38 Weeks with Baby L!

We tried to take regular photos during the pregnancy with Baby L to capture every moment we had with him. After losing Sloane, we didn't want to miss anything.

Physically, the pregnancy was great, although I seemed to experience a lot more of the stereotypical pregnancy symptoms than I did with Sloane. I had strange cravings (pickles and chocolate for dinner, anyone??), was forgetful, and more emotional. For most of the pregnancy however, I really enjoyed being pregnant. Like everyone, I got to the point where I was tired of wearing the same 4 outfits over and over, tired of sleeping on my side, and tired of feeling so large, but I really did try to appreciate being pregnant. The process of creating and carrying a new little person is incredible to me and I love seeing how my body changes to accommodate this new little person.

Emotionally, this pregnancy was tough, not surprisingly. It took me a long time to even accept that I was pregnant again and I felt pretty disconnected for awhile. Every ultrasound was scary until I could feel him move regularly. There were so so many times I convinced myself he was dead. I think this was a self-preservation coping mechanism, because if I convinced myself he was dead, and he really was, then it wouldn't be a surprise. But if I convinced myself he was dead, and he was alive, then I could just be relieved.

So here is my pregnancy journey with our little guy!

Birth Story Baby LeMonte #2

He is here! Our sweet baby boy's much anticipated arrival has come and he is now sleeping peacefully (for the time being) next to me. It is surreal that he is here and he is ok. Before too much time goes by, however, I want to record his birth story.

Baby boy had been head down in all of our weekly appointments until March 18 at 36 weeks. We had our appointment with my midwife and we made a plan to be induced at 37 weeks 3 days and I was for once starting to feel optimistic and hopeful that he would make it safely to us. Immediately after this appointment, we had our biophysical profile, where the ultrasound tech informed us that he was transverse with his head by my upper right ribs. We went back to my midwife to relay the information. This would obviously change the plan to be induced. If he continued to be transverse, we could schedule a version to manually flip him head down, followed by immediate induction. Or, we could opt for a C-section, but this would have to wait until 39 weeks. Neither option was ideal, so we left feeling discouraged. On top of the disappointment in change of birth plans was the added worry that he was flipping around, which made me think he could be getting tangled up in his umbilical cord.

We made it another week in anxious anticipation until our next appointment with my midwife. We looked at the ultrasound and he was head down again! We thanked God for answered prayers and continued forward with the plan to be induced just a few days following the appointment. At the biophysical profile the next morning, he continued to be head down. Emotions continued to be raw however, evidenced by my meltdown when the ultrasound tech wouldn't check to make sure his cord wasn't tangled. I went to the car and broke down in tears, while Josh went back in and got mad at her for being a jerk. But, we were happy and had to focus on the facts that he was healthy and we would hopefully get to meet him in a few days.

After knowing that the plan for induction was in place for just a few days' time, we spent the weekend hurriedly doing many of the things we had put off for so long. Deep cleaning, putting the stroller together, putting the mamaroo together, putting the car seat in the car, buying diapers and wipes, etc. It was exhausting and exciting and terrifying!

Tuesday, induction day, came and it was weird. We packed our bags and it felt like we were going to check into a hotel. I did surprisingly well with my anxiety level, I think because it was a very different situation than with Sloane. I wasn't in labor, it was at night, and we didn't have to go to triage. We went up to labor and delivery and were promptly greeted by our favorite nurse who helped deliver Sloane. After about 1.5 hours, the doctor came to check baby boy's position before giving me a foley bulb catheter to dilate me. This is where the journey began: he was no longer head down!!! So rather than starting the induction, we got to stay an extra night in the hospital and wait until my doctor came in the morning to make a new plan.

