Summertime is Here

After longing for months for summer to be here, it has arrived! It is June. With the changing season, I have found myself in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Walking at the beach

I went to therapy for a couple of months, for which I attribute some of this health to. I also attribute some of it to the longer days, the sunshine, and the smaller workload that comes with the new season. I am also learning who I am again now and feeling more comfortable with that person. I have learned it is essential for me to have grand and wonderful things to look forward to. So far, this has looked like--white water tubing, camping at the beach, and Hersheypark. In the future, it will look like--San Francisco and a Giants game, the Avett Brothers concert and a weekend trip to New Orleans. These things get me through each day and each week and each month without Sloane. Obviously they don't replace her, but they remind me that life is still worth living, and that there is beauty and goodness in so many aspects of life. Without these things, I would be easily and quickly overwhelmed by the heartwrenching trials of life.

The river we tubed on (not as much white water as I would've liked...)

Last week, there were 8 people I knew of who died. Some were nationally known, many were relatives of friends, but one I considered a friend, although she was in our life for a brief period of time. I know all too well that it doesn't take long for someone to make a lasting difference in your life. Two summers ago, we met a fun, vibrant 16 year old. We hung out with her and her family a few times over the summer. Several months later, she was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma. Last week, a year after being diagnosed, she died. My heart has ached for her parents and for her siblings and for her close friends who feel the sting of her absence. Her death has reminded me once again, that life is not fair. If it were fair, 18 year old girls would not die from cancer and babies would not die before they are born. There is simply nothing fair about it.

But we are not here to have a fair and balanced life. That's not the point. The point is for it to not be fair, because it is in these times that we come to rely on Christ. And so while some of my mental and emotional health is due to therapy and some of it is due to the nice weather, I know the bulk of it is due to Him. He knows it is not fair better than anyone else, and He will help ease these burdens because He knows just how unfair it is, and because He loves us.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since we met and said good-bye to our little angel. 8 months ago tonight that I was blissfully unaware of anything wrong and that she was most likely already gone. 8 months ago tonight I was happy to be in labor finally and soon be meeting our little baby girl. 8 months ago tomorrow morning my world crashed around me, and I have been picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together for these past 8 months. It seems so long ago and so far away since that other life I had.

Looking back at these 8 months, there are some things I wish I didn't do, like buy a new car and paint my walls green. In hindsight, I know these were decisions and distractions made in the midst of grief, but in the moment, they seemed perfectly rational. But it is so healing to see where I have been and how far I have come. I can say that I am ok, and actually mean it. I don't cry every week, and there are times when I can think of Sloane with nothing but joy and peace. A little girl at my preschool, remembering my big belly at the beginning of the year, looked up at me today and asked, "Where is your baby?" A few months ago, this would have ruined my day and I would be a disaster. Today I could tell this little girl that my baby is not here, and I could know--really know--that she is ok. She is not far from here, although I cannot see her.

Sloane's flower garden

Another sign to me that I am healing is that TTC does not consume me as it did a few months ago. I am nearing the end of my 2nd round of Clomid, and I almost feel indifferent to the outcome. That may be an automatic form of self-preservation, but I'm ok with that because apathy is a heck of a lot easier to live with than anxiety. I think in large part, this is because I have things to look forward to this year and I know that while motherhood is important to me, it is not all I am. It can't be. And if I get pregnant, I'll deal with those emotions when they come. For now, it's all ok.

Busy Spring

Life is busy!

All of my class requirements are DONE for grad school...the last box to check is walking across the stage for the last time on Friday, and hearing VP Biden congratulate me at Commencement on Saturday. I have loved grad school, and I will love being done and never going back.

We went down to the beach last weekend with some friends. While it was still too chilly to get in the water, it was sunny and warm enough to sit out. We stayed at a condo right on the beach, and the weekend went too fast.

 We also celebrated Josh's 30th birthday this weekend! We kept it pretty low key this year. He went for a bike ride on Saturday, then we got lunch and went for a walk/picnic at the reservoir. That night, we got dinner at the mall, visited some friends, got ice cream, and fell asleep watching the NBA Finals. We are such crazy party animals.

