tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2971007472225215862024-03-14T13:56:15.016-04:00The Yellow SkirtThe story of my life, as given by me, on a computer, for all of us to enjoy.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.comBlogger84125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-41869061795552884492017-02-05T22:29:00.001-05:002017-02-05T22:29:47.638-05:00Baby L's Nursery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It only took 10 months for us to finish L's nursery...that's not bad for a second child, right?! Because we moved when L was 3 months old, we didn't do much to the nursery in DE. And then in MS, we learned it is really hard to finish a nursery when the baby is living in it already, because prime time to work on things is when the baby is sleeping. But it's hard to work in the room where the baby is sleeping! So the lesson learned-finish the baby's room before the baby comes.<br />
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His room wasn't terrible before this, but it also just didn't feel quite right. Nothing really went together and it felt a little chaotic. All it took was some matching sheets and changing pad cover, new bins, new art, and it feels much more intentional now! When I walk in, I feel happy, which is always the true test for me when I decorate a room. I'm sure he doesn't notice any difference, but maybe he will appreciate the pictures of it when he is older.<br />
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Of course he needs a basketball hoop ;)</div>
Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-86246831466508789282017-01-12T09:40:00.001-05:002017-01-12T09:40:30.707-05:00Sometimes motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be...When I woke up this morning, I tried to take a few minutes laying in bed to mentally prepare myself for the day. Josh was up with Lewis, so I was afforded the luxury of 30 extra minutes in bed by myself.<br />
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Today took some mental preparation, because this whole motherhood gig hasn't been easy lately, and I all but dreaded one more day of being home. Maybe the reality of living in Mississippi is finally sinking in, maybe it's Lewis being sick and being unable to leave the house much with him, maybe it's me finally starting to miss my career and the kiddos I used to help everyday. Most likely it's a combination of all of these things, hitting hard all at once. So I tried to pause this morning and prepare for what will likely be another long day following around a sick baby with a tissue, while balancing his own strong desire to move around in spite of his limited mobility.<br />
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This week has been tough and there have been moments where I've hid in the kitchen to be out of site of Lewis so he won't cry for me to help him walk around...where I've shed a few tears over my old job and old home and old friends and old favorite places...where I've fretted about the incoming president and wondered what I can do to help my country right now...and many moments where I've complained to my loving Josh and dear friend Amelia, both who understand all of this all too well. It has not been my prettiest week.<br />
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In spite of these terrible and hard moments though, there are moments to focus on. And that was a significant portion of my moment of reflection this morning, to try and focus on the moments that matter and hopefully the moments that I will remember. I have a picture of Sloane set as my background on my phone, and seeing her helps me remember to be grateful for every moment I have with Lewis, even the hard ones. And I am-- I am so grateful for Lewis, even in the midst of the snot and cough and tears and whining, I would choose that a million times over not having him with here. He does not make life easier, but he does make my life more full and more joyful and gives me a focus. And even in the midst of the terribleness of this week, there have been moments that I hope I remember- his cheesy grin when he's trying to get out of eating anything else, the 10 seconds of morning snuggles he gave me, his intense focus on trying to reach Franklin. He is a wonderful and miraculous little guy, and I hope to regain a more grateful perspective for his beautiful presence in my life.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-58414568136275813242016-09-01T17:35:00.000-04:002016-09-01T17:35:04.842-04:00"Cause if we're talkin bodies..."Opportunities to hold Lewis while he sleeps are few and far between these days as we work on getting him to sleep on his own in his crib. But on the rare occasions it still happens (like today), I soak it up. I know to many he is still a little baby, but to us he seems so much bigger every day! Because when he lays on my chest, I think of how not long ago, he was such a very teeny tiny baby who found such solace from hearing my heart beat. And how not long before that when I was still pregnant, I was all he knew.<br />
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As he laid on my chest and I reminisced about how far he has come and how far we have come together, I started to think about bodies. Josh and I have had plenty of conversations about how unfair various aspects of motherhood vs. fatherhood seem, many of which are because they take their toll on a woman's body physically. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding...each of these by themselves is not for the faint of heart. But pile them on top of each other one right after another and it has the potential to lead to some difficulties.<br />
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I've never really struggled with self-image or body image save a short stint freshman year in college when I thought I was fat thanks to a stupid personal trainer. I worked out a little too much, went on a cabbage soup diet, and then was thankfully saved at Thanksgiving when I remembered how much I love real food. But I've pretty much always worn the same size of clothes and could most of the time walk into a store and find something that I liked on me.<br />
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After having Sloane, there were physical aspects that were devastating that I've mentioned previously, but I had the luxury of being able to run as much as I wanted anytime I wanted. This was crucial to my healing and recovery, plus as I worked hard, I was able to get back to my pre-pregnancy size relatively quickly.<br />
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With Lewis, while I have this sweet babe to hold in my arms, I am more limited in how much I can exercise and when I can exercise. Added to that is the cumulative effect that pregnancy and childbirth seem to have on most women--the second time around your body changes even more and it seems a little more permanent.<br />
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So I've found myself on a bit of a journey with my body in the past few months. I will always carry with me the emotional and physical scars from the births of my two babies. But I don't mind the C-section scar, and I really don't even mind the stretch marks. The hardest part for me has been having that pile of clothes that I love in the back of my closet that juuuuuust don't quite fit. And walking into a store and not loving everything that I try on, but having to be more strategic about how to dress this strangely new curvier body I now have.<br />
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A lot of days, getting dressed, looking in the mirror, and not recognizing the image looking back at me can be frustrating. But then there are those now-rare moments when I get to hold that sweet baby boy while he's napping, and with his head over my heart, our bodies still seem to fit so comfortably together and I know I would do it all again. The heartbreak, the waiting, the tears, and now the bigger clothes and different body...I would do it all again to have this little boy asleep in my arms. I know I won't be able to hold him like this for long. As he learns to crawl and move more on his own that distance between us will grow more and more and our bodies will feel less comfortable together than on their own. So I will work on soaking up that feeling and remembering the great and wonderful things my body has done for me and my babies.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-63311929664372491672016-09-01T17:33:00.000-04:002016-09-01T17:33:07.068-04:00GriefThe funny thing about grief is that it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You'll be walking along in your life dealing with the day-to-day, then all of a sudden, BAM. It hits you like the trauma just happened yesterday, and it is there, and fresh and raw and you have to deal with it. And the difference is that hopefully by now, you've learned to deal with it better than you knew how to at first. Maybe not always, but maybe sometimes you're more equipped. You have more tools in your toolbox to get through this wave.<br />
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For me, one of my tools to deal with grief is writing. Writing in my blog, writing letters to Sloane, writing letters to Lewis. My emotions process more easily on paper than they do swirling around in my brain, so I get them down and write people are usually so nice about what I write. That's an added bonus when people actually get something out of what I write.<br />
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Today is September 1. Two years ago, this was going to be the month I would meet my baby girl! I was starting my new job as a first year school psychologist, and anxiously awaiting baby girl's arrival. I was due 9/22, but hopeful like most pregnant women to go a little early. So perhaps this is why the grief hits me today. September means the start of fall (in most places besides Mississippi...), and fall means the birth of my little girl. But history shows us that Sloane did not come in September, silly girl waited until October. It seems both of my children are stubborn and have minds of their own, waiting until they wanted to come. So maybe it is because her birthday is just a month and a day away, and I find myself thinking of what we will do this year to remember her and celebrate her birth while still honoring her death. It's hard to celebrate a birthday and a deathday all at once.<br />
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Regardless of what brought on the grief, I found myself writing today. Mind you, I am no poet, but sometimes words come out of my head and this time that took the form of a poem. Lewis and I had a rough morning and night, so these words poured out my mind effortlessly.<br />
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When my arms grow heavy from carrying you,<br />
I think how grateful I am to hold you.<br />
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When my eyes burn and tears fall from lack of sleep,<br />
I think how grateful I am you are here to keep me up.<br />
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When all I want is 5 minutes of peace or to take a shower,<br />
I think how grateful I am you demand my attention.<br />
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When my ears tire of your cries because you hate falling asleep alone,<br />
I think how grateful I am to have the chance to rock you.<br />
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Through the long days and sleepless nights,<br />
I think how grateful I am to hold your warm body and feel your breath on my cheek.<br />
Your very existence is a miracle, and that will never be lost on me.<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-48073728931593442812016-07-20T14:56:00.002-04:002016-07-20T14:56:27.172-04:00Parenting a Rainbow Baby<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I have been quiet on the blog lately bc our lives have been consumed with packing tape and moving boxes! While our house is far from done, it is livable and I have found myself needing a break this week from the craziness of moving. So back to the blog!</div>
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We have come a long way in the three months since Lewis was born. Newborn life was absolutely terrible and no amount of time or amnesia will ever let me forget how terrible it was. The combination of hormones, trouble breastfeeding, reflux or something like it was not pretty and was not handled well by me. But we survived and I now know that life with a baby indeed does get better! So if there will be other children in our future, it will not be because I have forgotten the horrors that are newborns, but it will be because I know that time is relatively short and there is hope and goodness to follow. (Like this adorable cheesy grin below!)</div>
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My thoughts lately have been on my short experience thus far parenting a "rainbow baby," or a baby born after loss. Pregnancy after loss had it's own ups and downs, as does parenting after loss. </div>
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I found myself in Lewis' room last night rocking him to sleep crying. Crying because of the weight of him in my arms, and the warmth of his little body, felt so sweet. Crying because I will always remember all too well the physical emptiness that my arms and my body felt after Sloane died. But I don't feel that physical emptiness anymore. While my heart will always feel as though it has a hole from her absence, it is more than wonderful to have the physical emptiness taken away by my sweet baby boy. </div>
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I know that having Sloane, and losing Sloane, has made me so much better of a mother than I ever would have been otherwise. It sucks that that is how it had to be, but I appreciate literally every second with Lewis. I don't think I am naturally cut out for this whole SAHM gig, and I already miss my school psychology, but I appreciate so much that I get to be home with Lew because I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed for my sweet babe. And if the day ever comes that he too, is taken, I want to know that I gave him too many kisses, too many hugs, too many snuggles, and that we read too many books, went for too many walks, and played too many silly games. I feel so much more motivation to be an amazing mother to him (or try...) because I don't have that opportunity to physically care for Sloane. So he gets all the love for both of them! </div>