In the morning, the doctor from my practice came to check on him. He had moved again from the night before, but still wasn't head down. She put two fingers on my belly and gave a gentle but firm nudge and he was head down! It was crazy. To help keep him in place, they put a belly binder on me. Then we started the foley bulb. This was all incredibly uncomfortable. The nurses told us the foley bulb typically takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 4-5 hours to dilate you to 3 cm. It took 8 hours for me. It was a long day of waiting and we knew this was only the first step. I finally got to 3 cm around 5pm and they started giving me pitocin right away. They increased the pitocin every half hour until I was up to the highest amount that night. They kept it going all night, and when they checked me in the morning, I was still 3 cm.

So now it was Thursday morning. I had thought maybe we would have a baby by now, but we still had so far to go! They broke my water hoping that this would be the jump start my body would need. Everyone kept saying, "your body will remember what to do" and reassuring me that the next procedure would be the reminder my body needed to start labor. But breaking my water didn't do anything. Everyone commented on the large amount of amniotic fluid I had, which likely contributed to how easily he moved around. An hour after they broke my water, they re-started the pitocin. By the end of Thursday, I was again getting the highest level of pitocin, my water had been broken, and I was still only at 3 cm. It had been another long day of waiting without much action. I had some contractions, but they were irregular and not very strong. They decided to take me off the pitocin until midnight to try and "clear the receptors." I had a minor panic about this because it felt like so long to stop and re-start the pitocin and it felt like nothing was ever going to happen at this rate. But this allowed me to eat dinner which was desperately needed.

At midnight on Thursday night/Friday morning, they started the pitocin again. Around 2am, I started having contractions, this time stronger and more regular. This really felt like it could be it! We called my doula and she got in around 5am. I labored from about 3am-8am, when they checked me again, and I was still only at 3 cm! We remained hopeful that the contractions would start to do their job however, and kept going. Until the contractions started getting weaker and less frequent...at which point I asked when we would need to consider a C-section. All of the doctors and midwives from my practice were utterly perplexed at my situation. I had come in being a great candidate for the induction having previously had a successful vaginal delivery, and no one could explain why nothing was helping my body progress.

While  C-section was obviously not my first choice, nothing was happening otherwise. Josh and I started to worry about my water being broken and baby getting infections. It was pretty much a unanimous decision between us, my doula, and the medical team that a C-section was the best route at this point. Within about an hour of making this decision, I was in the OR! I got really emotional before going in, not because I had to have a C-section, but because the end of my PAL was about to be over and the beginning of a whole new journey was about to begin. Even though everything had always come back normal and healthy for baby, I still felt like when he came out, we would find something was wrong with him. So while I was excited to be able to meet him soon, I was so worried that we would meet him and my fears would come to pass.

The C-section was weird. It was all pretty much fine, it's just a strange experience to be able to feel something happening to you, but not feel what it is. It felt like an eternity before I heard baby cry, but when I did, it was the best sound in the world! Josh helped clean him and cut the cord and I just looked at them and cried. He was ok! He didn't have to be whisked away from us! They brought him over to my face and then before we left, he laid on my chest while we went to the recovery. I immediately thought that Lewis was the right name for him, which was a relief because we didn't really have any back-ups.

In recovery, he started trying to nurse right away. This was another relief because I was also hugely worried that being a few weeks early, he might not get this. It was stressful because everyone kept trying to tell me how to feed him, and I was so out of it and he was so tiny, but I was so happy. Two doctors from the NICU came and told us that he was breathing too fast and they wanted to take him to the NICU observation area to monitor him for a few hours. This was not ideal, but I was happy they were keeping a close on him to make sure he was ok, because I was so worried something was wrong. Josh went with Lewis to the NICU observation and then returned to me to go to our room in the general maternity area.

Lewis ended up being admitted to the NICU because he was still breathing fast after his few hours of observation. They did a chest X-ray and blood tests, which showed fluid in his lungs and low levels of white blood cells. Both of these could either be normal results of a C-section, or they could mean he had an infection. Still, I was relieved he was being monitored and felt ok with all of this. He stayed in the NICU Friday night, Saturday, and Saturday night. He showed progress Saturday and came off the IV, so I was able to nurse him. This was exhausting, because Josh had to wheel me down to the floor below whenever they called, but it was also amazing because I felt like my baby needed me and I was helping him and I loved being able to see him and hold him. They did an updated X-ray, which showed clear lungs, and the blood work showed higher levels of white blood cells. All of this meant he was released to our room Sunday morning!

