Happy Birthday, Baby Girl-- Ragnar Race Recap

This weekend has been a whirlwind. I am currently laying on the couch with aching legs and a full heart, longing to relive this whirlwind weekend. Which I will do through a post :)

Josh and I decided to do the Washington DC Ragnar Relay in early May. We saw it was on Sloane's birthday, and ever since she died, we had wanted to do something with the term "Strides for Sloane." After 8 months, we found the perfect opportunity to honor her, remember her, and celebrate her. Ragnar Relays are 12 person, 200 mile overnight relays. So we found 10 other crazy people that captured many different areas of our lives, and we had our Ragnar team. The team included people we know from church, mountain biking, Mississippi, grad school, and high school.

The girls on the team

Josh and I trained all summer in the Mississippi heat with 2-a-days, humidity, and hills. But we knew it was for Sloane, so it wasn't that bad. Planning for the event and training for it gave me something positive to look forward in connection with her birthday--a day that could have been terrible, ridden with anxiety and reliving nightmares.

As the event got closer, my mind was consumed with preparation and last minute details. Despite a few emergencies and changes, it seemed like everything was coming together-except the weather. Reports of Hurricane Joaquin had been coming in all week, and it was unsure what impact that would play on travel and racing. The DC Ragnar Facebook page blew up with everyone wondering what would happen (MITZI!).

After months of excited anticipation, Thursday afternoon, October 1, finally came. We ended up being able to borrow two vehicles, a Ford Transit van and a Toyota Sequoia. A huge blessing thanks to incredible people! Both vehicles left between 4-5pm, with 11/12 teammates between the two. The Sequoia picked up teammate 12 in Baltimore, with both vehicles arriving to Cumberland, MD near the start around 9pm. The team met altogether for the first time, everyone checked into their hotels or campsite without a problem, and we had our last night of normalcy.

Korina ready to start us off strong!

Van 1 (Korina, Melissa, Eric, Tim, Lauren, Chris) started at 9am. Van 2 (Lukas, me, Amelia, Mark, Korina, Josh) didn't start until Van 1 finished their first 6 legs, which was projected to be around 2pm. We all went to the start to cheer on the whole team, and then Van 2 waited...which was so hard! We were so amped up to race, and then we go to the start, and then have to wait at least 5 hours until it's our turn to run. So we went and got a leisurely breakfast at Belle Grove Diner, then made our way to Exchange 6, the first big meet up. Unfortunately, the weather was cold and wet, which made partying at major exchanges less than appealing and meant as much car time as possible the majority of the race. At Exchange 6 though, there was a little restaurant that let us sit inside while we waited for Van 1. They had thousands of dollar bills on the ceiling and so we left our mark.

Waiting at Exchange 6!

Finally, it was Van 2's turn to run! Van 1 did great, with the exception of a minor mix up about which exchange was which resulting in a half hour delay. Now it was their turn to rest!

Our first rotation went well. Everyone was excited and happy to finally be running. My first leg (Exchange 8) is the one I had been most worried about. It was 6.8 miles and was ranked "very hard" due to the first 3 miles being entirely uphill and the last 4 being entirely downhill. Yes, the uphill was challenging, but I ran the whole thing and flew down the second half! At least I think I did, as my GPS watch didn't work for this leg. But I felt great!

During each other's runs, the van would leap frog the runner so you got to see your van and teammates every couple of miles and they checked in to make sure you were doing ok. This helped with motivation a lot, knowing your team was ahead waiting for you.

I think around 730/8pm, van 2 finished their 1st rotation. This put us at Exchange 12 handing off to Van 1 again. At this point, it was now dark, cold, and rainy. Ideal conditions! Exchange 12 was at a high school, where there were promised hot (actually cold) showers, a spaghetti dinner, and indoor sleeping available in the gym. Any type of dry space bigger than the van we had been in for 12 hours sounded incredible. We loaded some of our stuff into the high school to dry off and rest, then I went outside and waited for the handoff between Runner 12 (Josh) and Runner 1 (Korina). Here, I found out Korina was battling an ankle injury and unsure if she would be able to finish. Also, the Sequoia wouldn't start, and they needed to get moving to pick Korina up after she finished Leg 13! Major panic set in for me as I thought of all the possible and impractical solutions we may have to attempt. A huge blessing occurred when a kind van with jumper cables got the Sequoia to start and they were off again.






