Hope is Too Hard

*Fair warning: this may fall into the category of TMI. You've been warned!*

The past 2 weeks were awful, for many reasons, both physical and emotional. One event that encapsulates both sides of the awful is that I got my period.

This is such a tricky thing- I am ok not being pregnant right now, because I know my body is healing physically and I am getting stronger each and every day. I know my spirit is healing emotionally as I continue to learn to navigate the waters of life without Sloane. I know my relationship is getting stronger as we continue to learn more about each other as we navigate this new space. In my head, I know these things and there is a part of me that is 100% ok, and even happy, to not be pregnant right now. In some ways, it is safe to not be pregnant, because I am not open to the potential heartbreak and devastation that I now know can follow a pregnancy.

But then there is that other part, the part that wants to be pregnant, to have something to hope for and look forward to, the part that believes deep down that maybe life won't suck forever. That there will be another baby, not one who will replace Sloane, but one who can fill the emptiness of our arms, even if they won't be able to entirely fill the emptiness in our hearts. That being pregnant would give me something else to look forward to, even if it was accompanied with fear and anxiety. It would be worth it, because there could be happiness that comes through that.

So even if I don't like to admit it to myself, and my rational side is what wins most days (which I'm grateful for so that I can function), the truth is that deep down, I want to be pregnant again. And I'm not.

Like so many other things anymore, it really is a lose-lose situation. If I tell myself it's ok to not be pregnant, then I am not letting hope into my heart and into my life.  If I let myself feel that it sucks to not be pregnant, I'll be a mess every month. For now, I can't let myself be a mess every month, which means I have to not plan on being pregnant. Hope at all is too hard.