Ragnar Richmond!

After doing the Ragnar DC in October for Sloane, one of the team members signed up to do the Ragnar Trail Relay in Richmond. The date was to be April 28-29. We hoped we would have a baby by then, but wanted to be able to participate anyway. We figured Josh would be able to run it, and hopefully I would be able to go along for fun.

In the midst of barely surviving the first two weeks of newborn life, there were many times I thought this sounded crazy. But the idea of staying home alone for a weekend without Josh also sounded crazy, so I booked a hotel and determined to make it work. Luckily one of my friends decided she was up for the adventure with us, so she drove down and stayed the night with me in case of any catastrophe that I needed back up for.

We left Friday morning, and made it down to Richmond in 5 hours with only one stop for lunch/diaper change/feeding/bathroom break. Everything went great!

We checked in to the hotel and took Josh to his campsite for the night at the race. We hung out at the site to see Josh's first leg start and finish. Lewis did great!

I was most nervous for night because typically I have Josh to help with diaper changes and my middle-of-the-night craziness. But Lewis did so well! The night went smoothly and we made it back to the race the next morning to see Josh's last leg finish. 

By Saturday night, even though Lewis had done well, I was just exhausted from being outside all day and trying to figure out diapers and feeding in a tent. Josh was exhausted from staying up all night running. It was a rough night, but we survived our first family trip together :) The last leg of the trip came on the way home on Sunday. While it took us 5 hours to drive to Richmond, it took 9 hours to drive home. There was a 20-car pile up on I-95 which left us completely stopped for 2.5 hours+the slowdown surrounding the stop. Lewis still did really well, and only screamed when he was hungry or dirty. His routine got a little out of whack from the trip, but we are working on getting back to 3 hour stretches of sleep. 

While it may have been a little crazy to take a 4 week old on a 2 night overnight trip, it's important to us make sure the little man becomes incorporated into the things we like to do and gets out to have different experiences. Hopefully he will learn to be versatile and flexible and we will continue to learn to be patient. It was also important because I was pregnant with L at the last Ragnar we did, so it seemed fitting for him to be at this one! 

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl-- Ragnar Race Recap

This weekend has been a whirlwind. I am currently laying on the couch with aching legs and a full heart, longing to relive this whirlwind weekend. Which I will do through a post :)

Josh and I decided to do the Washington DC Ragnar Relay in early May. We saw it was on Sloane's birthday, and ever since she died, we had wanted to do something with the term "Strides for Sloane." After 8 months, we found the perfect opportunity to honor her, remember her, and celebrate her. Ragnar Relays are 12 person, 200 mile overnight relays. So we found 10 other crazy people that captured many different areas of our lives, and we had our Ragnar team. The team included people we know from church, mountain biking, Mississippi, grad school, and high school.

The girls on the team

Josh and I trained all summer in the Mississippi heat with 2-a-days, humidity, and hills. But we knew it was for Sloane, so it wasn't that bad. Planning for the event and training for it gave me something positive to look forward in connection with her birthday--a day that could have been terrible, ridden with anxiety and reliving nightmares.

As the event got closer, my mind was consumed with preparation and last minute details. Despite a few emergencies and changes, it seemed like everything was coming together-except the weather. Reports of Hurricane Joaquin had been coming in all week, and it was unsure what impact that would play on travel and racing. The DC Ragnar Facebook page blew up with everyone wondering what would happen (MITZI!).

After months of excited anticipation, Thursday afternoon, October 1, finally came. We ended up being able to borrow two vehicles, a Ford Transit van and a Toyota Sequoia. A huge blessing thanks to incredible people! Both vehicles left between 4-5pm, with 11/12 teammates between the two. The Sequoia picked up teammate 12 in Baltimore, with both vehicles arriving to Cumberland, MD near the start around 9pm. The team met altogether for the first time, everyone checked into their hotels or campsite without a problem, and we had our last night of normalcy.

Korina ready to start us off strong!