Van 2 ate a mediocre, warm, but still delicious plate of spaghetti, and hunkered down to try and sleep. I got probably a good hour of sleep on that hard gym floor. I wish we had brought more blankets/sleeping bags because we were cold sharing, but we managed with what we had.

At 11pm, I woke in a panic with 2 important texts- 1 saying Leg 23, Katrina's next leg, was cancelled due to flooding. The second saying Van 1 was making better time than anticipated, which meant we had to get moving to meet them at Exchange 18 at a creamery. Van 2 was great at getting it together and getting moving, and we made it with plenty of time to meet them. As we got ready to start our 2nd rotation, Van 1 got ready to eat burgers and take a nap. Needless to say, at midnight in the cold, dark, rain, Van 2 got a little jealous!






My second leg, which was Exchange 20, was 6.9 miles "hard." I knew it had some hills, but it definitely had steeper hills than I anticipated. I walked up one steep hill, but did run the rest. The first mile felt great, but by mile 2, the novelty of running at night in the rain had worn off and I was ready to be done. Luckily, getting done can sometimes be motivation enough to finish! Seen on this leg was a GIANT chicken statue, and apparently a pumpkin tree that I didn't see but my van did. I finished with a 9:41 min/mile. Everyone was such a trooper in the middle of night. It was so cold and wet, but no one in my van complained once (out loud anyway) and they even said it added to the fun and adventure. Where did I find such crazy friends to do this with me?!


Because Exchange 23 was cancelled, and Korina was hurt, Katrina ended up running Korina's last leg, which worked out perfectly. This had us finishing Leg 25 about 6:30am. At this point, we were exhausted from no sleep, two runs, and being out in the rain all night. Plus the vehicle was a disorganized mess from everyone throwing their stuff around all night. The great news is that Van 1 had the brilliant idea to get a hotel around Exchange 24, so they rested there while we ran, and then it was our turn to rest while they ran.

Let me tell you, a hotel room has never looked so good. It had 2 beds and a pull-out sofa, a fireplace, and 2 showers. We buckled down and showered and got settled for some sleep pretty fast. After another hour of beautiful sleep, I woke up in another panic to another text with an update from Van 1 about their imminent finish with Exchange 30. So at 9am, we headed out for our last meet up before the finish!

Time was so strange. It felt like we had been doing this Ragnar race for months, even though it had only been 24 hours. It felt like the people in our van were the only people that existed and everyone back home was a distant memory. That race became your life for the hours you were in it, because it took all of your mental and physical energy to focus on what you had to do.

Food was also so difficult because you were forcing yourself to eat in the middle of the night because your body needed fuel, but nothing tasted good. Plus, in the rain, it was difficult to access the food we brought since you didn't want to stand out in the rain to get anything.

Waiting for our last rotation at Exchange 30

My last leg, Leg 32, was 6.9 miles "moderate." Again, much more difficult than anticipated. The first 4 miles were flat, on a trail, and halfway through I had a water station with a Snickers bar. This part was great... and then the last 3 miles or so were in a neighborhood with major hills! After running two other legs with big hills, my shins were on fire. I had to walk up 1 hill and down 1 hill. I finished at a 10:04 min/mile, and was never so happy to finish running (other than my marathon). When I finished, I couldn't stop laughing. I blame it on the lack of sleep and physical exhaustion, but I couldn't stop laughing at the thought that I had survived! I did a Ragnar!

Just a little excited to be at my LAST MILE

After me, we only had 4 more runners until we were done altogether! It seemed like everyone in my van thought their last leg was harder than anticipated, but that seems normal given what we had been through. Everyone still crushed it. I was smart and put together a team of people faster than me!

After exchanging Josh for Karina (runner 12 for 11), we made our way to the finish. We stopped and got some hot food on the walk to Yards Park. I had broccoli cheddar soup, Sun Chips, and a Pepsi. I think my stomach shrunk, because I could only eat and drink half of everything, but it was so good! I felt guilty for eating such deliciousness while Josh was still out suffering, but my body was saying "it's ok, you deserve it!"