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I am sure these feelings on parenthood in general and parenthood after loss specifically will change as the stages of my life and of Lew's life change. But for now, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for his presence and place in our family, and for the many lessons that Sloane continues to teach me. </div>
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Baby boy at baby girl's grave, May 2016</div>
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-42886402423518912092016-05-04T16:03:00.000-04:002016-05-04T16:03:23.769-04:0038 Weeks with Baby L!We tried to take regular photos during the pregnancy with Baby L to capture every moment we had with him. After losing Sloane, we didn't want to miss anything.<br />
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Physically, the pregnancy was great, although I seemed to experience a lot more of the stereotypical pregnancy symptoms than I did with Sloane. I had strange cravings (pickles and chocolate for dinner, anyone??), was forgetful, and more emotional. For most of the pregnancy however, I really enjoyed being pregnant. Like everyone, I got to the point where I was tired of wearing the same 4 outfits over and over, tired of sleeping on my side, and tired of feeling so large, but I really did try to appreciate being pregnant. The process of creating and carrying a new little person is incredible to me and I love seeing how my body changes to accommodate this new little person.<br />
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Emotionally, this pregnancy was tough, not surprisingly. It took me a long time to even accept that I was pregnant again and I felt pretty disconnected for awhile. Every ultrasound was scary until I could feel him move regularly. There were so so many times I convinced myself he was dead. I think this was a self-preservation coping mechanism, because if I convinced myself he was dead, and he really was, then it wouldn't be a surprise. But if I convinced myself he was dead, and he was alive, then I could just be relieved.<br />
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So here is my pregnancy journey with our little guy!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6aCUB9Ps7jSzzGfMHbmLu9f0WeRliVTaEF_0y2rYhLUhgF2IUcj5Kjqrpo9ireE-TCLWK3tgvunAsV59zNAlW5VVRORUiSW8eCDU3fvP_GAKLzPSHpZaTTk0KbmFeqHlXUimY3p9VET5c/s1600/Baby+boy+bump+photos.001.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6aCUB9Ps7jSzzGfMHbmLu9f0WeRliVTaEF_0y2rYhLUhgF2IUcj5Kjqrpo9ireE-TCLWK3tgvunAsV59zNAlW5VVRORUiSW8eCDU3fvP_GAKLzPSHpZaTTk0KbmFeqHlXUimY3p9VET5c/s320/Baby+boy+bump+photos.001.jpeg" width="228" /></a></div>
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-90509753917850634892016-05-04T15:42:00.001-04:002016-05-04T16:10:41.983-04:00One Month <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIqVa3aq3kpKwdimY7r7BELtbFKeOjGdWEsVPEK4ourSCig_yuCpVxW1vf7axcSnmo8-df8naKn_qLuztWKYSJeqKvf8RHGNTe_z1nqdb8lVGuqWjOEY7lHVa5ZaQJCq7pbWRikeYBZ2-2/s1600/IMG_8583.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIqVa3aq3kpKwdimY7r7BELtbFKeOjGdWEsVPEK4ourSCig_yuCpVxW1vf7axcSnmo8-df8naKn_qLuztWKYSJeqKvf8RHGNTe_z1nqdb8lVGuqWjOEY7lHVa5ZaQJCq7pbWRikeYBZ2-2/s320/IMG_8583.JPG" width="320" /></a>Baby L is one month old! Our monthly picture set up needs some work, but maybe by month 12 we will have it perfected.<br />
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By now life has somewhat normalized. Breastfeeding still isn't my favorite thing in the world, but it's manageable. We met with the lactation consultant again and she said that we are pretty much at the best it is going to be for the time being. Which was what I needed to hear to help me accept where we are at with it. I'm happy to be done with the nipple shields and optimistic that at some point in the future, maybe I'll start to enjoy it more. We have made tremendous progress since where we started, evidenced by the fact that I don't dread and cry through every feeding anymore. Now I just need to work on relaxing my back, neck, and wrists...</div>
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L has some pretty terrible gas at times and we think he likely has reflux. This means a lot of the time, he screams when he's hungry, then he eats and it's peaceful, then he screams when he's done, then he sleeps and it's peaceful. So we try and soak up the peaceful moments as much as we can to get us through the screaming. He really is so sweet and adorable and it's painful to watch him be in pain like that, so we keep trying new ways to help him get through it. I am happy to be able to enjoy his cuteness more now that he is not the source of so much pain breastfeeding. </div>
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My hormones have also mostly stabilized, so I spend far less time crying than I did two weeks ago. It was so rough for a bit there, I honestly did not know how I would survive. But the funny thing is that we don't often have too much of a choice when it comes to survival. It may not be pretty (and I assure you, it wasn't!), but if we just keep going, at some point it does get better. With newborns, as with so many other things in life ;)</div>
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Things to remember about L at one month: </div>
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<li>Weighs over 9 lbs. Way to go baby! This means he has outgrown some of his newborn clothes and is starting to fit into some of his 0-3 month clothes (pictured above). </li>
<li>He loves tummy time and is starting to stay awake for longer periods of time after he eats. </li>
<li>He started using a pacifier this week and it seems it may become his new best friend. </li>
<li>On a good night, he sleeps for 3 hours at a time. On a bad night, he sleeps for 1.5 hours at a time and we all cry. </li>
<li>He loves staring out windows and being outside.</li>
<li>He grabs onto your clothes when you hold him. </li>
<li>He likes to take naps resting his head on his hands. </li>
<li>He continues to make the funniest face while stretching after he eats (pictured below from when he was about 2 weeks old).</li>
<li>He fits in and likes to be carried in the Baby Bjorn. We've tried a wrap a couple of times, but I'm not skilled enough yet to feel comfortable with it. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Here's to one month of survival and one month of breastfeeding! </div>
Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-74922862012608590662016-05-04T15:19:00.003-04:002016-05-04T15:19:38.630-04:00Ragnar Richmond! After doing the Ragnar DC in October for Sloane, one of the team members signed up to do the Ragnar Trail Relay in Richmond. The date was to be April 28-29. We hoped we would have a baby by then, but wanted to be able to participate anyway. We figured Josh would be able to run it, and hopefully I would be able to go along for fun.<br />
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In the midst of barely surviving the first two weeks of newborn life, there were many times I thought this sounded crazy. But the idea of staying home alone for a weekend without Josh also sounded crazy, so I booked a hotel and determined to make it work. Luckily one of my friends decided she was up for the adventure with us, so she drove down and stayed the night with me in case of any catastrophe that I needed back up for.<br />
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We left Friday morning, and made it down to Richmond in 5 hours with only one stop for lunch/diaper change/feeding/bathroom break. Everything went great!<br />
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We checked in to the hotel and took Josh to his campsite for the night at the race. We hung out at the site to see Josh's first leg start and finish. Lewis did great!<br />
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I was most nervous for night because typically I have Josh to help with diaper changes and my middle-of-the-night craziness. But Lewis did so well! The night went smoothly and we made it back to the race the next morning to see Josh's last leg finish. </div>
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By Saturday night, even though Lewis had done well, I was just exhausted from being outside all day and trying to figure out diapers and feeding in a tent. Josh was exhausted from staying up all night running. It was a rough night, but we survived our first family trip together :) The last leg of the trip came on the way home on Sunday. While it took us 5 hours to drive to Richmond, it took 9 hours to drive home. There was a 20-car pile up on I-95 which left us completely stopped for 2.5 hours+the slowdown surrounding the stop. Lewis still did really well, and only screamed when he was hungry or dirty. His routine got a little out of whack from the trip, but we are working on getting back to 3 hour stretches of sleep. </div>
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While it may have been a little crazy to take a 4 week old on a 2 night overnight trip, it's important to us make sure the little man becomes incorporated into the things we like to do and gets out to have different experiences. Hopefully he will learn to be versatile and flexible and we will continue to learn to be patient. It was also important because I was pregnant with L at the last Ragnar we did, so it seemed fitting for him to be at this one! </div>
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-26909032191956456842016-04-22T18:39:00.000-04:002016-04-22T18:39:02.158-04:00#NewbornLifeNewborn life is so crazy hard! I think Josh and I had no idea what we were in for. With losing Sloane, it was easy to idealize what we were missing out on and not think about the difficulties of what we were missing. I knew our lives would be different having another baby, because they were forever changed after we had Sloane; I just had no idea how different they would be. The past three weeks have definitely thrown us for a loop and I can only hope at this point that someday we will find another new normal.<br />
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The two biggest challenges have been breastfeeding and sleeping (or not sleeping). First, breastfeeding. After having gut wrenching pain, bleeding, and painful engorgement the first few days home, we called a lactation consultant to come help. At the hospital, we had one lactation consultant say Baby L had a minor lip and tongue tie, another one say he did not have either, and his pediatrician said he did not have either. The one we hired to come to our house said he definitely did, and showed us what it looked like. She recommended having it lasered off, which we did the next day. Baby L did fine-he cried, but was pretty easily soothed afterwards. I on the other hand, was a mess and it took me like an hour crying in the upstairs waiting room until I could get it together to leave. I felt so terrible putting my little man through this when he was only a week old! Josh had to do massages on the wounds for the following week to make sure scar tissue didn't build up, but it looks great now and Baby L can move his tongue all over!<br />
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The lactation consultant also gifted me with a nipple shield to use to protect myself from the crazy pain in the mean time while we worked on L's sucking. What a world of difference that thing made! It was a life saver. I am forever grateful to it because it likely has saved our BF relationship. I also dealt with the engorgement by pumping myself empty, using cabbage leaves, ice, and ibuprofen. Hallelujah. </div>
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So we had taken pretty major steps towards working on BF, but it has been such a process. I expected overnight results with each intervention we have tried, and that is just not how BF works, at least for us. There have been many tears shed (by mama and baby) and frustrations vented (by mama) in the past three weeks. While I love the shield, it is a hassle. You have to wash it every time you use it, sterilize it every day, and if you go anywhere, it's just not all that convenient. It never felt like a long term solution to me, and it's not meant to be. I tried repeatedly to get L to feed without it though, with little success. At first, it still pinched. Then, he wouldn't even latch at all without it, which may have been the most frustrating because there was just milk dripping everywhere, he was screaming because he wasn't getting it, and I was crying because I couldn't understand the disconnect between me and him. I just kept trying however, because what else was there to do?? </div>
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Two days ago, I noticed that on one side after using the shield, my nipple had four little dots on it in the same shape as the shield. It turns out little man has become such a proficient sucker that he was sucking me right through the shield. That's a good sign it's time to stop using the shield! So we have been without it for the past 24 hours! While I have required positive affirmations and neck rubs from Josh while feeding L, I have not cried (about BF)! This is progress, people. So we are feeling hopeful about this currently. </div>
