I've started running again and I have thought about this as I have run. Running is therapeutic for me. It helps me feel more like me, and I know myself and I know my body when I run. It is something I have some control over and it feels so good right now to have control over something. I know for some women after losing a baby, it is hard to see their body change back to its normal size, and that was so true for me at first, but I love being able to feel physically strong again and stand in amazement every day at what my body is capable of. There is something about seeing my body look normal and strong while my spirit feels broken that I enjoy.
Alas, I digress. I am so happy to be running again. It is so good for me. But I know that however far I can run, I can never run away from this. There is no hiding or escaping. And sometimes I just wish I could go back to the innocence I enjoyed before Sloane. But because I can't, I will keep running and try to find myself and peace in that.
Wow. I seriously just had a conversation with Dan that was almost identical to this post. I have started running, too. And at first, I would cry almost the whole time. It was as if the physical pain was an open door for my emotional pain. But now I am getting stronger and feeling more like myself again and it is empowering. I feel like all I want is for some part of me to be strong. I don't even care about the physical "look" of my body, all I want is to be strong. I have the need to compensate for my inner broken-ness. And it is really starting to help. :)
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