We had two incredible friends come down to the finish, Jessica and Heather, with their kiddos. They stood out in the cold to celebrate and cheer us on. Also incredible were our volunteers, a friend I work with and her family, who stood out in the rain from midnight to 5am to direct runners and cars. These people are amazing!!

When we saw Josh coming in close to the finish, we made a tunnel for him to run through and started running, trying to keep up with his finishing race pace with our sore, tired, cold legs. As we crossed that finish line, I was overcome with feelings of joy, completeness, pride, accomplishment, and gratitude. Finishing meant so much more than just running 200 miles. For me, it represented the journey Josh and I have been on this past year-and we made it. We came out stronger, although sore and beat up, and we came out together, with so many friends around us. In the time since we finished the race, it has felt like I really will be ok. And lately, it has not been feeling like that. But this proved to me that I can do hard and seemingly impossible things. I can keep going when it gets tough. And there is so much more strength available than I am capable of by myself. I couldn't have done the race by myself, and I couldn't have survived this year by myself. We hugged, we got our medals, we ate pizza, and stocked up on Ragnar gear. No one wanted to sit around too long, so we sorted out vans and who was going where, and headed home!

I knew it was Sloane's birthday and the day we held her and loved her, but that was not what was on my mind. I thought of her and I ran for her, but I was not overcome with feelings of sadness or flashbacks. Which is HUGE on such a potentially rough day.

Overall, it was a huge success. Everyone had such a positive attitude and meshed so well, considering most of them did not know each other! Plus they were incredible runners and toughed out a Ragnar in a storm. I have so much love for everyone on this team because only they know what we survived together this weekend! We ended up finishing 35th out of 202 teams in our mixed open division. We finished 200ish miles in 29 hours, 33 minutes, at an average pace of 8:52 min/mile. Not bad for a group of first timers!

Things to think about for next time...

• Food. I would put one person in charge of food and supplies for each vehicle, because then they know what there is and where it is. I think we had a lot of food that didn't get eaten because I packed it all, so the van I wasn't in didn't know what they were digging for in the cold dark. 
• Spirit. I would put one person in charge of spirit stuff, whether that be car decorating, costumes, team magnets, etc. 
• Organization. I think it would help for each person to have one big bag that they can keep the bulk of their stuff in, and one small bag that they can keep with them in the car. This can hold their next running outfit and/or their next non-running outfit. 
• More blankets and warmer clothes! (hopefully that only applies to this race)
• I spent unnecessary money printing out all of the leg maps and race bible, which we didn't use because the Ragnar App was great. 
• Take off more time from work (if only!)
• Stay in a hotel after the race.

Summertime is Here

After longing for months for summer to be here, it has arrived! It is June. With the changing season, I have found myself in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Walking at the beach

I went to therapy for a couple of months, for which I attribute some of this health to. I also attribute some of it to the longer days, the sunshine, and the smaller workload that comes with the new season. I am also learning who I am again now and feeling more comfortable with that person. I have learned it is essential for me to have grand and wonderful things to look forward to. So far, this has looked like--white water tubing, camping at the beach, and Hersheypark. In the future, it will look like--San Francisco and a Giants game, the Avett Brothers concert and a weekend trip to New Orleans. These things get me through each day and each week and each month without Sloane. Obviously they don't replace her, but they remind me that life is still worth living, and that there is beauty and goodness in so many aspects of life. Without these things, I would be easily and quickly overwhelmed by the heartwrenching trials of life.

The river we tubed on (not as much white water as I would've liked...)

Last week, there were 8 people I knew of who died. Some were nationally known, many were relatives of friends, but one I considered a friend, although she was in our life for a brief period of time. I know all too well that it doesn't take long for someone to make a lasting difference in your life. Two summers ago, we met a fun, vibrant 16 year old. We hung out with her and her family a few times over the summer. Several months later, she was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma. Last week, a year after being diagnosed, she died. My heart has ached for her parents and for her siblings and for her close friends who feel the sting of her absence. Her death has reminded me once again, that life is not fair. If it were fair, 18 year old girls would not die from cancer and babies would not die before they are born. There is simply nothing fair about it.