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The other crazy hard part is the sleeplessness. The recommendations these days are for babies to sleep on their own, on a flat surface, on their back. If you can find me one newborn who this works for, I will call that child a miracle. Newborns are used to being snug inside their mommas, not isolated in a cold little bed! So we have struggled with guilt when he does not sleep like this, and fatigue to the point of being crazy (legit crying/screaming/yelling CRAZY) when he does. The problem is he will only sleep in his bassinet for about 1.5 hours. This means you get between 30 minutes-1 hour of sleep at a time. Which is madness and not sustainable. So we have no solution to this problem yet, but we try something different every day. Mostly, we're just holding out until 6 weeks because that's when people and the internet say it will get better?! Let's hope we haven't gone mad by then. </div>
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Other hard things about newborns, or at least this newborn: they cry all the time! Not like a cute little whimper, but an all out "my life is terrible, do something NOW" scream. This is our routine: baby sleeps, wakes up screaming, baby gets changed, baby gets fed, baby may fight getting fed if he is too hungry OR feeding may go well, baby screams during getting burped, baby falls asleep getting fed again OR he has a blissful 20 minutes of peaceful and happy awake time in which you think "aw, newborn life is beautiful! Hurry, take a picture so this is what we remember!" Then he screams because he is tired. The bottom line is there is a lot of screaming. </div>
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It is also so hard because there a million chances to doubt what you are doing. Should I burp him longer? Should I eat that broccoli or is that why he was gassy? Did we swaddle him too tight? Did we swaddle him too loose? Should we swaddle him at all? Should I wake him to eat? Should we try and set a schedule or let him sleep and enjoy the peace? If we wake him will he sleep longer tonight? Should we give him a pacifier? What about a bottle? What if that ruins breastfeeding before we even figure BF out? ............You get the idea. I don't think I ever realized that he would totally, 100% be reliant on me for everything. Every second of his life right now is dependent on what I do (or Josh). That is a huge responsibility and so incredibly terrifying and daunting. </div>
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So this whole baby thing is crazy hard. Don't get me wrong, there have been moments of peace, joy, love, and happiness. They have just been few and far between in these initial weeks, although I think they are becoming more regular as we all adjust to each other a little more. Some of the highlights of having baby L home with us: </div>
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<li>seeing Josh as a dad. I did so well when I married this man. He is the patience and voice of reason at 3am when I am crying hysterically. He is already the fun one who does tummy time, songs, and otherwise engages our child when I am laying on the couch exhausted. He is the one who helps us get out of the house successfully. And he has changed 95% of the diapers so far. Baby L is one lucky little man to have such a great papa. </li>
<li>seeing Baby L's newborn smiles while he is sleeping. We like to think he is playing with Sloane when this happens :)</li>
<li>Looking down at Baby L at 1am after he has fallen asleep after eating and seeing the resemblances between him and his big sister. I love knowing they are siblings and they know each other. </li>
<li>hearing L's coos when he eats</li>
<li>seeing L's big blue eyes when he is looking around this new world and us as his parents</li>
<li>seeing his big belly after he eats and feeling pride knowing that he is growing because of me and the pain and sacrifice I am putting into BF</li>
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Life is all about the extremes right now: when it sucks, it REALLY sucks, but when it's good, it's REALLY good. </div>
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I have been so lucky to have so many amazing, incredible female friends who are a step or two ahead of me in this journey of motherhood. Friends who can say, "yes, the first few weeks are terrible, but you will make it!" Friends who I can text endlessly about my nipples and they aren't weirded out, but instead offer encouragement and suggestions. Friends who check in regularly because they know my sanity is at stake if they don't. Friends who validate every crazy, hormonal, emotional feeling you have because they have felt it, too. There are friends who are a little further down the journey of motherhood and who can look back at the newborn stage with fondness- maybe one day I will get to that point, too. Friends who bring meals and ice cream and sushi and subs. Friends who mow your lawn. And friends who reassure you, over and over and over and over and over and over again, that you are doing the right thing and you are doing your best. If he uses a nipple shield, if he gets formula, if you have to pump every feeding, if he sleeps in your bed, if he sleeps in his bassinet, if he sleeps in his swing, YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST. I should get that tattooed on my arm, but instead I will rely on my friends (husband included!) to help me through. </div>
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-60785550234552867212016-04-22T17:50:00.000-04:002016-04-22T17:50:06.092-04:00Birth Story Baby LeMonte #2He is here! Our sweet baby boy's much anticipated arrival has come and he is now sleeping peacefully (for the time being) next to me. It is surreal that he is here and he is ok. Before too much time goes by, however, I want to record his birth story.<br />
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Baby boy had been head down in all of our weekly appointments until March 18 at 36 weeks. We had our appointment with my midwife and we made a plan to be induced at 37 weeks 3 days and I was for once starting to feel optimistic and hopeful that he would make it safely to us. Immediately after this appointment, we had our biophysical profile, where the ultrasound tech informed us that he was transverse with his head by my upper right ribs. We went back to my midwife to relay the information. This would obviously change the plan to be induced. If he continued to be transverse, we could schedule a version to manually flip him head down, followed by immediate induction. Or, we could opt for a C-section, but this would have to wait until 39 weeks. Neither option was ideal, so we left feeling discouraged. On top of the disappointment in change of birth plans was the added worry that he was flipping around, which made me think he could be getting tangled up in his umbilical cord.<br />
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We made it another week in anxious anticipation until our next appointment with my midwife. We looked at the ultrasound and he was head down again! We thanked God for answered prayers and continued forward with the plan to be induced just a few days following the appointment. At the biophysical profile the next morning, he continued to be head down. Emotions continued to be raw however, evidenced by my meltdown when the ultrasound tech wouldn't check to make sure his cord wasn't tangled. I went to the car and broke down in tears, while Josh went back in and got mad at her for being a jerk. But, we were happy and had to focus on the facts that he was healthy and we would hopefully get to meet him in a few days.<br />
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After knowing that the plan for induction was in place for just a few days' time, we spent the weekend hurriedly doing many of the things we had put off for so long. Deep cleaning, putting the stroller together, putting the mamaroo together, putting the car seat in the car, buying diapers and wipes, etc. It was exhausting and exciting and terrifying!<br />
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Tuesday, induction day, came and it was weird. We packed our bags and it felt like we were going to check into a hotel. I did surprisingly well with my anxiety level, I think because it was a very different situation than with Sloane. I wasn't in labor, it was at night, and we didn't have to go to triage. We went up to labor and delivery and were promptly greeted by our favorite nurse who helped deliver Sloane. After about 1.5 hours, the doctor came to check baby boy's position before giving me a foley bulb catheter to dilate me. This is where the journey began: he was no longer head down!!! So rather than starting the induction, we got to stay an extra night in the hospital and wait until my doctor came in the morning to make a new plan.<br />
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In the morning, the doctor from my practice came to check on him. He had moved again from the night before, but still wasn't head down. She put two fingers on my belly and gave a gentle but firm nudge and he was head down! It was crazy. To help keep him in place, they put a belly binder on me. Then we started the foley bulb. This was all incredibly uncomfortable. The nurses told us the foley bulb typically takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 4-5 hours to dilate you to 3 cm. It took 8 hours for me. It was a long day of waiting and we knew this was only the first step. I finally got to 3 cm around 5pm and they started giving me pitocin right away. They increased the pitocin every half hour until I was up to the highest amount that night. They kept it going all night, and when they checked me in the morning, I was still 3 cm.<br />
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So now it was Thursday morning. I had thought maybe we would have a baby by now, but we still had so far to go! They broke my water hoping that this would be the jump start my body would need. Everyone kept saying, "your body will remember what to do" and reassuring me that the next procedure would be the reminder my body needed to start labor. But breaking my water didn't do anything. Everyone commented on the large amount of amniotic fluid I had, which likely contributed to how easily he moved around. An hour after they broke my water, they re-started the pitocin. By the end of Thursday, I was again getting the highest level of pitocin, my water had been broken, and I was still only at 3 cm. It had been another long day of waiting without much action. I had some contractions, but they were irregular and not very strong. They decided to take me off the pitocin until midnight to try and "clear the receptors." I had a minor panic about this because it felt like so long to stop and re-start the pitocin and it felt like nothing was ever going to happen at this rate. But this allowed me to eat dinner which was desperately needed.<br />
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At midnight on Thursday night/Friday morning, they started the pitocin again. Around 2am, I started having contractions, this time stronger and more regular. This really felt like it could be it! We called my doula and she got in around 5am. I labored from about 3am-8am, when they checked me again, and I was still only at 3 cm! We remained hopeful that the contractions would start to do their job however, and kept going. Until the contractions started getting weaker and less frequent...at which point I asked when we would need to consider a C-section. All of the doctors and midwives from my practice were utterly perplexed at my situation. I had come in being a great candidate for the induction having previously had a successful vaginal delivery, and no one could explain why nothing was helping my body progress.<br />
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While C-section was obviously not my first choice, nothing was happening otherwise. Josh and I started to worry about my water being broken and baby getting infections. It was pretty much a unanimous decision between us, my doula, and the medical team that a C-section was the best route at this point. Within about an hour of making this decision, I was in the OR! I got really emotional before going in, not because I had to have a C-section, but because the end of my PAL was about to be over and the beginning of a whole new journey was about to begin. Even though everything had always come back normal and healthy for baby, I still felt like when he came out, we would find something was wrong with him. So while I was excited to be able to meet him soon, I was so worried that we would meet him and my fears would come to pass.<br />
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The C-section was weird. It was all pretty much fine, it's just a strange experience to be able to feel something happening to you, but not feel what it is. It felt like an eternity before I heard baby cry, but when I did, it was the best sound in the world! Josh helped clean him and cut the cord and I just looked at them and cried. He was ok! He didn't have to be whisked away from us! They brought him over to my face and then before we left, he laid on my chest while we went to the recovery. I immediately thought that Lewis was the right name for him, which was a relief because we didn't really have any back-ups.<br />
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In recovery, he started trying to nurse right away. This was another relief because I was also hugely worried that being a few weeks early, he might not get this. It was stressful because everyone kept trying to tell me how to feed him, and I was so out of it and he was so tiny, but I was so happy. Two doctors from the NICU came and told us that he was breathing too fast and they wanted to take him to the NICU observation area to monitor him for a few hours. This was not ideal, but I was happy they were keeping a close on him to make sure he was ok, because I was so worried something was wrong. Josh went with Lewis to the NICU observation and then returned to me to go to our room in the general maternity area.<br />
