4 Weeks

4 weeks...the length of time since going into labor. I wish I was counting each day of how old Sloane was, rather than how long since she has been gone.

Wednesdays have been the hardest because I tend to think of what was going on that Wednesday before we had her. It's hard to think of how excited we felt, and how naive that seems now. We had no idea that she was already gone, and we had no idea the heartbreak and sorrow that was awaiting us.

So much has happened and changed in these last 4 weeks. I knew having a baby would change me, physically and emotionally. I am still grateful for these changes, even though they aren't what I anticipated.

I am sitting in the nursery, the nursery we thought would be for Sloane, but now we only hope it will be for another baby one day. Sometimes it is hard to sit in here, but I am finding that it is the hard things that help the most. It is hard to sit here and think of how I was going to rock her, or look over at her cradle and see her sleeping. It is hard to imagine her in my arms. It is hard to think of the excitement we felt while spending hours pouring over Pinterest planning every last detail of what was going to be her room. It is hard to see friends with their babies and hear their happy, healthy birth stories. 

But even if these things are hard, there is comfort in them. So I sit in the room that would've been hers. I think of her and what we hoped for her and what we would be doing if she were here with us now. I think of the excitement and joy we felt being pregnant with her, and I imagine her kicks and movement. And I love my friends and their babies and their happy birth stories. And I cry. Crying is hard, because I am so tired of crying and I am exhausted. These things are all hard, but I do them because they help me remember, and I always want to remember, even if it is hard and sad and exhausting. I can do the hard things, and I can be sad.