But we are not here to have a fair and balanced life. That's not the point. The point is for it to not be fair, because it is in these times that we come to rely on Christ. And so while some of my mental and emotional health is due to therapy and some of it is due to the nice weather, I know the bulk of it is due to Him. He knows it is not fair better than anyone else, and He will help ease these burdens because He knows just how unfair it is, and because He loves us.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since we met and said good-bye to our little angel. 8 months ago tonight that I was blissfully unaware of anything wrong and that she was most likely already gone. 8 months ago tonight I was happy to be in labor finally and soon be meeting our little baby girl. 8 months ago tomorrow morning my world crashed around me, and I have been picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together for these past 8 months. It seems so long ago and so far away since that other life I had.

Looking back at these 8 months, there are some things I wish I didn't do, like buy a new car and paint my walls green. In hindsight, I know these were decisions and distractions made in the midst of grief, but in the moment, they seemed perfectly rational. But it is so healing to see where I have been and how far I have come. I can say that I am ok, and actually mean it. I don't cry every week, and there are times when I can think of Sloane with nothing but joy and peace. A little girl at my preschool, remembering my big belly at the beginning of the year, looked up at me today and asked, "Where is your baby?" A few months ago, this would have ruined my day and I would be a disaster. Today I could tell this little girl that my baby is not here, and I could know--really know--that she is ok. She is not far from here, although I cannot see her.

Sloane's flower garden

Another sign to me that I am healing is that TTC does not consume me as it did a few months ago. I am nearing the end of my 2nd round of Clomid, and I almost feel indifferent to the outcome. That may be an automatic form of self-preservation, but I'm ok with that because apathy is a heck of a lot easier to live with than anxiety. I think in large part, this is because I have things to look forward to this year and I know that while motherhood is important to me, it is not all I am. It can't be. And if I get pregnant, I'll deal with those emotions when they come. For now, it's all ok.

2-6

While 26 is not typically a milestone birthday, this year seemed big because of the unexpected change of not having Sloane here with us to celebrate. I had not really spent a lot of time thinking about my birthday (preoccupied with other thoughts...), but luckily, I have some great people who helped me avoid a potentially hard day by making this probably the best birthday yet. Pretty crazy.

The celebrations started Friday night when Josh took me to see Newsies in Philadelphia. It was awesome-high energy, active, and so fun!

On Monday, we went to Baltimore to see Josh's mom who is singing in an international chorus competition there this week. We spent the day together which was a nice treat. 

My actual birthday was relatively low-key, with the exception of getting a different car...that took up a lot of the day and ended up being a surprisingly fun process. The best parts of the day though, were getting surprised by friends "scattering sunshine" into my life. 

2 lbs of Sour Patch Kids (favorite fave candy ever), lined leggings, a sunshiney yellow hat, a picture of sun shining through the Sacred Grove, and lots of pictures of sun! 

 

 

The sweet YW in my ward also came over and put sunshines all over my front door and left sunshine cupcakes. 

                                                     

Not pictured: my mom sent a little package with everything yellow in Wal-Mart that would fit into a small box...yellow washcloth and hand towel, yellow loofa, Juicy Fruit, Carmex, yellow sticky notes, peanut M&M's...you get the picture. 

Life is hard, but it is so much better with great friends who look out for you. 

Busy Spring

Life is busy!

All of my class requirements are DONE for grad school...the last box to check is walking across the stage for the last time on Friday, and hearing VP Biden congratulate me at Commencement on Saturday. I have loved grad school, and I will love being done and never going back.

We went down to the beach last weekend with some friends. While it was still too chilly to get in the water, it was sunny and warm enough to sit out. We stayed at a condo right on the beach, and the weekend went too fast.

 We also celebrated Josh's 30th birthday this weekend! We kept it pretty low key this year. He went for a bike ride on Saturday, then we got lunch and went for a walk/picnic at the reservoir. That night, we got dinner at the mall, visited some friends, got ice cream, and fell asleep watching the NBA Finals. We are such crazy party animals.

On Sunday, I made french toast with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast, salmon and asparagus for dinner, and we had cheesecake at a friend's house.