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Lewis ended up being admitted to the NICU because he was still breathing fast after his few hours of observation. They did a chest X-ray and blood tests, which showed fluid in his lungs and low levels of white blood cells. Both of these could either be normal results of a C-section, or they could mean he had an infection. Still, I was relieved he was being monitored and felt ok with all of this. He stayed in the NICU Friday night, Saturday, and Saturday night. He showed progress Saturday and came off the IV, so I was able to nurse him. This was exhausting, because Josh had to wheel me down to the floor below whenever they called, but it was also amazing because I felt like my baby needed me and I was helping him and I loved being able to see him and hold him. They did an updated X-ray, which showed clear lungs, and the blood work showed higher levels of white blood cells. All of this meant he was released to our room Sunday morning!<br />
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Josh's parents and my mom came to visit him in the hospital on Sunday. On Saturday, our friends Heather and Jessica came to visit, although they couldn't see him because he was in the NICU still.<br />
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It was pretty exhausting in the hospital because I couldn't move a lot, but again, we were so happy.<br />
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We got released to come home Monday. I was relieved that despite his NICU stay, he got to come with us because I didn't think I could leave the hospital again without my baby. But he got to come with us and it was awesome.<br />
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I'll do another post on the first few weeksof life, because that has been another journey. But we are so happy he is here and he is healthy! Although we tried our best to avoid having him born on April Fools' day, he already showed we are the fools by thinking we could plan that. It was a long and hard journey, but it was all worth it :)Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-74914565965546431552016-02-04T17:31:00.000-05:002016-02-04T17:31:02.763-05:00The Importance of Self-CareBeing a psychology major and now a school psychologist, I am naturally drawn to ideas of mental and emotional health. Deep breathing, imagery, muscle relaxation...these are all things that I am familiar with and may recommend to students. But it is something entirely different to help take care of other people emotionally and to take care of yourself emotionally.<br />
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This lesson hit hard this morning, when I find myself at work, bawling.<br />
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There have been some hard things lately. I have spent a month trying to get the right prescription for my contacts, and not being able to see clearly in the process. This affects my eyes. I woke up with an insane ear ache last weekend, and have since tried several remedies--earache drops, warm compresses, cool compresses, ear wax drops, flushing my ear with water, Tylenol. While I did get a nice chunk of ear wax out, I still haven't been able to hear in my right ear since the weekend. Clearly, this affects my ears. Then this morning, I woke up with a cold, thus affecting my nose and ability to breathe and smell. When three of your five senses are compromised, it really affects your ability to function as a human. On top of these somewhat common physical ailments that have beset me, I am 7.5 months pregnant. Most of me loves being pregnant, especially at this stage-there is nothing better than feeling your baby kick and squirm inside of you. But to be honest, pregnancy comes with it's own set of struggles, even when you enjoy it. You don't fit into most clothes and feeling beautiful can be challenging. You don't move as easily as you want or are used to. And you just don't have the energy you would like to, because you are growing a tiny human!! Then there is also the emotional aspect of this pregnancy. I have understandably been more anxious with this pregnancy. Each day we get closer to meeting him, but also closer to potentially losing him. That thought is never far from my mind and my heart, and it is <i>exhausting</i>. I also like to think that the hormones have been a touch on the extreme side this time around, but it also may just all be grief.<br />
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You are getting the picture- Physically and emotionally, I was exhausted, and unfortunately, this all came out this morning when I got to work :) Luckily, I work with incredibly empathetic and kind people who convinced me I needed to go home (it might've just been that they were embarrassed for my red, splotchy, post-crying face, but we'll assume it was empathy).<br />
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Before I left, one of my coworkers reminded me that I need to remember to breathe, and be mindful of the things I am feeling. This really hit me as truth, because I know I have not been as mindful as I should have been. I have let myself feel overwhelmed with life and dealt with it by going through the motions-wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV, maybe exercise if I'm feeling ambitious, go to sleep, repeat. That is not the recipe for happiness.<br />
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My extreme reaction to waking up with cold symptoms is a manifestation that I have not been dealing with my emotions healthily lately. So after I went to the doctor and got recommendations for my ear, I came home, took a hot shower, did yoga, drank tea, went for a walk, and took a nap. Most of these things I can do every day (except the nap...), but it is usually easier to lay on the couch and numb your mind than do something proactive that awakens your mind! The downside is when you pay for it with large, embarrassing emotional breakdowns in front of your coworkers :)<br />
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The lesson learned is that while being an adult is crazy challenging, I can help myself by being more proactive in my self-care measures. I <i>know</i> doing yoga and going for walks and writing and taking a break from media helps me feel peace. Now I just need to follow through with these things!<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-28169089114308914892016-01-25T16:35:00.005-05:002016-01-25T16:35:41.653-05:00Baby L #2: 28 WeeksThe 3rd trimester has hit hard! In the past week, the heartburn has started, I don't fit into <i>any</i> normal clothes anymore, and the fatigue has kicked in! Let the countdown begin :)<br />
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People often ask a pregnant woman how she is feeling. This is considerate, although awkward. I have decided to be truthful most of the time and answer this question honestly. There are two aspects to take into account when answering this question: how am I doing physically, and how am I doing emotionally. Lucky for most people who ask me this question, I don't go into quite this level of detail with them.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">28 weeks!</td></tr>
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<b>Physically:</b> Like any typical second pregnancy, I feel quite large quite sooner than before. Most days, when I get home from work, I want nothing more than to lay on the couch and watch TV. Cooking doesn't really happen much anymore unless Josh cooks-but let's be honest, that's always been the case! It takes a lot for me to do anything during the week other than get dressed and go to work. I do tend to be more productive at home on the weekends...mixed in with lots of time relaxing. I'm just so big and awkward! But I know I will get so much bigger, so I try and keep that in mind. Baby's movements have also started to get big and very noticeable in the past week or two. It's very exciting and is also why I just want to lay on the couch, so I can watch and feel him dance!<br />
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<b>Emotionally</b>: This pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster. It started out tough because it took a long time for me to accept that I was pregnant. Then it was difficult because I couldn't feel the baby move and would often convince myself it was dead. Then I started to feel him move, but it wasn't consistent, so anytime I didn't feel him, I would convince myself he was dead. Now that he is moving a lot more regularly and with bigger movements, I don't worry as much that he is dead, but the current struggle has been preparing for him to come. I have the urge and desire to prepare his room, buy him clothes, buy diapers, etc., but it is just so hard to actually do it. I haven't successfully done any of those things without large and ugly breakdowns first, and even then it has taken quite some time to take any steps towards preparation.<br />
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I started working on the nursery over winter break, because I had a few days of extra time. I mostly just sat in there and cried for a long time, followed by moving the furniture around a little. I cried over my little girl who never got to use it, and cried over the uncertainty of the future. I cried over the time I spent preparing it for Sloane, and the time I was about to spend preparing it for a little boy who may never use it. I usually love designing rooms, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head around anything for this room. Part of it is because I want something new and different, but at the same time I don't want to spend money on anything new or different when what we have is perfectly fine.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To do: navy curtains, wicker baskets on shelf, hang art and leaves</td></tr>
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After rearranging the room, I went through Sloane's clothes and other belongings. At first, I was surprised at how much we had that would work for a boy. But I went through it again this past weekend and was amazed and how much we don't have! I made a cart of baby clothes, and this time actually bought them! This was a big move. I still have a cart on Amazon that I can't bring myself to buy, but if/when we get closer, the 'zon will get it here in two days.<br />
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This Friday, we have our first weekly biophysical profile. They will check baby's movements, breathing, muscle tone, heart rate, and amniotic fluid. The perinatologist said that after a regular/normal BPP, the chance of stillbirth goes down to 1/1000 for the following week. Then I have my normal check-ups with my midwife every 2 weeks until 35ish weeks. Then I will get induced at 37-38 weeks! Which is only 9 weeks away. Which is really really very close.<br />
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I remember feeling similarly as I do now when I was pregnant with Sloane-like I am on the brink of a major change in my life, but it is so major that I have no idea what it will be like. I am stuck in between my regular life and my new life, but don't really feel like I am part of either one. The difference with this pregnancy is that I don't assume my new life will be with a baby. I know that it might be, or it might be mourning the loss of him. I just cannot wrap my head around bringing him home.<br />
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As we have gotten closer to labor and delivery, I have also started to have more flashbacks to L&D with Sloane, which is really tough. I need to remember that it should be a very different experience since I won't be laboring at home at all and will get induced.<br />
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This whole pregnancy after loss thing has surely not been easy. But we have made it to 28 weeks! That alone is plenty to be grateful for and farther than many women ever make it. I don't take that for granted, and in the midst of the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty, I am trying to appreciate every kick and every stage of this baby boy's life so far. Here's to hoping for another healthy 9 weeks!Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-85989659397148853202015-12-06T10:20:00.001-05:002015-12-06T10:20:59.634-05:00It's a....BOY!<br />
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We went in for the 20 week anatomy scan on Wednesday. It was pretty clear pretty quickly that it's a baby boy growing in there! We got to watch him wiggle and squirm for awhile while the tech took all his measurements. We even got to see him with the 3D ultrasound to get a pic of his little face and hands! Then the doctor came in and said, "Everything looks great....That's pretty much all there is to say." Which was all I wanted to hear. So far, so good! We talked about the plan for the future, which will include another check up at Maternal Fetal Medicine at 24 weeks, and then weekly biophysical profiles starting at 28 weeks. He said the chance of stillbirth after a normal BPP is 1/1000. While we already know the odds have not played in our favor historically, this will provide reassurance from week to week. I'll most likely be induced between 38-39 weeks if everything goes well until then.<br />
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This is great news, and we have been happy all week because of it. I feel baby boy move pretty regularly (several times a day), which also provides reassurance. There is some level of frustration, however, which is that if we had been monitored this closely with Sloane, the chances are that she would be here. If we had a BPP at our last appointment with her (4 days before I went into labor), the chances seem to be that they would have caught it. Maybe not-but she would have had a better chance. Which then leads me to think, why aren't ALL pregnancies treated as high risk? Obviously some women would not want that, and that's fine, but some would. And let's be honest- pregnancy and prenatal development are a high risk situation, just by nature of what they are. There's a lot going on in not a lot of time and a billion things that can go wrong. Does it really have to take a baby dying to get monitoring to make sure that the next baby doesn't die? Obviously, I'm not the kind of friend you want to have when you're pregnant, because I can be a tad fatalistic and doomsday. But, we will try and keep focusing on the here and now, which is that as of right now, baby is healthy, strong, and alive.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-18175672850356677162015-12-01T19:43:00.000-05:002015-12-01T19:43:12.920-05:00Baby L #2: 20 weeksWe find out the sex of baby L #2 tomorrow!<br />