Van 1 (Korina, Melissa, Eric, Tim, Lauren, Chris) started at 9am. Van 2 (Lukas, me, Amelia, Mark, Korina, Josh) didn't start until Van 1 finished their first 6 legs, which was projected to be around 2pm. We all went to the start to cheer on the whole team, and then Van 2 waited...which was so hard! We were so amped up to race, and then we go to the start, and then have to wait at least 5 hours until it's our turn to run. So we went and got a leisurely breakfast at Belle Grove Diner, then made our way to Exchange 6, the first big meet up. Unfortunately, the weather was cold and wet, which made partying at major exchanges less than appealing and meant as much car time as possible the majority of the race. At Exchange 6 though, there was a little restaurant that let us sit inside while we waited for Van 1. They had thousands of dollar bills on the ceiling and so we left our mark.

Waiting at Exchange 6!

Finally, it was Van 2's turn to run! Van 1 did great, with the exception of a minor mix up about which exchange was which resulting in a half hour delay. Now it was their turn to rest!

Our first rotation went well. Everyone was excited and happy to finally be running. My first leg (Exchange 8) is the one I had been most worried about. It was 6.8 miles and was ranked "very hard" due to the first 3 miles being entirely uphill and the last 4 being entirely downhill. Yes, the uphill was challenging, but I ran the whole thing and flew down the second half! At least I think I did, as my GPS watch didn't work for this leg. But I felt great!

During each other's runs, the van would leap frog the runner so you got to see your van and teammates every couple of miles and they checked in to make sure you were doing ok. This helped with motivation a lot, knowing your team was ahead waiting for you.

I think around 730/8pm, van 2 finished their 1st rotation. This put us at Exchange 12 handing off to Van 1 again. At this point, it was now dark, cold, and rainy. Ideal conditions! Exchange 12 was at a high school, where there were promised hot (actually cold) showers, a spaghetti dinner, and indoor sleeping available in the gym. Any type of dry space bigger than the van we had been in for 12 hours sounded incredible. We loaded some of our stuff into the high school to dry off and rest, then I went outside and waited for the handoff between Runner 12 (Josh) and Runner 1 (Korina). Here, I found out Korina was battling an ankle injury and unsure if she would be able to finish. Also, the Sequoia wouldn't start, and they needed to get moving to pick Korina up after she finished Leg 13! Major panic set in for me as I thought of all the possible and impractical solutions we may have to attempt. A huge blessing occurred when a kind van with jumper cables got the Sequoia to start and they were off again.






Van 2 ate a mediocre, warm, but still delicious plate of spaghetti, and hunkered down to try and sleep. I got probably a good hour of sleep on that hard gym floor. I wish we had brought more blankets/sleeping bags because we were cold sharing, but we managed with what we had.

At 11pm, I woke in a panic with 2 important texts- 1 saying Leg 23, Katrina's next leg, was cancelled due to flooding. The second saying Van 1 was making better time than anticipated, which meant we had to get moving to meet them at Exchange 18 at a creamery. Van 2 was great at getting it together and getting moving, and we made it with plenty of time to meet them. As we got ready to start our 2nd rotation, Van 1 got ready to eat burgers and take a nap. Needless to say, at midnight in the cold, dark, rain, Van 2 got a little jealous!






My second leg, which was Exchange 20, was 6.9 miles "hard." I knew it had some hills, but it definitely had steeper hills than I anticipated. I walked up one steep hill, but did run the rest. The first mile felt great, but by mile 2, the novelty of running at night in the rain had worn off and I was ready to be done. Luckily, getting done can sometimes be motivation enough to finish! Seen on this leg was a GIANT chicken statue, and apparently a pumpkin tree that I didn't see but my van did. I finished with a 9:41 min/mile. Everyone was such a trooper in the middle of night. It was so cold and wet, but no one in my van complained once (out loud anyway) and they even said it added to the fun and adventure. Where did I find such crazy friends to do this with me?!


Because Exchange 23 was cancelled, and Korina was hurt, Katrina ended up running Korina's last leg, which worked out perfectly. This had us finishing Leg 25 about 6:30am. At this point, we were exhausted from no sleep, two runs, and being out in the rain all night. Plus the vehicle was a disorganized mess from everyone throwing their stuff around all night. The great news is that Van 1 had the brilliant idea to get a hotel around Exchange 24, so they rested there while we ran, and then it was our turn to rest while they ran.

Let me tell you, a hotel room has never looked so good. It had 2 beds and a pull-out sofa, a fireplace, and 2 showers. We buckled down and showered and got settled for some sleep pretty fast. After another hour of beautiful sleep, I woke up in another panic to another text with an update from Van 1 about their imminent finish with Exchange 30. So at 9am, we headed out for our last meet up before the finish!