Josh's parents and my mom came to visit him in the hospital on Sunday. On Saturday, our friends Heather and Jessica came to visit, although they couldn't see him because he was in the NICU still.

It was pretty exhausting in the hospital because I couldn't move a lot, but again, we were so happy.

We got released to come home Monday. I was relieved that despite his NICU stay, he got to come with us because I didn't think I could leave the hospital again without my baby. But he got to come with us and it was awesome.

I'll do another post on the first few weeksof life, because that has been another journey. But we are so happy he is here and he is healthy! Although we tried our best to avoid having him born on April Fools' day, he already showed we are the fools by thinking we could plan that. It was a long and hard journey, but it was all worth it :)

The Importance of Self-Care

Being a psychology major and now a school psychologist, I am naturally drawn to ideas of mental and emotional health. Deep breathing, imagery, muscle relaxation...these are all things that I am familiar with and may recommend to students. But it is something entirely different to help take care of other people emotionally and to take care of yourself emotionally.

This lesson hit hard this morning, when I find myself at work, bawling.

There have been some hard things lately. I have spent a month trying to get the right prescription for my contacts, and not being able to see clearly in the process. This affects my eyes. I woke up with an insane ear ache last weekend, and have since tried several remedies--earache drops, warm compresses, cool compresses, ear wax drops, flushing my ear with water, Tylenol. While I did get a nice chunk of ear wax out, I still haven't been able to hear in my right ear since the weekend. Clearly, this affects my ears. Then this morning, I woke up with a cold, thus affecting my nose and ability to breathe and smell. When three of your five senses are compromised, it really affects your ability to function as a human. On top of these somewhat common physical ailments that have beset me, I am 7.5 months pregnant. Most of me loves being pregnant, especially at this stage-there is nothing better than feeling your baby kick and squirm inside of you. But to be honest, pregnancy comes with it's own set of struggles, even when you enjoy it. You don't fit into most clothes and feeling beautiful can be challenging. You don't move as easily as you want or are used to. And you just don't have the energy you would like to, because you are growing a tiny human!! Then there is also the emotional aspect of this pregnancy. I have understandably been more anxious with this pregnancy. Each day we get closer to meeting him, but also closer to potentially losing him. That thought is never far from my mind and my heart, and it is exhausting. I also like to think that the hormones have been a touch on the extreme side this time around, but it also may just all be grief.

You are getting the picture- Physically and emotionally, I was exhausted, and unfortunately, this all came out this morning when I got to work :) Luckily, I work with incredibly empathetic and kind people who convinced me I needed to go home (it might've just been that they were embarrassed for my red, splotchy, post-crying face, but we'll assume it was empathy).

Before I left, one of my coworkers reminded me that I need to remember to breathe, and be mindful of the things I am feeling. This really hit me as truth, because I know I have not been as mindful as I should have been. I have let myself feel overwhelmed with life and dealt with it by going through the motions-wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV, maybe exercise if I'm feeling ambitious, go to sleep, repeat. That is not the recipe for happiness.

My extreme reaction to waking up with cold symptoms is a manifestation that I have not been dealing with my emotions healthily lately. So after I went to the doctor and got recommendations for my ear, I came home, took a hot shower, did yoga, drank tea, went for a walk, and took a nap. Most of these things I can do every day (except the nap...), but it is usually easier to lay on the couch and numb your mind than do something proactive that awakens your mind! The downside is when you pay for it with large, embarrassing emotional breakdowns in front of your coworkers :)

The lesson learned is that while being an adult is crazy challenging, I can help myself by being more proactive in my self-care measures. I know doing yoga and going for walks and writing and taking a break from media helps me feel peace. Now I just need to follow through with these things!