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So many people have been so excited for this appointment tomorrow. Excited to the point that they remember when the appointment is weeks or days after I tell them. Maybe these are all just exceptionally thoughtful people, but I do not remember when my own appointments if they aren't in my calendar, let alone someone else's appointments. People are good.<br />
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Having other people be excited about finding out the sex, and being excited in general for this baby, is slowly starting to creep into my own emotions. It has been really hard for me to start to accept that this pregnancy may have a different outcome than my pregnancy with Sloane, and I definitely have not totally accepted that yet. But the more people that are purely excited, the more I start to think that there must be something to their excitement. If <i>so many</i> people can think that I will walk away from this with a healthy baby, then maybe, <i>just maybe</i>, I actually will. If so many people can assume that pregnancy leads to a living baby, then maybe it will for me, just once. While I know better than most that a healthy pregnancy does not always lead to a healthy baby, maybe I can be one of the majority this time around.<br />
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I'm not sold yet, but I'm entertaining the thought.<br />
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I can't say I am necessarily excited to find out the sex tomorrow. I honestly do not care if it is a boy or girl-either outcome would be accompanied by its own set of feelings. But I am excited to see this babe wiggle and squirm again, and find out if everything is developing ok. That's what gets me excited these days, being reassured that everything looks healthy and normal. And finding out how much monitoring I will have as the pregnancy progresses. No doctor can tell me either of those things enough. So hopefully tomorrow will be a good day!<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-26531145561732881792015-12-01T19:42:00.001-05:002015-12-01T19:42:26.223-05:00Baby L #2: 14 Weeks <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Written October 16, 2015 and saved until now...</div>
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August 15, 2015. </div>
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I think this picture does a pretty good job of capturing the moment. At a hotel in Franklin, TN, I took a pregnancy test. Not the first, but hopefully the last for some time. As I sat waiting for the result, my mind raced with a million thoughts. If it was negative again, I would be so disappointed. But if it was positive, would I really be able to cope with the anxiety that would follow? Was I ready to start this journey again? When I saw that positive result, I felt immediate relief, followed by panic. What a relief to be done with the TTC journey, and what panic to be starting the PAL journey. I showed the test to Josh, who responded with pure excitement, and then I started crying. It was a beautiful, exciting, and nerve-wracking moment.<br />
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Since then, I have had 3 doctor's appointments with my midwife which have included 2 ultrasounds, and then 1 ultrasound for the 1st trimester screen. Everything has looked great. At each appointment, hearing the heartbeat has provided immediate, albeit short-lived, relief. Within a few days, I go back to wondering and assuming if this baby has died without me knowing it. I tend to err on the assumption that this is the case, because there is not much anyone could do at this point in the pregnancy even if something went wrong. That may seem fatalistic, but it definitely seems easier to assume the worst and then be pleasantly surprised than to assume everything is fine and have your world crash down. I've done the second path, so I figure I will try the first path this time.<br />
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Most of the time, it is easy to forget that I am pregnant. I am just starting to show, I feel fine, it is too early to feel the baby move, and not many people know. This is my typical means of coping, to forget momentarily. Because of this, the struggle has been how to bond and make memories with this pregnancy while still protecting my heart that the worst may happen. I don't think there is an answer to this question. I think it will be a daily struggle until this baby comes out.<br />
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There are glimpses of hope though. A friend gave us a present for this baby this week, and my Human Resources person talked about next summer when I will be home with my baby. I let myself look at baby clothes online once, and even ordered some maternity clothes. It seems foreign and strange when other people talk so surely of my future with this child-we still have a long 25 weeks to go and a lot can go wrong in that time. But it is also a nice reminder that maybe things will work out. Things have to work out how you want them to at some point, right?<br />
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Telling people I am pregnant has gotten easier. At first, it felt strange to hear their excitement. For while I feel excited, it is definitely not the only emotion I feel. It is getting easier to hear excitement though. I am remembering that this is how most people react to the news of a pregnancy, not with fear and trepidation.<br />
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We are doing ok. We will keep hanging on from one appointment to the next.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-8503765087091835902015-10-24T15:07:00.001-04:002015-10-24T15:07:36.839-04:00#NILMDTS Virtual 5kThe organization that took pictures of Sloane when she was born is called <a href="https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/" target="_blank">Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep</a>. It is a group founded in Colorado (because all good things originate in Colorado) to help families who have lost a baby, specifically through providing pictures of the baby at no charge. Photographers volunteer for the organization and are called when a baby dies to see if they are available. Luckily, a saint of a photographer was available the morning after Sloane was born and captured some truly beautiful photos of her and of us. Many I have shared previously, but more are shown below.<br />
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We were able to have all of the photos edited on a disc and mailed to us within a few weeks of losing Sloane. We had some printed, which are now displayed in our home. We made photo books, which have provided peace and comfort over the year. I even had a friend give me a locket with 2 of these photos inside. Most importantly, they allow those precious moments that we had with Sloane to be remembered more easily than if we relied solely on our memories. They also allow us to share her with others more easily. </div>
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Every year, NILMDTS does a remembrance walk. While I would love to be in Colorado for the walk, this year they did a "virtual 5k," meaning anyone could participate wherever they live. We met up with a few incredibly supportive friends this morning and enjoyed each other's company in the beautiful fall weather. Afterwards, there was a program broadcast online from Colorado. </div>
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It was a beautiful way to remember and honor Sloane while supporting an organization that is near to our hearts and will provide comfort to other families who experience similar situations to ours. We can't get through anything alone, and having a community of friends locally and a community of others with similar experiences long distance has helped us along our journey. </div>
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-50945232395496411272015-10-04T20:23:00.000-04:002015-10-04T21:06:12.446-04:00Happy Birthday, Baby Girl-- Ragnar Race RecapThis weekend has been a whirlwind. I am currently laying on the couch with aching legs and a full heart, longing to relive this whirlwind weekend. Which I will do through a post :)<br />
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Josh and I decided to do the Washington DC Ragnar Relay in early May. We saw it was on Sloane's birthday, and ever since she died, we had wanted to do something with the term "Strides for Sloane." After 8 months, we found the perfect opportunity to honor her, remember her, and celebrate her. Ragnar Relays are 12 person, 200 mile overnight relays. So we found 10 other crazy people that captured many different areas of our lives, and we had our Ragnar team. The team included people we know from church, mountain biking, Mississippi, grad school, and high school.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The girls on the team</td></tr>
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Josh and I trained all summer in the Mississippi heat with 2-a-days, humidity, and hills. But we knew it was for Sloane, so it wasn't that bad. Planning for the event and training for it gave me something positive to look forward in connection with her birthday--a day that could have been terrible, ridden with anxiety and reliving nightmares.<br />
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As the event got closer, my mind was consumed with preparation and last minute details. Despite a few emergencies and changes, it seemed like everything was coming together-except the weather. Reports of Hurricane Joaquin had been coming in all week, and it was unsure what impact that would play on travel and racing. The DC Ragnar Facebook page blew up with everyone wondering what would happen (MITZI!).<br />
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After months of excited anticipation, Thursday afternoon, October 1, finally came. We ended up being able to borrow two vehicles, a Ford Transit van and a Toyota Sequoia. A huge blessing thanks to incredible people! Both vehicles left between 4-5pm, with 11/12 teammates between the two. The Sequoia picked up teammate 12 in Baltimore, with both vehicles arriving to Cumberland, MD near the start around 9pm. The team met altogether for the first time, everyone checked into their hotels or campsite without a problem, and we had our last night of normalcy.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Korina ready to start us off strong!</td></tr>
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Van 1 (Korina, Melissa, Eric, Tim, Lauren, Chris) started at 9am. Van 2 (Lukas, me, Amelia, Mark, Korina, Josh) didn't start until Van 1 finished their first 6 legs, which was projected to be around 2pm. We all went to the start to cheer on the whole team, and then Van 2 waited...which was so hard! We were so amped up to race, and then we go to the start, and then have to wait at least 5 hours until it's our turn to run. So we went and got a leisurely breakfast at Belle Grove Diner, then made our way to Exchange 6, the first big meet up. Unfortunately, the weather was cold and wet, which made partying at major exchanges less than appealing and meant as much car time as possible the majority of the race. At Exchange 6 though, there was a little restaurant that let us sit inside while we waited for Van 1. They had thousands of dollar bills on the ceiling and so we left our mark.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_xTDBOY0Vz8oBIvFE0zWAJEOCrV11BSCBUx_KdUfuPV1ztB3nzLapFfLJ4l1EmzXuXcU-I105y5PeGnvtyXslWwrCggDo3KIClIM0wTDA0cigQdeOGMwvDlGfrwy82e4WWUckyz8lYa2i/s1600/exchange+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_xTDBOY0Vz8oBIvFE0zWAJEOCrV11BSCBUx_KdUfuPV1ztB3nzLapFfLJ4l1EmzXuXcU-I105y5PeGnvtyXslWwrCggDo3KIClIM0wTDA0cigQdeOGMwvDlGfrwy82e4WWUckyz8lYa2i/s320/exchange+6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waiting at Exchange 6!</td></tr>
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Finally, it was Van 2's turn to run! Van 1 did great, with the exception of a minor mix up about which exchange was which resulting in a half hour delay. Now it was their turn to rest!<br />
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Our first rotation went well. Everyone was excited and happy to finally be running. My first leg (Exchange 8) is the one I had been most worried about. It was 6.8 miles and was ranked "very hard" due to the first 3 miles being entirely uphill and the last 4 being entirely downhill. Yes, the uphill was challenging, but I ran the whole thing and flew down the second half! At least I think I did, as my GPS watch didn't work for this leg. But I felt great!<br />
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During each other's runs, the van would leap frog the runner so you got to see your van and teammates every couple of miles and they checked in to make sure you were doing ok. This helped with motivation a lot, knowing your team was ahead waiting for you.<br />
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I think around 730/8pm, van 2 finished their 1st rotation. This put us at Exchange 12 handing off to Van 1 again. At this point, it was now dark, cold, and rainy. Ideal conditions! Exchange 12 was at a high school, where there were promised hot (actually cold) showers, a spaghetti dinner, and indoor sleeping available in the gym. Any type of dry space bigger than the van we had been in for 12 hours sounded incredible. We loaded some of our stuff into the high school to dry off and rest, then I went outside and waited for the handoff between Runner 12 (Josh) and Runner 1 (Korina). Here, I found out Korina was battling an ankle injury and unsure if she would be able to finish. Also, the Sequoia wouldn't start, and they needed to get moving to pick Korina up after she finished Leg 13! Major panic set in for me as I thought of all the possible and impractical solutions we may have to attempt. A huge blessing occurred when a kind van with jumper cables got the Sequoia to start and they were off again.<br />