The picture below was taken 2 weeks ago at 21 weeks pregnant. The bump keeps getting bigger! Right now, I am right at the point where my normal shirts are starting to not quite fit anymore, and the only comfortable pants have elastic waists. It's probably time to get a few more maternity pieces :)

We are pretty excited for baby, but also not wanting to rush the next 4 months. There is still a lot to do, and we are enjoying our last few months having Josh and Sarah time. The best part of being pregnant so far is feeling baby move! It's always a nice reminder that she is there and doing ok. 

School Must Be Out...

You know it's been too long since you blogged when you don't even remember the last thing you wrote about! Now that the semester is out, I can live the life of a more balanced person and have some time to do fun things again. One of these is trying to stay more up to date with my blog!

Lots of big things have been happening lately.
#1 School
I finished my last semester of classes...EVER! Unless I decide in the future to get a Ph.D., which is highly unlikely, knowing myself like I do. Next year I have a full-year internship, most likely working in an elementary school 3 days/week and a middle or high school 2 days/week. I also have one more class to take next year, but it is not really an academic class, more just a check-in to make sure everything is on track with the internship. I'm super excited about my internship for several reasons:

1. I love school psychology and kids, and I will get to do that full-time now. 
2. I am hoping to be able to help coach a sport (girl's basketball?? or Girls on the Run!)
3. I am one step closer to graduating for real and becoming a real adult! 

Number 3 is equal parts exciting and terrifying because that also means I am one step closer to having to look for a job and not having a supervisor to guide me through difficult situations. Alas, life is full of pluses and minuses.

I also had my last official day working at the ACCESS Project, which has been my assistantship for the past two years. It was a great experience where I learned a lot and met some great people!

ACCESS Project Staff

#2 Birthday

Josh had a birthday and is 29 now! The morning started off with presents. One of the presents I made for Josh this year was to take some of his bike pictures that he loves to take and transferred them onto wood so he can decorate his bike room with rustic bike pictures! I found the instructions on Pinterest from this website, and it was super easy and awesome! The best part was wiping the paper off and finding a beautiful picture underneath! I would highly recommend it for a unique, personal gift.

Another present I put together was a notebook full of notes from friends and family with favorite memories or special notes for Josh.

Then we went to breakfast at a local diner that he has been wanting to go to for the past 2 years.

 

 It was everything you would want in a diner-old people, lots of food, lots of grease, and cheap prices.

We also went to see IronMan 3 (we liked it) and then had some friends over for Bocci Ball, charades, and Costco's chocolate cake that night.

#3 Memorial Day 
Originally, the plan for Josh's birthday was to go kayaking with a LivingSocial deal that I bought, but the weather didn't cooperate on Josh's actual birthday, so we had to extend the birthday celebration (shucks!) and go kayaking two days later, which just happened to be Memorial Day. We went to French Creek State Park in PA. The lake was a little small for 2 hours of kayaking and there were a lot of other people who had the same idea as we did, but it was still fun to do something different.

                     

 We also had a campout in our backyard with our favorites, Emily, Erik, and Alyssa. We bought a firepit for this event and it was awesome. Everyone should have a firepit in their backyard!

#4 Summer Plans

We are going back to good Ol' Miss this week. Mixed emotions on this one-looking forward to relaxing and reading, not looking forward to the imminent isolation that is bound to occur while
there (as in, isolation from friends and fun). We have no cross country road trip to start us off with a bang this year, either. My summer plans include the following:

• take the School Psychology Praxis Exam
• read
• make greeting cards
• watch The West Wing and other movies in my Netflix Instant Queue. 

#5 Running

I'm back at it again. After a nice lazy couple of months, I found motivation to run again. For the first time ever, I am trying to get faster. In the past, I have just run for the fun of it and focused on finishing, but now that I have successfully completed 4 half marathons and 1 full marathon, I know I can finish and I need something else to work towards.

I'm starting off nice and easy though and doing a flat half marathon in Ft. Worth in June (http://jalapenohalf.com/) and one in PA in September (http://www.bihhalf.com/). Yes, this means I'll be training in MS in the summer months. As the ever wise Kelly Clarkson once said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."I am using the free Hal Higdon Intermediate Half Marathon Training Schedule. I used the novice 1 for the previous half marathons I've done and the novice 1 for the marathon and was very happy with them.

This is what running in 90% humidity looks like! 

Look forward to more frequent updates!