Time was so strange. It felt like we had been doing this Ragnar race for months, even though it had only been 24 hours. It felt like the people in our van were the only people that existed and everyone back home was a distant memory. That race became your life for the hours you were in it, because it took all of your mental and physical energy to focus on what you had to do.

Food was also so difficult because you were forcing yourself to eat in the middle of the night because your body needed fuel, but nothing tasted good. Plus, in the rain, it was difficult to access the food we brought since you didn't want to stand out in the rain to get anything.

Waiting for our last rotation at Exchange 30

My last leg, Leg 32, was 6.9 miles "moderate." Again, much more difficult than anticipated. The first 4 miles were flat, on a trail, and halfway through I had a water station with a Snickers bar. This part was great... and then the last 3 miles or so were in a neighborhood with major hills! After running two other legs with big hills, my shins were on fire. I had to walk up 1 hill and down 1 hill. I finished at a 10:04 min/mile, and was never so happy to finish running (other than my marathon). When I finished, I couldn't stop laughing. I blame it on the lack of sleep and physical exhaustion, but I couldn't stop laughing at the thought that I had survived! I did a Ragnar!

Just a little excited to be at my LAST MILE

After me, we only had 4 more runners until we were done altogether! It seemed like everyone in my van thought their last leg was harder than anticipated, but that seems normal given what we had been through. Everyone still crushed it. I was smart and put together a team of people faster than me!

After exchanging Josh for Karina (runner 12 for 11), we made our way to the finish. We stopped and got some hot food on the walk to Yards Park. I had broccoli cheddar soup, Sun Chips, and a Pepsi. I think my stomach shrunk, because I could only eat and drink half of everything, but it was so good! I felt guilty for eating such deliciousness while Josh was still out suffering, but my body was saying "it's ok, you deserve it!"

We had two incredible friends come down to the finish, Jessica and Heather, with their kiddos. They stood out in the cold to celebrate and cheer us on. Also incredible were our volunteers, a friend I work with and her family, who stood out in the rain from midnight to 5am to direct runners and cars. These people are amazing!!

When we saw Josh coming in close to the finish, we made a tunnel for him to run through and started running, trying to keep up with his finishing race pace with our sore, tired, cold legs. As we crossed that finish line, I was overcome with feelings of joy, completeness, pride, accomplishment, and gratitude. Finishing meant so much more than just running 200 miles. For me, it represented the journey Josh and I have been on this past year-and we made it. We came out stronger, although sore and beat up, and we came out together, with so many friends around us. In the time since we finished the race, it has felt like I really will be ok. And lately, it has not been feeling like that. But this proved to me that I can do hard and seemingly impossible things. I can keep going when it gets tough. And there is so much more strength available than I am capable of by myself. I couldn't have done the race by myself, and I couldn't have survived this year by myself. We hugged, we got our medals, we ate pizza, and stocked up on Ragnar gear. No one wanted to sit around too long, so we sorted out vans and who was going where, and headed home!

I knew it was Sloane's birthday and the day we held her and loved her, but that was not what was on my mind. I thought of her and I ran for her, but I was not overcome with feelings of sadness or flashbacks. Which is HUGE on such a potentially rough day.

Overall, it was a huge success. Everyone had such a positive attitude and meshed so well, considering most of them did not know each other! Plus they were incredible runners and toughed out a Ragnar in a storm. I have so much love for everyone on this team because only they know what we survived together this weekend! We ended up finishing 35th out of 202 teams in our mixed open division. We finished 200ish miles in 29 hours, 33 minutes, at an average pace of 8:52 min/mile. Not bad for a group of first timers!

Things to think about for next time...

• Food. I would put one person in charge of food and supplies for each vehicle, because then they know what there is and where it is. I think we had a lot of food that didn't get eaten because I packed it all, so the van I wasn't in didn't know what they were digging for in the cold dark. 
• Spirit. I would put one person in charge of spirit stuff, whether that be car decorating, costumes, team magnets, etc. 
• Organization. I think it would help for each person to have one big bag that they can keep the bulk of their stuff in, and one small bag that they can keep with them in the car. This can hold their next running outfit and/or their next non-running outfit. 
• More blankets and warmer clothes! (hopefully that only applies to this race)
• I spent unnecessary money printing out all of the leg maps and race bible, which we didn't use because the Ragnar App was great. 
• Take off more time from work (if only!)
• Stay in a hotel after the race.