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Van 2 ate a mediocre, warm, but still delicious plate of spaghetti, and hunkered down to try and sleep. I got probably a good hour of sleep on that hard gym floor. I wish we had brought more blankets/sleeping bags because we were cold sharing, but we managed with what we had.<br />
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At 11pm, I woke in a panic with 2 important texts- 1 saying Leg 23, Katrina's next leg, was cancelled due to flooding. The second saying Van 1 was making better time than anticipated, which meant we had to get moving to meet them at Exchange 18 at a creamery. Van 2 was great at getting it together and getting moving, and we made it with plenty of time to meet them. As we got ready to start our 2nd rotation, Van 1 got ready to eat burgers and take a nap. Needless to say, at midnight in the cold, dark, rain, Van 2 got a little jealous!<br />
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My second leg, which was Exchange 20, was 6.9 miles "hard." I knew it had some hills, but it definitely had steeper hills than I anticipated. I walked up one steep hill, but did run the rest. The first mile felt great, but by mile 2, the novelty of running at night in the rain had worn off and I was ready to be done. Luckily, getting done can sometimes be motivation enough to finish! Seen on this leg was a GIANT chicken statue, and apparently a pumpkin tree that I didn't see but my van did. I finished with a 9:41 min/mile. Everyone was such a trooper in the middle of night. It was so cold and wet, but no one in my van complained once (out loud anyway) and they even said it added to the fun and adventure. Where did I find such crazy friends to do this with me?!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gK1I3M5SvpjR0_4dNl6wC67SgjcS_FbQnBQiDAYdYqhE8DYKxEgKIY40znrZfJhnpsG4v17ArpoU7WqPBQyOJL3QgoWeDwbljM3A6yTts3Y2NV5dLXkvu6CsBS2AjcGZD_bwwZFswB-E/s1600/middle+of+hte+night.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gK1I3M5SvpjR0_4dNl6wC67SgjcS_FbQnBQiDAYdYqhE8DYKxEgKIY40znrZfJhnpsG4v17ArpoU7WqPBQyOJL3QgoWeDwbljM3A6yTts3Y2NV5dLXkvu6CsBS2AjcGZD_bwwZFswB-E/s320/middle+of+hte+night.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
Because Exchange 23 was cancelled, and Korina was hurt, Katrina ended up running Korina's last leg, which worked out perfectly. This had us finishing Leg 25 about 6:30am. At this point, we were exhausted from no sleep, two runs, and being out in the rain all night. Plus the vehicle was a disorganized mess from everyone throwing their stuff around all night. The great news is that Van 1 had the brilliant idea to get a hotel around Exchange 24, so they rested there while we ran, and then it was our turn to rest while they ran.<br />
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Let me tell you, a hotel room has never looked so good. It had 2 beds and a pull-out sofa, a fireplace, and 2 showers. We buckled down and showered and got settled for some sleep pretty fast. After another hour of beautiful sleep, I woke up in another panic to another text with an update from Van 1 about their imminent finish with Exchange 30. So at 9am, we headed out for our last meet up before the finish!<br />
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Time was so strange. It felt like we had been doing this Ragnar race for months, even though it had only been 24 hours. It felt like the people in our van were the only people that existed and everyone back home was a distant memory. That race became your life for the hours you were in it, because it took all of your mental and physical energy to focus on what you had to do.<br />
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Food was also so difficult because you were forcing yourself to eat in the middle of the night because your body needed fuel, but nothing tasted good. Plus, in the rain, it was difficult to access the food we brought since you didn't want to stand out in the rain to get anything.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWtNMg0qohhtxY-io0AQHlwH8Pj2cjmggRHrT2ukIdlxULm6_L-WpBGgW-LBfuU72s2e7ao6b62Z8zJGUsk4Yutwfcq-FmpZIXYL9kI-8p9oun599_48AZp758Zz_oeMWFDUYYJeiaV-cK/s1600/IMG_1868.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWtNMg0qohhtxY-io0AQHlwH8Pj2cjmggRHrT2ukIdlxULm6_L-WpBGgW-LBfuU72s2e7ao6b62Z8zJGUsk4Yutwfcq-FmpZIXYL9kI-8p9oun599_48AZp758Zz_oeMWFDUYYJeiaV-cK/s320/IMG_1868.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waiting for our last rotation at Exchange 30</td></tr>
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My last leg, Leg 32, was 6.9 miles "moderate." Again, much more difficult than anticipated. The first 4 miles were flat, on a trail, and halfway through I had a water station with a Snickers bar. This part was great... and then the last 3 miles or so were in a neighborhood with major hills! After running two other legs with big hills, my shins were on fire. I had to walk up 1 hill and down 1 hill. I finished at a 10:04 min/mile, and was never so happy to finish running (other than my marathon). When I finished, I couldn't stop laughing. I blame it on the lack of sleep and physical exhaustion, but I couldn't stop laughing at the thought that I had survived! I did a Ragnar!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just a little excited to be at my LAST MILE</td></tr>
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After me, we only had 4 more runners until we were done altogether! It seemed like everyone in my van thought their last leg was harder than anticipated, but that seems normal given what we had been through. Everyone still crushed it. I was smart and put together a team of people faster than me!<br />
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After exchanging Josh for Karina (runner 12 for 11), we made our way to the finish. We stopped and got some hot food on the walk to Yards Park. I had broccoli cheddar soup, Sun Chips, and a Pepsi. I think my stomach shrunk, because I could only eat and drink half of everything, but it was so good! I felt guilty for eating such deliciousness while Josh was still out suffering, but my body was saying "it's ok, you deserve it!"<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx273mmedbrqyBe8wADNi7AL5Ec2aDM9Y6AeTgzFgLl036xngw8CfS6ef2gn8gtSIFpXxh1fQoVF05ej2y2lU4pzEG7_H4xrzHV88sURv-1vqIpatkcRafe9V9qXhzhLoguzlwLg1he4w4/s1600/owen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx273mmedbrqyBe8wADNi7AL5Ec2aDM9Y6AeTgzFgLl036xngw8CfS6ef2gn8gtSIFpXxh1fQoVF05ej2y2lU4pzEG7_H4xrzHV88sURv-1vqIpatkcRafe9V9qXhzhLoguzlwLg1he4w4/s200/owen.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTRumsTyQaiWNhG5B-OHT87wOLj0gMWMYUJ0hD5Qgz8pFzXZjBwOv8uQpYIuZin-t1FA7YHd3h-HBsA72RKL-ildiH_uscTmotCGaGZxHv66VgFrAuUKRD7HwNW9-tps_8MZvJR-e4RkJe/s1600/IMG_1873.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTRumsTyQaiWNhG5B-OHT87wOLj0gMWMYUJ0hD5Qgz8pFzXZjBwOv8uQpYIuZin-t1FA7YHd3h-HBsA72RKL-ildiH_uscTmotCGaGZxHv66VgFrAuUKRD7HwNW9-tps_8MZvJR-e4RkJe/s200/IMG_1873.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
We had two incredible friends come down to the finish, Jessica and Heather, with their kiddos. They stood out in the cold to celebrate and cheer us on. Also incredible were our volunteers, a friend I work with and her family, who stood out in the rain from midnight to 5am to direct runners and cars. These people are amazing!!<br />
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When we saw Josh coming in close to the finish, we made a tunnel for him to run through and started running, trying to keep up with his finishing race pace with our sore, tired, cold legs. As we crossed that finish line, I was overcome with feelings of joy, completeness, pride, accomplishment, and gratitude. Finishing meant so much more than just running 200 miles. For me, it represented the journey Josh and I have been on this past year-and we made it. We came out stronger, although sore and beat up, and we came out together, with so many friends around us. In the time since we finished the race, it has felt like I really will be ok. And lately, it has not been feeling like that. But this proved to me that I can do hard and seemingly impossible things. I can keep going when it gets tough. And there is so much more strength available than I am capable of by myself. I couldn't have done the race by myself, and I couldn't have survived this year by myself. We hugged, we got our medals, we ate pizza, and stocked up on Ragnar gear. No one wanted to sit around too long, so we sorted out vans and who was going where, and headed home!<br />
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I knew it was Sloane's birthday and the day we held her and loved her, but that was not what was on my mind. I thought of her and I ran for her, but I was not overcome with feelings of sadness or flashbacks. Which is HUGE on such a potentially rough day.<br />
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Overall, it was a huge success. Everyone had such a positive attitude and meshed so well, considering most of them did not know each other! Plus they were incredible runners and toughed out a Ragnar in a storm. I have so much love for everyone on this team because only they know what we survived together this weekend! We ended up finishing 35th out of 202 teams in our mixed open division. We finished 200ish miles in 29 hours, 33 minutes, at an average pace of 8:52 min/mile. Not bad for a group of first timers!<br />
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Things to think about for next time...<br />
<ul>
<li>Food. I would put one person in charge of food and supplies for each vehicle, because then they know what there is and where it is. I think we had a lot of food that didn't get eaten because I packed it all, so the van I wasn't in didn't know what they were digging for in the cold dark. </li>
<li>Spirit. I would put one person in charge of spirit stuff, whether that be car decorating, costumes, team magnets, etc. </li>
<li>Organization. I think it would help for each person to have one big bag that they can keep the bulk of their stuff in, and one small bag that they can keep with them in the car. This can hold their next running outfit and/or their next non-running outfit. </li>
<li>More blankets and warmer clothes! (hopefully that only applies to this race)</li>
<li>I spent unnecessary money printing out all of the leg maps and race bible, which we didn't use because the Ragnar App was great. </li>
<li>Take off more time from work (if only!)</li>
<li>Stay in a hotel after the race.</li>
</ul>
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-56254028572569286562015-09-21T20:03:00.000-04:002015-09-21T20:03:15.796-04:00A Year Ago Today...A year ago today, I anxiously awaited my baby girl's arrival. My due date was September 22- a day that had been circled on my calendar for about 9 months. I had meetings scheduled at work for another week still because I knew the average arrival for 1st babies was 10 days after the due date. But secretly, deep down, I hoped my baby girl would be on time and prove me wrong. I didn't know how much I hoped she would be on time until my due date passed, and she wasn't here yet. Every day seemed like an eternity. I felt so sure that she would be late and I felt so tough, or something, for working until I went into labor. But looking back now, I would give anything for her to have arrived on time. Because on September 22, she was healthy. Her heart was beating and she was alive and well. I even had an appointment on my due date. Looking at the ultrasound screen, my midwife made the comment, "good looking brain!" I smiled proudly- obviously my baby is going to have a beautiful brain (doesn't every parent think this about their child?!). If I only knew that I wouldn't get to see the development of that beautiful brain. At least not now.<br />
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I didn't anticipate September 22 being that hard this year-after all, it was a pretty uneventful day last year, so why should this year be different? But it is just a reminder of the hope, excitement, naïveté, and innocence that I had then. Last September, I thought it was absolutely terrible to go 10 days late! I literally couldn't imagine anything worse. The things I worried about included if my HypnoBabies training would be enough to help me through the labor, what my little girl would look like, what kind of baby she would be, how I would handle breastfeeding-I wasn't worried about her dying. I had a perfect pregnancy. At every appointment, we heard good news. I was low-risk, low-intervention-- a very boring pregnancy that resulted in a very traumatic experience and no baby to take home.<br />
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I love the fall, and that hasn't changed- we got married in the fall, my birthday is in the fall, we got Franklin in the fall, and of course, we met our baby girl in the fall. I have reminders of Sloane everywhere right now, which is wonderful. Unfortunately, some of those reminders are mixed with pain too. They are reminders of what almost was, and of what we thought was going to be- a future that was in reach, and then a second later, gone. So every fall, while we will celebrate so many important events in our family, we will also take time to mourn everything that was lost October 2014.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-40963809389876471762015-08-02T10:18:00.002-04:002015-08-02T10:18:57.681-04:00Saving TeddyOne morning a couple of weeks ago, I headed out for a morning run through the neighborhood as I often do. I didn't bring Franklin with me, as the weather in MS in July is not too friendly to a dog with thick, curly hair. He's ok with this arrangement. When he does go outside, he looks at me after about 10 minutes, tongue hanging out bright red, with a look that says, "why did you think this was a good idea?'<br />