Baby L #2: 28 Weeks

The 3rd trimester has hit hard! In the past week, the heartburn has started, I don't fit into any normal clothes anymore, and the fatigue has kicked in! Let the countdown begin :)

People often ask a pregnant woman how she is feeling. This is considerate, although awkward. I have decided to be truthful most of the time and answer this question honestly. There are two aspects to take into account when answering this question: how am I doing physically, and how am I doing emotionally. Lucky for most people who ask me this question, I don't go into quite this level of detail with them.

28 weeks!

Physically: Like any typical second pregnancy, I feel quite large quite sooner than before. Most days, when I get home from work, I want nothing more than to lay on the couch and watch TV. Cooking doesn't really happen much anymore unless Josh cooks-but let's be honest, that's always been the case! It takes a lot for me to do anything during the week other than get dressed and go to work. I do tend to be more productive at home on the weekends...mixed in with lots of time relaxing. I'm just so big and awkward! But I know I will get so much bigger, so I try and keep that in mind. Baby's movements have also started to get big and very noticeable in the past week or two. It's very exciting and is also why I just want to lay on the couch, so I can watch and feel him dance!

Emotionally: This pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster. It started out tough because it took a long time for me to accept that I was pregnant. Then it was difficult because I couldn't feel the baby move and would often convince myself it was dead. Then I started to feel him move, but it wasn't consistent, so anytime I didn't feel him, I would convince myself he was dead. Now that he is moving a lot more regularly and with bigger movements, I don't worry as much that he is dead, but the current struggle has been preparing for him to come. I have the urge and desire to prepare his room, buy him clothes, buy diapers, etc., but it is just so hard to actually do it. I haven't successfully done any of those things without large and ugly breakdowns first, and even then it has taken quite some time to take any steps towards preparation.

I started working on the nursery over winter break, because I had a few days of extra time. I mostly just sat in there and cried for a long time, followed by moving the furniture around a little. I cried over my little girl who never got to use it, and cried over the uncertainty of the future. I cried over the time I spent preparing it for Sloane, and the time I was about to spend preparing it for a little boy who may never use it. I usually love designing rooms, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head around anything for this room. Part of it is because I want something new and different, but at the same time I don't want to spend money on anything new or different when what we have is perfectly fine.

To do: navy curtains, wicker baskets on shelf, hang art and leaves

After rearranging the room, I went through Sloane's clothes and other belongings. At first, I was surprised at how much we had that would work for a boy. But I went through it again this past weekend and was amazed and how much we don't have! I made a cart of baby clothes, and this time actually bought them! This was a big move. I still have a cart on Amazon that I can't bring myself to buy, but if/when we get closer, the 'zon will get it here in two days.

This Friday, we have our first weekly biophysical profile. They will check baby's movements, breathing, muscle tone, heart rate, and amniotic fluid. The perinatologist said that after a regular/normal BPP, the chance of stillbirth goes down to 1/1000 for the following week. Then I have my normal check-ups with my midwife every 2 weeks until 35ish weeks. Then I will get induced at 37-38 weeks! Which is only 9 weeks away. Which is really really very close.

I remember feeling similarly as I do now when I was pregnant with Sloane-like I am on the brink of a major change in my life, but it is so major that I have no idea what it will be like. I am stuck in between my regular life and my new life, but don't really feel like I am part of either one. The difference with this pregnancy is that I don't assume my new life will be with a baby. I know that it might be, or it might be mourning the loss of him. I just cannot wrap my head around bringing him home.

As we have gotten closer to labor and delivery, I have also started to have more flashbacks to L&D with Sloane, which is really tough. I need to remember that it should be a very different experience since I won't be laboring at home at all and will get induced.

This whole pregnancy after loss thing has surely not been easy. But we have made it to 28 weeks! That alone is plenty to be grateful for and farther than many women ever make it. I don't take that for granted, and in the midst of the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty, I am trying to appreciate every kick and every stage of this baby boy's life so far. Here's to hoping for another healthy 9 weeks!

Baby L #2: 20 weeks

We find out the sex of baby L #2 tomorrow!