9 months

As we head into my favorite holiday weekend (fireworks! hot dogs! ice cream! America!), there is an important day that will come first. Tomorrow will be 9 months since saying goodbye to our little Sloane. While each month has seemed important for various reasons, 9 months is significant, for after this, she will be apart from me longer than she was with me. This feels terrible, because it feels like she is becoming more distant. But in some ways there is freedom and peace the farther out we get, as I know she is still with me and I feel stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have felt the burden of grief lifted at times. 9 months is a momentous marker in time, for good and for bad.

I have been in MS for about 2 weeks now, and while it is the 3rd summer we have been here, this summer has posed some unique challenges. Sloane is always on my mind, and I always want to talk about her and share her, but I do not always trust strangers or even acquaintances with this special and sacred piece of my life. The question becomes, how do I honor her while still protecting my heart? I don't have the answer to this yet. Typically, if people ask, I have no problem saying I have a daughter who died. The following awkward and uncomfortable conversation that follows is something I have become accustomed to. The problem comes when people don't ask. Because truthfully, looking at Josh and I, you would make the assumption that we don't have kids, so how would this even come up? But that aspect of our lives has played such a critical role in who I am, in everything I do, that it feels wrong to not share that part of my life.  The difficulties of losing Sloane change and transform in their shape and magnitude, but I do not think they will ever go away. It will always be hard.

Something I have been focusing on lately that is motivating for me is training for the Ragnar race in October. It feels so good to be getting stronger physically, and as I have been increasing my mileage, I have also been reminded of the mental effort required in running. Mentally, I feel like nothing can beat me now. Running up a long, steep hill when it is hot and humid--yes, it sucks, but it doesn't compare to losing your baby. I know now that I can do hard, even impossible, things.

I get by with a little help from my friends

This has been the theme of my week.

I am quickly approaching my first year completed as a school psychologist! Hallelujah. As I was talking about this to our guidance counselor intern this week, I made the comment that I've only made it at work this year with a little help from my friends. She helped with one of my social skills groups, and so she was one of these friends. I said this in a lighthearted manner,  but after thinking about it, I realized the depth behind the catchy song. There is honestly no way I would have survived my first year without the help of so many people! There are so many questions that come up in your first year that you really can't prepare for, and you need solid people to turn to. I am a big fan of the team approach to problem solving because, 1. All of the pressure isn't just on me, and 2. You get the best ideas by taking several people's experiences and backgrounds into account when looking at a difficult situation. 

This also got me thinking about my personal life, and how I also would not have survived this year without my friends. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have some amazing, incredible women who for some reason have picked me to be their friend and watch out for me and counsel me and listen and check in and feel the feelings with me. They are truly there. After the honeymoon stage of marriage where I wasn't too interested in having close girlfriends, and grad school where I had incredible women in my life but our lives revolved around school, I am at a point where I can have and want close friends. And it's awesome! 

In school, I remember learning about the importance of social support and a strong support system. This seems obvious, but having people who have this social support deal better with challenges. I've mentioned this before, but we have felt this support so much at various times this year. I've just felt truly loved, and that feeling is priceless.  We really do get by with a little help from our friends. 

This has all led me to plan our next big adventure: the 2015 Ragnar going from Cumberland, MD to Washington, D.C. on Sloane's birthday. 

The timing is incredible, and I can't think of a better way to remember her while still making personal growth than doing a big relay with 11 friends! I am so incredibly excited. It gives me a goal and something to plan and think about other than my reproductive life, which is a break I need so badly. I have a ways to go in training, but I can't wait to get started! 

Running Away

In support group, someone made a comment about how it doesn't matter where you go or what you do, nothing changes the fact that your child is gone and you miss them and it hurts. It doesn't matter if you stay home for the holidays or visit family or go somewhere new and exotic. They are all relatively crappy because your baby isn't there with you.