On Sunday, I made french toast with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast, salmon and asparagus for dinner, and we had cheesecake at a friend's house.

The picture below was taken 2 weeks ago at 21 weeks pregnant. The bump keeps getting bigger! Right now, I am right at the point where my normal shirts are starting to not quite fit anymore, and the only comfortable pants have elastic waists. It's probably time to get a few more maternity pieces :)

We are pretty excited for baby, but also not wanting to rush the next 4 months. There is still a lot to do, and we are enjoying our last few months having Josh and Sarah time. The best part of being pregnant so far is feeling baby move! It's always a nice reminder that she is there and doing ok. 

Marathon 'tails

Ok so here are the tails. Most people say deets, I say tails.
I ran 26.2 miles! Huge life goal: done.
Will I do it again? The verdict is still out. Yes, I loved it, but yes, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. As of right now, I am thinking I prefer half marathons, but keep in mind that I still can't walk or move like a normal person yet. That may change.
It was the Rehoboth Beach marathon and it was a pretty small race, around 750 people in the marathon. I liked the smaller race to start because it was less intimidating, but during the race it would've been nice to have more people around because there points when I was just running by myself.

 These 2 pics are from mile 11. Obviously still loving life and loving the fact that I am on a really long run for the first time in 3 weeks and that I am finally actually doing the marathon and not just thinking about it nervously anymore. I felt great for the first 11 or so miles.

 This is from mile 19, hating life. Wondering, am I crazy? Why did I want to do this? (this really did cross my mind). Miles 11-20 were rough. It just seemed to last so long and that part of the route took us through woods where there were no people or cars or any changing scenery. I wasn't necessarily in physical pain, but I was definitely mentally struggling. When I saw Josh, I couldn't even talk to him or I would've started crying. But as soon as I got to mile 20, I knew I could do it.

 This is from mile 23. From mile 20 on, I knew I could finish it. It was a short enough distance left that each mile I went seemed to really make a difference in how far left I had to go. I remember thinking, "You know you're crazy when you have 5 miles left to run and that seems really short."

 My goal was to finish in 4 hours. I was at halfway at 1:56 I think, so I knew that I could make it in 4 if I could keep the same pace and not stop. There were points when that was all that kept me going. Overall, I stopped to pee once, tie my shoe once, once because I cramped, and I think I walked a few steps at a drink station. So overall, pretty awesome.

  So happy to be done!

My medal. I want to wear everyday until my legs don't hurt anymore so that people will know why I am walking funny.

I had a Gu at miles 7, 14, and 20. I had water at miles 8, 15, and 21. And I had a piece of banana at mile 15. I had one piece of toast and a yogurt for breakfast. Overall, I was happy with my nutrition during the race. There was one point that I felt really hungry and I knew the Gu just wasn't going to cut it, which is why I had the banana. I didn't bonk and felt like I had the same amount of energy the whole race.

So that's it! I did it and I am so glad I did. I can't believe it, either. It has been a goal for such a long time that it seems surreal that I did it. Thanks to an awesome supportive husband and a body that didn't break (yet), I managed to finish.

In-Laws Visit

Five days after we got back from DC, Josh's parents came out for their visit to see us in our new home. I have a feeling they will be visiting a lot more now that we are so close to them. It was a very busy week and lots of fun!

Baltimore Aquarium

I LOVE turtles.

4D movie, including a shark attack!

This little bird is SO loud! It is so cute when he makes the sound, he rears his whole body back to get enough power. If you listen at the end of the sloth video, you can hear him.

We got a treat-we watched this sloth move across the whole rain forest room! They can stay in the same spot for up to two days, so we were lucky. Here's a video of him in action::

We also went to the beach twice! The first day we tried out Cape Henlopen and the next day we went to Rehoboth. They were both crazy busy, no surprise there. Josh's mom also got us boogie boards, but the waves were very, very lame.

Funny face Josh

The most important part of their trip is that I discovered my new love--Rita's! It is an italian ice shop where you can get gelato on top of your ice, and it is pure heaven. I am entirely addicted, plus they have already sent me two coupons, which means this addiction is sustainable. Good thing.