I have been neglecting my blog lately, and you might say, my feelings, since going back to work after Thanksgiving.
Work is a welcome distraction from sitting at home, but it still a distraction from Sloane, and that part I do not like. It seems this has all caught up to me this week!
Work is stressful, between fitting everything into a day that I need to get done, writing quality reports that could hold up in court if need be, and pleasing parents who never seem to be happy, despite our best efforts to do the best thing for their child. My days are filled, but they are not filled with what I wanted them to be filled with.
Time is strange. We are at a point where life feels relatively normal. The holidays are over, and while I envisioned many things in our future with Sloane, the day-to-day tedium of normal life has taken us back again. In some ways, this is a blessing, as we need to make money and I don't think it's physically possible to live with the kind of grief we felt in the early weeks for a long time. But it also sucks because it just means it is farther and farther away from when we held her, when she was alive, and when she was here with us. It is getting harder and harder to remember the weight of her in my arms, and what her kicks and punches felt like in my belly.
On my way home tonight, I stopped at Chick-fil-a to get dinner. I realized I forgot my wallet after I ordered in the drive-thru, but I had my check book. They do not take checks. But the amazing manager said it was no problem, at which point I started bawling. Emotions are raw, eh??
Then I made it home to find a beautiful, lovely note from an old friend I haven't seen or heard from in years. While it added to my tears, these were a mix of sadness, in remembering our sweet Sloane's funeral through her words, and joy, in knowing Sloane's time here has touched someone else. I so appreciate knowing how she has affected people, because that is all we have left right now, is the hope that her influence will continue to reach out and make people love more, love deeper, and appreciate the time they have.
This may seem like a random jumble of thoughts, but it has been therapeutic and has marked this day for me, so I do not apologize :)