Shortly after Sloane died, I wanted to go to the temple right away. This was not usual for me. I have always enjoyed the temple, thought it is beautiful, felt good when I am there, and believed in the ordinances that take place there, but I have never really been one of those people that could spend hours upon hours there. There was a large part of me that went because I knew it was the right thing and I knew I should, but not always because I wanted to, even if I was always glad I did afterwards.
But I knew that the temple would be a place that I could feel Sloane with me. This was more than a belief, or a nice idea. I knew it.
I waited a little time before going to the temple to make sure I was healed physically enough to be able to be comfortable while there. We went on Friday en route to Josh's marathon.
While I expected to feel immediate peace and joy, instead I felt sad, but sad in a good way, if you can relate to that. I was so sad not because I didn't feel her presence, but because I did...she was there, but this made me miss her more. This sadness was short-lived, however, and I could spend the majority of the time thinking of her peacefully and in gratitude that we can be together again. It made me so thankful that Josh and I were married in the temple...something that I always wanted, but never fully comprehended the importance of until losing Sloane.
I know she is ok and that she is doing good and important things helping others. She is ok, and so I will keep trying to be ok without her here.
Thank you for sharing. She has wonderful parents.
ReplyDeleteI have always admired your love and dedication for the temple. I hoped you would be able to go and feel Sloane with you and I am glad you did! You are wonderful! Keep going, one day - even one moment at a time.
ReplyDeleteI read this post and your last post just now, and it is so healing for me to read your thoughts and experiences. You are the only person who has gone through this that I want to talk to about it or hear about your experiences. For some reason, I don't want to talk about it with anyone else.
ReplyDeleteDan and I are going to the temple tomorrow and I feel I need it so badly. I also need time to just be alone with Dan. I relate so much to what you were saying about thinking that you could handle something, and then finding out that you are not ready for it. I feel like I won't be ready for the real world for a long time.
I am so glad you guys are going to get pregnant right away, it seems like it would be so healing. We have been tossing the idea around as well, however, I think we are going to wait for a while and move forward with adoption first. Then when my body is ready, we will probably try for one more.
I am so grateful that you have shared and continue to share your experiences. You guys mean so much to us.