So many people have been so excited for this appointment tomorrow. Excited to the point that they remember when the appointment is weeks or days after I tell them. Maybe these are all just exceptionally thoughtful people, but I do not remember when my own appointments if they aren't in my calendar, let alone someone else's appointments. People are good.

Having other people be excited about finding out the sex, and being excited in general for this baby, is slowly starting to creep into my own emotions. It has been really hard for me to start to accept that this pregnancy may have a different outcome than my pregnancy with Sloane, and I definitely have not totally accepted that yet. But the more people that are purely excited, the more I start to think that there must be something to their excitement. If so many people can think that I will walk away from this with a healthy baby, then maybe, just maybe, I actually will. If so many people can assume that pregnancy leads to a living baby, then maybe it will for me, just once. While I know better than most that a healthy pregnancy does not always lead to a healthy baby, maybe I can be one of the majority this time around.

I'm not sold yet, but I'm entertaining the thought.

I can't say I am necessarily excited to find out the sex tomorrow. I honestly do not care if it is a boy or girl-either outcome would be accompanied by its own set of feelings. But I am excited to see this babe wiggle and squirm again, and find out if everything is developing ok. That's what gets me excited these days, being reassured that everything looks healthy and normal. And finding out how much monitoring I will have as the pregnancy progresses. No doctor can tell me either of those things enough. So hopefully tomorrow will be a good day!

Baby L #2: 14 Weeks

Written October 16, 2015 and saved until now...

August 15, 2015. 

I think this picture does a pretty good job of capturing the moment. At a hotel in Franklin, TN, I took a pregnancy test. Not the first, but hopefully the last for some time. As I sat waiting for the result, my mind raced with a million thoughts. If it was negative again, I would be so disappointed. But if it was positive, would I really be able to cope with the anxiety that would follow? Was I ready to start this journey again? When I saw that positive result, I felt immediate relief, followed by panic. What a relief to be done with the TTC journey, and what panic to be starting the PAL journey. I showed the test to Josh, who responded with pure excitement, and then I started crying. It was a beautiful, exciting, and nerve-wracking moment.

Since then, I have had 3 doctor's appointments with my midwife which have included 2 ultrasounds, and then 1 ultrasound for the 1st trimester screen. Everything has looked great. At each appointment, hearing the heartbeat has provided immediate, albeit short-lived, relief. Within a few days, I go back to wondering and assuming if this baby has died without me knowing it. I tend to err on the assumption that this is the case, because there is not much anyone could do at this point in the pregnancy even if something went wrong. That may seem fatalistic, but it definitely seems easier to assume the worst and then be pleasantly surprised than to assume everything is fine and have your world crash down. I've done the second path, so I figure I will try the first path this time.

Most of the time, it is easy to forget that I am pregnant. I am just starting to show, I feel fine, it is too early to feel the baby move, and not many people know. This is my typical means of coping, to forget momentarily. Because of this, the struggle has been how to bond and make memories with this pregnancy while still protecting my heart that the worst may happen. I don't think there is an answer to this question. I think it will be a daily struggle until this baby comes out.

There are glimpses of hope though. A friend gave us a present for this baby this week, and my Human Resources person talked about next summer when I will be home with my baby. I let myself look at baby clothes online once, and even ordered some maternity clothes. It seems foreign and strange when other people talk so surely of my future with this child-we still have a long 25 weeks to go and a lot can go wrong in that time. But it is also a nice reminder that maybe things will work out. Things have to work out how you want them to at some point, right?

Telling people I am pregnant has gotten easier. At first, it felt strange to hear their excitement. For while I feel excited, it is definitely not the only emotion I feel. It is getting easier to hear excitement though. I am remembering that this is how most people react to the news of a pregnancy, not with fear and trepidation.

We are doing ok. We will keep hanging on from one appointment to the next.

