe it's me finally starting to miss my career and the kiddos I used to help everyday. Most likely it's a combination of all of these things, hitting hard all at once. So I tried to pause this morning and prepare for what will likely be another long day following around a sick baby with a tissue, while balancing his own strong desire to move around in spite of his limited mobility.

This week has been tough and there have been moments where I've hid in the kitchen to be out of site of Lewis so he won't cry for me to help him walk around...where I've shed a few tears over my old job and old home and old friends and old favorite places...where I've fretted about the incoming president and wondered what I can do to help my country right now...and many moments where I've complained to my loving Josh and dear friend Amelia, both who understand all of this all too well. It has not been my prettiest week.

In spite of these terrible and hard moments though, there are moments to focus on. And that was a significant portion of my moment of reflection this morning, to try and focus on the moments that matter and hopefully the moments that I will remember. I have a picture of Sloane set as my background on my phone, and seeing her helps me remember to be grateful for every moment I have with Lewis, even the hard ones. And I am-- I am so grateful for Lewis, even in the midst of the snot and cough and tears and whining, I would choose that a million times over not having him with here. He does not make life easier, but he does make my life more full and more joyful and gives me a focus. And even in the midst of the terribleness of this week, there have been moments that I hope I remember- his cheesy grin when he's trying to get out of eating anything else, the 10 seconds of morning snuggles he gave me, his intense focus on trying to reach Franklin. He is a wonderful and miraculous little guy, and I hope to regain a more grateful perspective for his beautiful presence in my life.