I've started running again and I have thought about this as I have run. Running is therapeutic for me. It helps me feel more like me, and I know myself and I know my body when I run. It is something I have some control over and it feels so good right now to have control over something. I know for some women after losing a baby, it is hard to see their body change back to its normal size, and that was so true for me at first, but I love being able to feel physically strong again and stand in amazement every day at what my body is capable of. There is something about seeing my body look normal and strong while my spirit feels broken that I enjoy. 

Alas, I digress. I am so happy to be running again. It is so good for me. But I know that however far I can run, I can never run away from this. There is no hiding or escaping. And sometimes I just wish I could go back to the innocence I enjoyed before Sloane. But because I can't, I will keep running and try to find myself and peace in that.

Runner's World 10k and Festival

Josh and I ran in the Runner's World 10k yesterday and went to the accompanying "festival afterwards." It was so amazing! I had my doubts since we don't normally do 10k's and it was 1.5 hours away, but it was so worth the time and the money. It was held at the Steel Stacks in Bethlehem, PA. We got there just in time to park, pick up our packets, check our gear, and get to the finish line.

The course was pretty hilly, but there were so many people running it that it went fast and was fun. Josh finished in 44:38 with a 7:11 pace (he's such a speedster!) and I finished in 54:10 with an 8:43 pace, which I was very pleased with considering I've only been running 1-2 times a week, no more than 4 miles at a time, for the past month. The weather was beautiful, the leaves were changing up there, and it was fun to run through a new city.

See the flame archway in the back? Pretty cool!

As soon as I crossed the finish line, Josh said, "Sarah, Jenae is right up there!"One of the reasons I had been so excited about this race was that I knew my favorite running blogger (Hungry Runner Girl) would be at the event and I was hoping to meet her. I got over my feelings of awkwardness and went up and met her! She was super nice and we took a picture together that she put on her blog! And she invited us to stay with her if we ever go back to Utah! Basically best friends now :)

After the race, we picked up our T-shirts and wandered around the expo for about an hour. The rest of the day, they offered different seminars about running.

The first one we went to was on nutrition and was by John Graham (Director of Sports & Human Performance, St. Luke's University Health Network) and Pamela Nisevich Bede (Sports Nutritionist and Runner's World Columnist-also a 16 time marathoner and Ironman!!)

Take away points:

• what you eat is important: it's not just the night before the race that counts, but the few days leading up to the race, as well. This goes for training runs also!
• If Gu's make you cramp up, you probably need to chase them with more water to help them break down in your stomach. One suggestion was pretzels.
• Don't eat too much fiber the day before/morning of a race.

The next seminar I went to was for Women's Running, and how running as a woman is different than running as a man. This was by Summer Sanders (two-time Olympic gold medalist in swimming, TV personality, and mother of two), Dr. Laura Dunne (Sports Medicine Physician and mother of three), and Jennifer Van Allen (Runner's World Special Projects Editor and author, and Ultramarathoner!). I liked this one a lot more than the first one. 

Take away points:

• Don't let someone else's definition of success become your definition of success. What is great for you might be mediocre for someone else, and vice versa. 
• Don't judge your current performance to past performances, because you are at a different stage of life than ever before. Stay focused on the future and what you can keep doing to improve. 
• Focus on why you run; i.e., I want to run for a long time, so I need to focus more on taking care of my body for the long-term (strength training and core exercises more)
• They recommended doing single leg dead lifts, planks, and bridges to strengthen your glutes and core
• Jennifer Van Allen started a running streak 142 days ago, where she has run at least 1 mile every day since she started. This has meant that sometimes she will only run 1 mile at a 15/16 minute pace in order to recover from longer runs. I like this because the focus is on getting out and running rather than how fast you are going. 
• Running helps with your mental health.

While I was in the women's class, Josh went to one on running longer and faster. This was by Budd Coates (Rodale Senior Director of Health and Fitness and four-time Olympic Marathon Trials qualifier) and Jonathan Beverly (Editor-in-Chief, Running Times). 

Main message: 

• Go slow! Do slow long runs and do speedwork, and gradually these will come together, but don't try and go your race pace on every run.

One of the things I liked most about the event was being around people who love being active and running, as well as being around so many people who are AMAZING--like Olympians and Ironmans Ultramarathoners. If they can be so awesome, I can be just a little bit awesome. 

Overall, it was a great event and a really fun day! 

New 1/2 Marathon PR!

Yesterday was a great day. I ran in the Mad Anthony Half Marathon and set a new PR!