Summertime is Here

After longing for months for summer to be here, it has arrived! It is June. With the changing season, I have found myself in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Walking at the beach

I went to therapy for a couple of months, for which I attribute some of this health to. I also attribute some of it to the longer days, the sunshine, and the smaller workload that comes with the new season. I am also learning who I am again now and feeling more comfortable with that person. I have learned it is essential for me to have grand and wonderful things to look forward to. So far, this has looked like--white water tubing, camping at the beach, and Hersheypark. In the future, it will look like--San Francisco and a Giants game, the Avett Brothers concert and a weekend trip to New Orleans. These things get me through each day and each week and each month without Sloane. Obviously they don't replace her, but they remind me that life is still worth living, and that there is beauty and goodness in so many aspects of life. Without these things, I would be easily and quickly overwhelmed by the heartwrenching trials of life.

The river we tubed on (not as much white water as I would've liked...)

Last week, there were 8 people I knew of who died. Some were nationally known, many were relatives of friends, but one I considered a friend, although she was in our life for a brief period of time. I know all too well that it doesn't take long for someone to make a lasting difference in your life. Two summers ago, we met a fun, vibrant 16 year old. We hung out with her and her family a few times over the summer. Several months later, she was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma. Last week, a year after being diagnosed, she died. My heart has ached for her parents and for her siblings and for her close friends who feel the sting of her absence. Her death has reminded me once again, that life is not fair. If it were fair, 18 year old girls would not die from cancer and babies would not die before they are born. There is simply nothing fair about it.

But we are not here to have a fair and balanced life. That's not the point. The point is for it to not be fair, because it is in these times that we come to rely on Christ. And so while some of my mental and emotional health is due to therapy and some of it is due to the nice weather, I know the bulk of it is due to Him. He knows it is not fair better than anyone else, and He will help ease these burdens because He knows just how unfair it is, and because He loves us.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since we met and said good-bye to our little angel. 8 months ago tonight that I was blissfully unaware of anything wrong and that she was most likely already gone. 8 months ago tonight I was happy to be in labor finally and soon be meeting our little baby girl. 8 months ago tomorrow morning my world crashed around me, and I have been picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together for these past 8 months. It seems so long ago and so far away since that other life I had.

Looking back at these 8 months, there are some things I wish I didn't do, like buy a new car and paint my walls green. In hindsight, I know these were decisions and distractions made in the midst of grief, but in the moment, they seemed perfectly rational. But it is so healing to see where I have been and how far I have come. I can say that I am ok, and actually mean it. I don't cry every week, and there are times when I can think of Sloane with nothing but joy and peace. A little girl at my preschool, remembering my big belly at the beginning of the year, looked up at me today and asked, "Where is your baby?" A few months ago, this would have ruined my day and I would be a disaster. Today I could tell this little girl that my baby is not here, and I could know--really know--that she is ok. She is not far from here, although I cannot see her.

Sloane's flower garden

Another sign to me that I am healing is that TTC does not consume me as it did a few months ago. I am nearing the end of my 2nd round of Clomid, and I almost feel indifferent to the outcome. That may be an automatic form of self-preservation, but I'm ok with that because apathy is a heck of a lot easier to live with than anxiety. I think in large part, this is because I have things to look forward to this year and I know that while motherhood is important to me, it is not all I am. It can't be. And if I get pregnant, I'll deal with those emotions when they come. For now, it's all ok.

On the TTC Journey...

There are so many acronyms to figure out in the world of TTC (trying to conceive). That alone has been difficult-I wish there was a dictionary for this stuff.

We are coming up on 7 months since Sloane died, and I thought I would be 4 months pregnant by now. You see, I thought it would happen right away, just like it did last time. You would think I would have learned that nothing works the way you think it is going to, but apparently I didn't learn that lesson enough already, so I have some more figuring out to do...

Because I'm not pregnant.

