There are so many acronyms to figure out in the world of TTC (trying to conceive). That alone has been difficult-I wish there was a dictionary for this stuff.
We are coming up on 7 months since Sloane died, and I thought I would be 4 months pregnant by now. You see, I thought it would happen right away, just like it did last time. You would think I would have learned that nothing works the way you think it is going to, but apparently I didn't learn that lesson enough already, so I have some more figuring out to do...
Because I'm not pregnant.
I've been ok not being pregnant yet. I have become hyper-focused on trying to figure out my body and when am I ovulating and when could I get pregnant and is my period late, or is my cycle just longer this time? I've been "ok" in the sense that I am incredibly aware of what stage of my cycle I'm in and when I would be due if I were to get pregnant this time. That's normal, right? I've done ovulation predictor kits and multiple pregnancy tests and basal body temperatures. I feel like I've done it all in a few short months. This TTC journey is exhausting, and there are women who do it for years. I may be one of these women, we will find out. Each of these journeys is unique, and of course, my TTC journey has been coupled with grief and longing for Sloane.
What I have learned in these past 7 months about my body is that it is a mess. I really had high hopes for it, as I mentioned above, but I have come to doubt it and resent it and be angry at it, for many reasons, some obvious, some less so. One of these reasons is that I have had irregular and long cycles, which make TTC again so incredibly frustrating. After last month's 47 day doozie, I called the doc and we made a plan. 47 days. I realize that in the big scheme of things, 47 days may be the blink of an eye, but when you are hoping and waiting and wanting to get pregnant, 47 days is an eternity. Similarly, for some, 7 months TTC may not seem like long, especially after a loss like ours, but let me tell you what-it feels long.
So after speaking with my midwife, the plan is to take Clomid. While she is ever so diplomatic and unbiased enough to let me make my own decision, I could see her wariness about this plan as we spoke about it. Her wariness came because there is an 8% chance of having a multiple pregnancy. Multiple pregnancies come with their own set of risks. To some, they may see a multiple pregnancy as the chance to have more than one baby! To me, I see the chance to lose more than one baby.
In spite of this risk, I jumped on this plan. My heart cannot handle 47+ days with little knowledge of when I ovulate and what is going on. It is too long. So we made our plan and I immediately felt better knowing there was a plan. I'm a planner, and this felt good to me.
Today is day 1 of Clomid, and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. My heart can't handle 47+ days, but can my heart handle being pregnant? I have wanted this and planned for this, talked about this and wished for this, but if it really happens, can my heart handle this?
I have been caught in the midst of faith and fear for 7 months, trying so hard to choose faith and let that faith fill me and move me. I have struggled with what to put my faith in, though-do I have faith that I can conceive without any type of medical intervention? I used to be a believer in childbirth as a natural process, but look where that got me. Or do I put my faith in doing all I can and trusting God will take care of me? At the end of the day, this is the answer I have settled on. I cannot sit and wait, and I think God knows that and understands that. So I have taken action, making the best choice I can, and I will trust in Him that whatever happens will be for my good.