Saturday, January 24, 2015

Hope is Too Hard

*Fair warning: this may fall into the category of TMI. You've been warned!*

The past 2 weeks were awful, for many reasons, both physical and emotional. One event that encapsulates both sides of the awful is that I got my period.

This is such a tricky thing- I am ok not being pregnant right now, because I know my body is healing physically and I am getting stronger each and every day. I know my spirit is healing emotionally as I continue to learn to navigate the waters of life without Sloane. I know my relationship is getting stronger as we continue to learn more about each other as we navigate this new space. In my head, I know these things and there is a part of me that is 100% ok, and even happy, to not be pregnant right now. In some ways, it is safe to not be pregnant, because I am not open to the potential heartbreak and devastation that I now know can follow a pregnancy.

But then there is that other part, the part that wants to be pregnant, to have something to hope for and look forward to, the part that believes deep down that maybe life won't suck forever. That there will be another baby, not one who will replace Sloane, but one who can fill the emptiness of our arms, even if they won't be able to entirely fill the emptiness in our hearts. That being pregnant would give me something else to look forward to, even if it was accompanied with fear and anxiety. It would be worth it, because there could be happiness that comes through that.

So even if I don't like to admit it to myself, and my rational side is what wins most days (which I'm grateful for so that I can function), the truth is that deep down, I want to be pregnant again. And I'm not.

Like so many other things anymore, it really is a lose-lose situation. If I tell myself it's ok to not be pregnant, then I am not letting hope into my heart and into my life.  If I let myself feel that it sucks to not be pregnant, I'll be a mess every month. For now, I can't let myself be a mess every month, which means I have to not plan on being pregnant. Hope at all is too hard.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Back to Work

I have been neglecting my blog lately, and you might say, my feelings, since going back to work after Thanksgiving.

Work is a welcome distraction from sitting at home, but it still a distraction from Sloane, and that part I do not like. It seems this has all caught up to me this week!

Work is stressful, between fitting everything into a day that I need to get done, writing quality reports that could hold up in court if need be, and pleasing parents who never seem to be happy, despite our best efforts to do the best thing for their child. My days are filled, but they are not filled with what I wanted them to be filled with.

Time is strange. We are at a point where life feels relatively normal. The holidays are over, and while I envisioned many things in our future with Sloane, the day-to-day tedium of normal life has taken us back again. In some ways, this is a blessing, as we need to make money and I don't think it's physically possible to live with the kind of grief we felt in the early weeks for a long time. But it also sucks because it just means it is farther and farther away from when we held her, when she was alive, and when she was here with us. It is getting harder and harder to remember the weight of her in my arms, and what her kicks and punches felt like in my belly.

On my way home tonight, I stopped at Chick-fil-a to get dinner. I realized I forgot my wallet after I ordered in the drive-thru, but I had my check book. They do not take checks. But the amazing manager said it was no problem, at which point I started bawling. Emotions are raw, eh??

Then I made it home to find a beautiful, lovely note from an old friend I haven't seen or heard from in years. While it added to my tears, these were a mix of sadness, in remembering our sweet Sloane's funeral through her words, and joy, in knowing Sloane's time here has touched someone else. I so appreciate knowing how she has affected people, because that is all we have left right now, is the hope that her influence will continue to reach out and make people love more, love deeper, and appreciate the time they have.

This may seem like a random jumble of thoughts, but it has been therapeutic and has marked this day for me, so I do not apologize :)