We just got the pictures this week, figuring we might be strong enough now to handle looking at them. It was still hard to see them and to remember that day, but I am grateful for the pictures to be able to more fully remember it. While October 1st and 2nd will be burned into my mind forever, the days following are a blur, and these pictures help bring some clarity to one of them.
When I look at these pictures, I am reminded of the strength of my dear husband in those early days. I was physically so so weak, and emotionally broken. We managed through that time together, but he was so determined to do whatever he could for our little girl, to try and make up for the lifetime of other things he would not be able to do for her.
These pictures break my heart, because caskets should not be made that small. People should not go from becoming parents to burying a child at the same time. I don't want to be the mourning mother in black in the cemetery, but yet that is me in these pictures.
Tomorrow it will be 4 months since that day. I wish there was more we were doing for her every day. I wish there was more to do for her than write about her and remember her. I wish I could share her smiles, her coos, and the cute little outfits she would have had, instead of memories of her funeral.
They put the stone in last week that so many so generously contributed to. I feel more peace at her grave now that it is in, but like everything else, it came with a mix of emotions. It was hard to see it because it made it that much more final, but it looked a lot nicer and I felt like it was better for her with it in.
Going there, we are always reminded of the incredible outpouring of love and support that was so freely given to us in those early days, and that enabled us to get the stone in so quickly. So much help from so many people trying to help ease our burden. I learned so much from people who would drop everything, give so much, cry with us, and take time to be with us or pray for us or think of us. That is what makes each day bearable, and that is what I keep holding on to. There is so much good in the world, and there is so much that is even better that is yet to come, esp. being with baby Sloane again one day. So while we may have done what no one should have to do, and we will continue to struggle and learn through this, I have to be grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life, and grateful to have my little girl waiting for me and cheering me on.