I just read this blog post:
My Baby Died and I Can't Shut Up About It
and one line really stood out to me- "it was too much for me."
My life is so busy. It is a rare occasion when there is an evening that is free and I am at home. Most times, I enjoy this busyness, as I grew up busy, shuttling from one activity to the next. I do well with being busy because I feel useful and productive. In the midst of this busyness, however, I often do not have time to fully feel. I move from one activity to the next, just like I have always done. Sad thoughts may enter my mind, but they do not resonate in my heart, because there is no time to do so, as my mind is on to the next task at hand and that sad thought is no longer there.
In the midst of the busyness, there are certain things that I can deal with in my head. I can see newborn babies, hear of people's pregnancies, and see babies born around the time Sloane was born. I can think of what milestones Sloane would be reaching if she were here still. I can do these things, and it does not resonate in my heart. I may even be able to make a kind comment to these other mothers, if it's a good day.
But in the quiet times, at home, these things catch up to me, and they make their way from my head to my heart. These are the times that my head does not get to be in control anymore, for my heart takes over. My heart still knows that it is hard and that I miss my baby girl. My heart remembers with such clarity the night she was born, holding her, leaving the hospital without her, and burying her sweet little body. My heart knows it has to be guarded most of the time, and that it can't always share in others' joys like it used to.
I am grateful for both my head and my heart, and grateful for the busyness and the quiet. I am grateful to do daily activities as I need to, but also to have time to reflect, process, and give my heart time to grieve.