I've been ok not being pregnant yet. I have become hyper-focused on trying to figure out my body and when am I ovulating and when could I get pregnant and is my period late, or is my cycle just longer this time? I've been "ok" in the sense that I am incredibly aware of what stage of my cycle I'm in and when I would be due if I were to get pregnant this time. That's normal, right? I've done ovulation predictor kits and multiple pregnancy tests and basal body temperatures. I feel like I've done it all in a few short months. This TTC journey is exhausting, and there are women who do it for years. I may be one of these women, we will find out. Each of these journeys is unique, and of course, my TTC journey has been coupled with grief and longing for Sloane.

What I have learned in these past 7 months about my body is that it is a mess. I really had high hopes for it, as I mentioned above, but I have come to doubt it and resent it and be angry at it, for many reasons, some obvious, some less so. One of these reasons is that I have had irregular and long cycles, which make TTC again so incredibly frustrating. After last month's 47 day doozie, I called the doc and we made a plan. 47 days. I realize that in the big scheme of things, 47 days may be the blink of an eye, but when you are hoping and waiting and wanting to get pregnant, 47 days is an eternity. Similarly, for some, 7 months TTC may not seem like long, especially after a loss like ours, but let me tell you what-it feels long.

So after speaking with my midwife, the plan is to take Clomid. While she is ever so diplomatic and unbiased enough to let me make my own decision, I could see her wariness about this plan as we spoke about it. Her wariness came because there is an 8% chance of having a multiple pregnancy. Multiple pregnancies come with their own set of risks. To some, they may see a multiple pregnancy as the chance to have more than one baby! To me, I see the chance to lose more than one baby.

In spite of this risk, I jumped on this plan. My heart cannot handle 47+ days with little knowledge of when I ovulate and what is going on. It is too long. So we made our plan and I immediately felt better knowing there was a plan. I'm a planner, and this felt good to me.

Today is day 1 of Clomid, and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. My heart can't handle 47+ days, but can my heart handle being pregnant? I have wanted this and planned for this, talked about this and wished for this, but if it really happens, can my heart handle this?

I have been caught in the midst of faith and fear for 7 months, trying so hard to choose faith and let that faith fill me and move me. I have struggled with what to put my faith in, though-do I have faith that I can conceive without any type of medical intervention? I used to be a believer in childbirth as a natural process, but look where that got me. Or do I put my faith in doing all I can and trusting God will take care of me? At the end of the day, this is the answer I have settled on. I cannot sit and wait, and I think God knows that and understands that. So I have taken action, making the best choice I can, and I will trust in Him that whatever happens will be for my good.

Hope is Too Hard

*Fair warning: this may fall into the category of TMI. You've been warned!*

The past 2 weeks were awful, for many reasons, both physical and emotional. One event that encapsulates both sides of the awful is that I got my period.

This is such a tricky thing- I am ok not being pregnant right now, because I know my body is healing physically and I am getting stronger each and every day. I know my spirit is healing emotionally as I continue to learn to navigate the waters of life without Sloane. I know my relationship is getting stronger as we continue to learn more about each other as we navigate this new space. In my head, I know these things and there is a part of me that is 100% ok, and even happy, to not be pregnant right now. In some ways, it is safe to not be pregnant, because I am not open to the potential heartbreak and devastation that I now know can follow a pregnancy.

But then there is that other part, the part that wants to be pregnant, to have something to hope for and look forward to, the part that believes deep down that maybe life won't suck forever. That there will be another baby, not one who will replace Sloane, but one who can fill the emptiness of our arms, even if they won't be able to entirely fill the emptiness in our hearts. That being pregnant would give me something else to look forward to, even if it was accompanied with fear and anxiety. It would be worth it, because there could be happiness that comes through that.

So even if I don't like to admit it to myself, and my rational side is what wins most days (which I'm grateful for so that I can function), the truth is that deep down, I want to be pregnant again. And I'm not.

Like so many other things anymore, it really is a lose-lose situation. If I tell myself it's ok to not be pregnant, then I am not letting hope into my heart and into my life.  If I let myself feel that it sucks to not be pregnant, I'll be a mess every month. For now, I can't let myself be a mess every month, which means I have to not plan on being pregnant. Hope at all is too hard.