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About 2.5 miles into my run, 2 little dogs started barking ferociously at me. However, I noticed they weren't exactly looking at me, but rather behind me. I turned around, and there was a dog following me! Just trotting along, happy as can be to be out on a morning run. I stopped to say hi and pet him, then kept running. He loved being petted, then also kept running behind me--for 3.5 more miles. When a car came, he ran into the bushes to hide. When the car was gone, he sprinted to catch up with me. I gave him some water when I got home because the poor guy had earned a drink.<br />
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I knew he couldn't come in the house, so I sat outside with him a lot of the day. He had no leash, quite a few ticks, fleas, and was pretty skinny. When we tried to tie him up, he just lunged trying to follow me, got himself all tangled up, and I felt terrible for him. We ended up untying him to ease my guilt. This little guy thought he had found his new home- he stayed on our porch all night. I had called the humane society earlier in the day and they said no one had reported a missing dog. I called the closest vet, and they took my name and number and told me they would call if anyone was looking for him. One of our friends posted on the neighborhood facebook page about him, with no response. We drove around and looked for posters. We walked around the area he started following and talked to a few neighbors. But no one seemed to recognize or claim our new friend!<br />
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The next morning, when Josh went out for an 8 mile run, our new friend left with him and followed him all 8 miles, with no leash. At this point, I started to fret because I did not know what to do with him. I called my mother and father in tears (not the first tears I had shed for him), knowing they had thought about getting a dog. Miracle of miracles, they agreed to take him! The next question was how to get him from MS to NE...after looking into a few options, we decided it would be fastest to meet halfway in AL for the drop-off.<br />
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We took our new friend to the vet the next day to have him examined, look for a microchip, and see what he needed done. Since we needed a name for him to make all of this happen, we decided to go with Theodore, or Teddy for short (sticking with the Roosevelt theme we started with Franklin). The vet gave him all of his shots, and we boarded him there for the weekend while Josh and I went on a previously planned weekend getaway.<br />
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Monday, we picked him up and headed to meet his new family. He rode in the car like a champ! He also thoroughly enjoyed his night of luxury in a hotel...the first thing he did was jump up on the bed, which did not last long.<br />
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Since starting his new life in NE, he is happily adjusting to life on the farm--riding in the truck, going for long runs on the dirt roads, and best of all, smelling and chasing the chickens!<br />
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I instantly fell in love with Teddy because he loved me! He is the happiest dog and soaks up every ounce of attention you can give him. He loves belly rubs, any type of food, cold floors, and running. He worked his way into my heart, and he found himself a home because of it :)<br />
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While this little guy caused me a great deal of anxiety and a few sleepless nights worrying about his safety and belonging, I am beyond thrilled that he has found a home, and a home that gives me updates about him anytime I ask!<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-82675534055958454322015-07-01T11:37:00.000-04:002015-07-01T11:37:04.780-04:009 monthsAs we head into my favorite holiday weekend (fireworks! hot dogs! ice cream! America!), there is an important day that will come first. Tomorrow will be 9 months since saying goodbye to our little Sloane. While each month has seemed important for various reasons, 9 months is significant, for after this, she will be apart from me longer than she was with me. This feels terrible, because it feels like she is becoming more distant. But in some ways there is freedom and peace the farther out we get, as I know she is still with me and I feel stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have felt the burden of grief lifted at times. 9 months is a momentous marker in time, for good and for bad.<br />
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I have been in MS for about 2 weeks now, and while it is the 3rd summer we have been here, this summer has posed some unique challenges. Sloane is always on my mind, and I always want to talk about her and share her, but I do not always trust strangers or even acquaintances with this special and sacred piece of my life. The question becomes, how do I honor her while still protecting my heart? I don't have the answer to this yet. Typically, if people ask, I have no problem saying I have a daughter who died. The following awkward and uncomfortable conversation that follows is something I have become accustomed to. The problem comes when people don't ask. Because truthfully, looking at Josh and I, you would make the assumption that we don't have kids, so how would this even come up? But that aspect of our lives has played such a critical role in who I am, in everything I do, that it feels wrong to not share that part of my life. The difficulties of losing Sloane change and transform in their shape and magnitude, but I do not think they will ever go away. It will always be hard.<br />
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Something I have been focusing on lately that is motivating for me is training for the Ragnar race in October. It feels so good to be getting stronger physically, and as I have been increasing my mileage, I have also been reminded of the mental effort required in running. Mentally, I feel like nothing can beat me now. Running up a long, steep hill when it is hot and humid--yes, it sucks, but it doesn't compare to losing your baby. I know now that I can do hard, even impossible, things.<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-11109157715954233372015-06-01T20:56:00.000-04:002015-06-01T20:56:04.487-04:00Summertime is HereAfter longing for months for summer to be here, it has arrived! It is June. With the changing season, I have found myself in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Walking at the beach</td></tr>
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I went to therapy for a couple of months, for which I attribute some of this health to. I also attribute some of it to the longer days, the sunshine, and the smaller workload that comes with the new season. I am also learning who I am <strike>again</strike> now and feeling more comfortable with that person. I have learned it is essential for me to have grand and wonderful things to look forward to. So far, this has looked like--white water tubing, camping at the beach, and Hersheypark. In the future, it will look like--San Francisco and a Giants game, the Avett Brothers concert and a weekend trip to New Orleans. These things get me through each day and each week and each month without Sloane. Obviously they don't replace her, but they remind me that life is still worth living, and that there is beauty and goodness in so many aspects of life. Without these things, I would be easily and quickly overwhelmed by the heartwrenching trials of life.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">The river we tubed on (not as much white water as I would've liked...)</td></tr>
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Last week, there were 8 people I knew of who died. Some were nationally known, many were relatives of friends, but one I considered a friend, although she was in our life for a brief period of time. I know all too well that it doesn't take long for someone to make a lasting difference in your life. Two summers ago, we met a fun, vibrant 16 year old. We hung out with her and her family a few times over the summer. Several months later, she was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma. Last week, a year after being diagnosed, she died. My heart has ached for her parents and for her siblings and for her close friends who feel the sting of her absence. Her death has reminded me once again, that life is not fair. If it were fair, 18 year old girls would not die from cancer and babies would not die before they are born. There is simply nothing fair about it.<br />
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But we are not here to have a fair and balanced life. That's not the point. The point is for it to <i>not</i> be fair, because it is in these times that we come to rely on Christ. And so while some of my mental and emotional health is due to therapy and some of it is due to the nice weather, I know the bulk of it is due to Him. He knows it is not fair better than anyone else, and He will help ease these burdens because He knows just how unfair it is, and because He loves us.<br />
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Tomorrow will be 8 months since we met and said good-bye to our little angel. 8 months ago tonight that I was blissfully unaware of anything wrong and that she was most likely already gone. 8 months ago tonight I was happy to be in labor finally and soon be meeting our little baby girl. 8 months ago tomorrow morning my world crashed around me, and I have been picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together for these past 8 months. It seems so long ago and so far away since that other life I had.<br />
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Looking back at these 8 months, there are some things I wish I didn't do, like buy a new car and paint my walls green. In hindsight, I know these were decisions and distractions made in the midst of grief, but in the moment, they seemed perfectly rational. But it is so healing to see where I have been and how far I have come. I can say that I am ok, and actually mean it. I don't cry every week, and there are times when I can think of Sloane with nothing but joy and peace. A little girl at my preschool, remembering my big belly at the beginning of the year, looked up at me today and asked, "Where is your baby?" A few months ago, this would have ruined my day and I would be a disaster. Today I could tell this little girl that my baby is not here, and I could know--<i>really</i> know--that she is ok. She is not far from here, although I cannot see her.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Sloane's flower garden</td></tr>
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Another sign to me that I am healing is that TTC does not consume me as it did a few months ago. I am nearing the end of my 2nd round of Clomid, and I almost feel indifferent to the outcome. That may be an automatic form of self-preservation, but I'm ok with that because apathy is a heck of a lot easier to live with than anxiety. I think in large part, this is because I have things to look forward to this year and I know that while motherhood is important to me, it is not all I am. It can't be. And if I get pregnant, I'll deal with those emotions when they come. For now, it's all ok.<br />
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Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-51634732009027623062015-05-08T07:37:00.003-04:002015-05-09T12:35:00.084-04:00I get by with a little help from my friendsThis has been the theme of my week.<div><br></div><div>I am quickly approaching my first year completed as a school psychologist! Hallelujah. As I was talking about this to our guidance counselor intern this week, I made the comment that I've only made it at work this year with a little help from my friends. She helped with one of my social skills groups, and so she was one of these friends. I said this in a lighthearted manner, but after thinking about it, I realized the depth behind the catchy song. There is honestly no way I would have survived my first year without the help of so many people! There are so many questions that come up in your first year that you really can't prepare for, and you need solid people to turn to. I am a big fan of the team approach to problem solving because, 1. All of the pressure isn't just on me, and 2. You get the best ideas by taking several people's experiences and backgrounds into account when looking at a difficult situation. </div><div><br></div><div>This also got me thinking about my personal life, and how I also would not have survived this year without my friends. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have some amazing, incredible women who for some reason have picked me to be their friend and watch out for me and counsel me and listen and check in and feel the feelings with me. They are truly <i>there.</i> After the honeymoon stage of marriage where I wasn't too interested in having close girlfriends, and grad school where I had incredible women in my life but our lives revolved around school, I am at a point where I can have and want close friends. And it's awesome! </div><div><br></div><div>In school, I remember learning about the importance of social support and a strong support system. This seems obvious, but having people who have this social support deal better with challenges. I've mentioned this before, but we have felt this support so much at various times this year. I've just felt truly loved, and that feeling is priceless. We really do get by with a little help from our friends. </div><div><br></div><div>This has all led me to plan our next big adventure: the 2015 Ragnar going from Cumberland, MD to Washington, D.C. on Sloane's birthday. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHDLJGl1WGokJn-ZcngdXUBIgFJwwWdPbmj7M9EvOr62R9NV3DFqSIq4b2IfaAUUhgpWLcAhyqgGsr_3ddrItocwABL5eN0sKZ4cSbOaz2aMaH8j4myD7-Yjasrn6cOCW5GzSMEko20que/s640/blogger-image-1724884099.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHDLJGl1WGokJn-ZcngdXUBIgFJwwWdPbmj7M9EvOr62R9NV3DFqSIq4b2IfaAUUhgpWLcAhyqgGsr_3ddrItocwABL5eN0sKZ4cSbOaz2aMaH8j4myD7-Yjasrn6cOCW5GzSMEko20que/s640/blogger-image-1724884099.jpg"></a></div></div><br></div><div>The timing is incredible, and I can't think of a better way to remember her while still making personal growth than doing a big relay with 11 friends! I am so incredibly excited. It gives me a goal and something to plan and think about other than my reproductive life, which is a break I need so badly. I have a ways to go in training, but I can't wait to get started! <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0w3kzkZwfftIMQ7A7UxJOivwjYhS3N7CisPvbqIVkvtLY-z1y3KWmeWP2WptS3BiifUe_DQHDBFN5uRBMcw44w1nS8LpHG03r8tl0XOFuu7E5RC78ypHlLxxWA4Pn04am2NPgMtw6Guw8/s640/blogger-image-1686887694.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0w3kzkZwfftIMQ7A7UxJOivwjYhS3N7CisPvbqIVkvtLY-z1y3KWmeWP2WptS3BiifUe_DQHDBFN5uRBMcw44w1nS8LpHG03r8tl0XOFuu7E5RC78ypHlLxxWA4Pn04am2NPgMtw6Guw8/s640/blogger-image-1686887694.jpg"></a></div></div>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-14466358270468393092015-04-19T21:47:00.002-04:002015-04-19T21:47:58.918-04:00On the TTC Journey...There are so many acronyms to figure out in the world of TTC (trying to conceive). That alone has been difficult-I wish there was a dictionary for this stuff.<br />