Had you asked me 48 hours ago if I thought this was going to happen, I would have set no, due to several unexpected circumstances leading up to the race.

1. I wasn't planning on running this race. I was originally planning on running a race last Saturday, but due to my procrastination, registration filled up before I registered. Because of this, I had to extend my training plan a week.
2. I only ran once the week before the race, due to circumstances beyond my control.
3. I pretty much ate crap all week (i.e. pizza several times throughout the week and Mexican food the night before).

Despite all of this (or maybe because of it...pizza might just be my best fuel food!), I had my best race ever! The weather was absolutely perfect, the course was beautiful and not too hilly or too flat, and my legs were very rested. My time was 1:56:50.  I didn't bonk at all and the miles flew by!

Happy as a clam the whole time!

Perfect weather!

The things that made this race so much better than the last one were the weather and my training schedule. When it was so hot at the race in June, I felt like I needed to drink so much water, which just made me cramp because I am not used to drinking that much during a run. For the race in June, I ran 12 miles the week before the race, leaving my legs pretty tired. This time, I just ran 8 miles last week on my long run and rested the 4 days before the race this week, leaving me feeling ready to run.



The biggest thing I learned though, was how important it is to get up and try again! During the race in June, I thought I would never run again, I was so miserable. There were even times while continuing my training for this one that I wanted to quit because I was getting bored and it just wasn't fun anymore. But I kept going because I didn't want my training to be for nothing and I knew that it was important to have a good race to help get rid of the memory of the bad one. And it paid off! It was so fun and I'm so glad I stayed with it. Now it's time for a break...:)

Looking back at all of the races I have done (I just added a box on the side to help me keep track of them) has helped me realize that I am getting faster! While it may only be a few minutes at a time, there has been improvement. It's also cool to realize that I have done races in 6 different states (excluding 5k's and 10k's). It will be fun to see how many states I will hit by the time I am done with my racing career!

Now I Know Why My Husband Calls Me Crazy

On Saturday, I ran in the Jalepeno Half Marathon in Ft. Worth, TX.
Now, I had been to Texas before, and I even went running there on one visit. But I am living in Mississippi for the summer and train in a very hilly national military park for every run, so I thought, "13.1 miles in Texas in the middle of the summer will be FINE!"

I was mistaken.

I had high hopes for this race: I was training at an 8:30/9:00 minute pace, so this was my goal for the race. I had been doing speed work one day/week and had seen improvements in my pace and times. I had been running in MS for a few weeks and had been out some very humid days (as well as in DE). I thought I would be FINE!

Again, I was mistaken.

The first 5 miles started out great, I was trying not to push myself too much and averaged about an 8:30 pace. I felt good, I was passing people, the course was very flat, and I thought "Yea, I got this."

^^All smiles and thumbs up between miles 3 and 4^^

I had a Gu at mile 4, followed by an excruciating side cramp at mile 5. I get cramps like this sometimes that aren't normal cramps that you can just run through and they go away. They are bent-over-in-pain-I-think-I'm-going-to-die cramps. I don't get them all the time, but of course on raceday, I did. The cramp bothered me for the next 3ish miles, and at this point, the sun was beating down and I was only about halfway done with the race. I fought the cramp and the heat the rest of the way to the finish line, stopping to walk more than I ever thought I would and more than my pride will allow me to admit, but I finished!

Please enjoy the following procession of pictures, in which my face tells quite a story (also note the jubilation on the runner's faces behind me, in contrast with my own face):

My goal started at finishing at 1:45, then after the cramp hit, it changed to 2:00, then after the heat got unbearable, it changed to just surviving and finishing. Needless to say, it was definitely not my best race or run, but I am grateful that I finished, didn't pass out, and didn't get injured. This just means the next race has to be that much better, right??

Results: 

Overall 304/867

Age Division 29/78 

10:51 pace; 2:22:13 time

Weather:

8am: 81 degrees, 62% humidity

9am: 84 degrees, 56% humidity

10am: 88 degrees, 53% humidity

After the race, Josh and I went to downtown Dallas with our friends and their kids that we were visiting. We rode in an old trolley, went to a park/splashpad that was built above a freeway, ate from a food truck, and had gelato. Despite the disappointment, frustration, pain, and heat of the race, it was a fabulously fun weekend!