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We are coming up on 7 months since Sloane died, and I thought I would be 4 months pregnant by now. You see, I thought it would happen right away, just like it did last time. You would think I would have learned that nothing works the way you think it is going to, but apparently I didn't learn that lesson enough already, so I have some more figuring out to do...<br />
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Because I'm not pregnant.<br />
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I've been ok not being pregnant yet. I have become hyper-focused on trying to figure out my body and when am I ovulating and when could I get pregnant and is my period late, or is my cycle just longer this time? I've been "ok" in the sense that I am incredibly aware of what stage of my cycle I'm in and when I would be due if I were to get pregnant this time. That's normal, right? I've done ovulation predictor kits and multiple pregnancy tests and basal body temperatures. I feel like I've done it all in a few short months. This TTC journey is exhausting, and there are women who do it for years. I may be one of these women, we will find out. Each of these journeys is unique, and of course, my TTC journey has been coupled with grief and longing for Sloane.<br />
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What I have learned in these past 7 months about my body is that it is a mess. I really had high hopes for it, as I mentioned above, but I have come to doubt it and resent it and be angry at it, for many reasons, some obvious, some less so. One of these reasons is that I have had irregular and long cycles, which make TTC again so incredibly frustrating. After last month's 47 day doozie, I called the doc and we made a plan. <b>47 days.</b> I realize that in the big scheme of things, 47 days may be the blink of an eye, but when you are hoping and waiting and wanting to get pregnant, 47 days is an eternity. Similarly, for some, 7 months TTC may not seem like long, especially after a loss like ours, but let me tell you what-it feels long.<br />
<br />
So after speaking with my midwife, the plan is to take Clomid. While she is ever so diplomatic and unbiased enough to let me make my own decision, I could see her wariness about this plan as we spoke about it. Her wariness came because there is an 8% chance of having a multiple pregnancy. Multiple pregnancies come with their own set of risks. To some, they may see a multiple pregnancy as the chance to have more than one baby! To me, I see the chance to lose more than one baby.<br />
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In spite of this risk, I jumped on this plan. My heart cannot handle 47+ days with little knowledge of when I ovulate and what is going on. It is too long. So we made our plan and I immediately felt better knowing there was a plan. I'm a planner, and this felt good to me.<br />
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Today is day 1 of Clomid, and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. My heart can't handle 47+ days, but can my heart handle being pregnant? I have wanted this and planned for this, talked about this and wished for this, but if it really happens, can my heart handle this?<br />
<br />
I have been caught in the midst of faith and fear for 7 months, trying so hard to choose faith and let that faith fill me and move me. I have struggled with what to put my faith in, though-do I have faith that I can conceive without any type of medical intervention? I used to be a believer in childbirth as a natural process, but look where that got me. Or do I put my faith in doing all I can and trusting God will take care of me? At the end of the day, this is the answer I have settled on. I cannot sit and wait, and I think God knows that and understands that. So I have taken action, making the best choice I can, and I will trust in Him that whatever happens will be for my good.<br />
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<br />Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-47834759624558458122015-04-12T09:37:00.001-04:002015-04-12T09:47:27.883-04:00Quick Weekend Trip<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzlQgERlGyTTJ6EcnTlP_zNtCjWRoNF7dgv7femjVyU00yty3rT5KS5G7yY2A_XqhLi0cZNrLVLuFPOoR76zkWLcNMXKtqidnPZ2FkJGNHSvz2tO5d4bgkIct0r_dtO_iDLTTYdQ0cb1AB/s640/blogger-image-646510762.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzlQgERlGyTTJ6EcnTlP_zNtCjWRoNF7dgv7femjVyU00yty3rT5KS5G7yY2A_XqhLi0cZNrLVLuFPOoR76zkWLcNMXKtqidnPZ2FkJGNHSvz2tO5d4bgkIct0r_dtO_iDLTTYdQ0cb1AB/s640/blogger-image-646510762.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEHJ3f2raIGgL7nlq2jTQOUeJXNH9kaPThYYKUKO9rrF0olzqe61G-pd5ntLLqCg5J7nqmyO0uh6buGNUmM8Frp926-F9l-eAvAlWjrvuUdXBnnSpXjC6Aw1-9tMWbr1NGaUaUA7sYEwq/s640/blogger-image-456707341.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEHJ3f2raIGgL7nlq2jTQOUeJXNH9kaPThYYKUKO9rrF0olzqe61G-pd5ntLLqCg5J7nqmyO0uh6buGNUmM8Frp926-F9l-eAvAlWjrvuUdXBnnSpXjC6Aw1-9tMWbr1NGaUaUA7sYEwq/s640/blogger-image-456707341.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br></div></div></div>We made a quick trip to Columbia, SC this weekend for a wedding of a friend I went to high school with. <div><br></div><div>We stopped in DC on the way down and got to see the cherry blossoms! This has been on my to-do since we moved to DE, so I was happy to see them. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht6U_0B3FU1ARposxoLnIwQDcyUAG674J_xHq3JAhk8YvoXG5Jy1K-oitxnkQgYDgqFI2DfSn4bYG05mIKAZhVuIM-CRN2byZqTal6yjJsgqxr5_8PJ6OjSS19ew_Aw6EYri0ABM_nrZnA/s640/blogger-image-558707938.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht6U_0B3FU1ARposxoLnIwQDcyUAG674J_xHq3JAhk8YvoXG5Jy1K-oitxnkQgYDgqFI2DfSn4bYG05mIKAZhVuIM-CRN2byZqTal6yjJsgqxr5_8PJ6OjSS19ew_Aw6EYri0ABM_nrZnA/s640/blogger-image-558707938.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We stopped at a little restaurant in southern VA for lunch and got BBQ and fried green tomatoes. It made us start to get excited for our summer in MS in a couple months! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwv63EhcfsCqZSI4PveBsq32CzvKYUaTBUwvT54cdMRur7kvuJF7Gt2bMFaqqeh5kJRmdPrK-XeHndld6kxc4BElQN-86bh8Ips0fOSIEzHx7RGK_3Bt1dxe_JK46jqIpl0Ws2TAD3Hgg/s640/blogger-image--77650666.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwv63EhcfsCqZSI4PveBsq32CzvKYUaTBUwvT54cdMRur7kvuJF7Gt2bMFaqqeh5kJRmdPrK-XeHndld6kxc4BElQN-86bh8Ips0fOSIEzHx7RGK_3Bt1dxe_JK46jqIpl0Ws2TAD3Hgg/s640/blogger-image--77650666.jpg"></a></div></div><br></div><div>My friend got married in the LDS Columbia Temple, and it was so wonderful to be there to see and hear them be sealed for eternity. I almost always cry at weddings, and this one was no exception. There is so much love and hope in the room when two people commit to spend their lives and futures together! This sealing was especially emotional for me, as it was the first one we have been to since Sloane died. There was one line that the sealer said that made me realize that although she is gone, she is engaged in doing really important things that are of eternal significance. I felt like she was there with us, and that was incredible. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4ULHuY9GlF4wy4BAUXTyAQ80i1tUv8glsVO0XW5gTk8vAWRXzyOJ7sf5P7JBOtO5Uf-3a0mONf2mZeP9cwX0NzLP1hq4bpI1ycN5FIlvqNfEqk2mRL0TwDhb053Ff1bvQCihcMqj1PRUU/s640/blogger-image-2091766501.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4ULHuY9GlF4wy4BAUXTyAQ80i1tUv8glsVO0XW5gTk8vAWRXzyOJ7sf5P7JBOtO5Uf-3a0mONf2mZeP9cwX0NzLP1hq4bpI1ycN5FIlvqNfEqk2mRL0TwDhb053Ff1bvQCihcMqj1PRUU/s640/blogger-image-2091766501.jpg"></a></div></div><br></div><div>We stayed at a place called the Magnolia Lodge, a plantation house that was built in the 1850's. They rent out the rooms now, and it was quite the experience. The house was beautiful, although I did miss some of my more modern comforts. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8hHRe5Co6JSmog3IXaza3qWwtcPASGY4ngQx5_Urrwweq8gc-7sUXQR9Gpoa_YzmWR8kvjasrYhl3fDZtCNLUzwNYxpn0JAg-GScDccjc1-dzin7-wgpk0VQ74xHFNQRcr09CcJ0jjyE9/s640/blogger-image-716417925.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8hHRe5Co6JSmog3IXaza3qWwtcPASGY4ngQx5_Urrwweq8gc-7sUXQR9Gpoa_YzmWR8kvjasrYhl3fDZtCNLUzwNYxpn0JAg-GScDccjc1-dzin7-wgpk0VQ74xHFNQRcr09CcJ0jjyE9/s640/blogger-image-716417925.jpg"></a></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We had a few friends from Colorado who we stayed there with and went to the wedding with. It was so fun to get to see old friends and explore Columbia together! <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2-6oFsLndEX6CkfIV70j1zlCZhRwv5cYgsMMMb5PpV0t9Vl2p7dn85IMLKpBFc8M5zJr4ezfQnFp_-y5nCYs3CQQGHNamAfC7FwErLI7u0AaBu_rJQK5OHE9tInh-vObC4_0nJvDYxxUg/s640/blogger-image--1836242121.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2-6oFsLndEX6CkfIV70j1zlCZhRwv5cYgsMMMb5PpV0t9Vl2p7dn85IMLKpBFc8M5zJr4ezfQnFp_-y5nCYs3CQQGHNamAfC7FwErLI7u0AaBu_rJQK5OHE9tInh-vObC4_0nJvDYxxUg/s640/blogger-image--1836242121.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><font color="#000000" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg92TYbkQj7USiDjcLVKc68ASmSY9VbK49jLc4RkrPn8o1zI09PK9TJICxrpkzZ1ht9YV9bgCBKmx55qn1x6dxtVAqitASAdcZtqDrRj8IednbV4z41kA6AISclbamwtLyW8qN3JdOjlvgn/s640/blogger-image--779909979.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg92TYbkQj7USiDjcLVKc68ASmSY9VbK49jLc4RkrPn8o1zI09PK9TJICxrpkzZ1ht9YV9bgCBKmx55qn1x6dxtVAqitASAdcZtqDrRj8IednbV4z41kA6AISclbamwtLyW8qN3JdOjlvgn/s640/blogger-image--779909979.jpg"></a></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEHJ3f2raIGgL7nlq2jTQOUeJXNH9kaPThYYKUKO9rrF0olzqe61G-pd5ntLLqCg5J7nqmyO0uh6buGNUmM8Frp926-F9l-eAvAlWjrvuUdXBnnSpXjC6Aw1-9tMWbr1NGaUaUA7sYEwq/s640/blogger-image-456707341.jpg"></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">In the afternoon between the wedding and the reception that evening, we got some BBQ and ice cream. You always have to partake of the local cuisine! <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhQ9dD9WEisclDPXot-gF2GmqUOTi7P33FETeXqHLDYMCF_QkPRG8c9xPgL_E5-9JZULVbVk9WI94hlNEWEQ1BKnKrJTZFC_Ew1vRVZZrU3ePX_XoSWDfIEjtepEKLCdIpStEJpztadA4e/s640/blogger-image--918890567.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhQ9dD9WEisclDPXot-gF2GmqUOTi7P33FETeXqHLDYMCF_QkPRG8c9xPgL_E5-9JZULVbVk9WI94hlNEWEQ1BKnKrJTZFC_Ew1vRVZZrU3ePX_XoSWDfIEjtepEKLCdIpStEJpztadA4e/s640/blogger-image--918890567.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCRoTuZIkpFKHVvqRptf5xn-1dUvv787o_uXcVqJBQFUt_5WdWtPtRgccxw7aTDchV09tO4rrO-mvvLjlSQl4ujTL09_v0LVFU9nqSSQ-FYRiQwysp4gi1VMuut7ffJkkjVELIfGA1NWU8/s640/blogger-image-1802530916.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCRoTuZIkpFKHVvqRptf5xn-1dUvv787o_uXcVqJBQFUt_5WdWtPtRgccxw7aTDchV09tO4rrO-mvvLjlSQl4ujTL09_v0LVFU9nqSSQ-FYRiQwysp4gi1VMuut7ffJkkjVELIfGA1NWU8/s640/blogger-image-1802530916.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">After the wedding, we had a bonfire and fireworks. While it was a quick trip, it was so worth the drive and I'm glad we made the effort to be there! </div><br></div></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><br></div></div>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-297100747222521586.post-84723259560631206802015-04-07T15:56:00.001-04:002015-04-07T15:56:15.329-04:006 monthsI have wonderful people in my life. <div><br></div><div>Time has continued to move on, which in some ways is good, but in some ways is more difficult. It is good to be busy and be happy and have fun again. But it is difficult to be farther away from the space and time where Sloane was here and we held her and she felt so real. </div><div><br></div><div>One of the things that helps this is to have wonderful people who remember her with us; people who really remember her and who feel the sadness and miss her with us. It helps to know we are not alone in this experience, and to know that she continues to be loved in spite of her physical absence, and to know she has made an impact in others' lives as well as our own. I have two incredible, beautiful, kind friends who each gave me a small remembrance of Sloane, but who also bought the same small remembrance for themselves. Both of these women have little girls about the same age Sloane would be, and it means the world to know that they have this remembrance and will think of her as they raise their own daughters. Because all anyone wants is to be remembered. </div><div><br></div><div>6 months has past, and to many, I may appear fine. And indeed, in many ways I am fine. But I still have dark moments and times when nothing is ok and it's not fair and I don't know how I can go on and all I want is for her to be here. I want a do-over. 6 months feels like a very long time, and I feel very old compared to who I was a year ago. </div><div><br></div><div>So while it has been a few days past since Sloane's 1/2 birthday, I remain grateful to those who remember me, but most importantly to those who remember her and continue to think of her. </div>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17410559867875693029noreply@blogger.com3