Saving Teddy

One morning a couple of weeks ago, I headed out for a morning run through the neighborhood as I often do. I didn't bring Franklin with me, as the weather in MS in July is not too friendly to a dog with thick, curly hair. He's ok with this arrangement. When he does go outside, he looks at me after about 10 minutes, tongue hanging out bright red, with a look that says, "why did you think this was a good idea?'

About 2.5 miles into my run, 2 little dogs started barking ferociously at me. However, I noticed they weren't exactly looking at me, but rather behind me. I turned around, and there was a dog following me! Just trotting along, happy as can be to be out on a morning run. I stopped to say hi and pet him, then kept running. He loved being petted, then also kept running behind me--for 3.5 more miles. When a car came, he ran into the bushes to hide. When the car was gone, he sprinted to catch up with me. I gave him some water when I got home because the poor guy had earned a drink.

I knew he couldn't come in the house, so I sat outside with him a lot of the day. He had no leash, quite a few ticks, fleas, and was pretty skinny. When we tried to tie him up, he just lunged trying to follow me, got himself all tangled up, and I felt terrible for him. We ended up untying him to ease my guilt. This little guy thought he had found his new home- he stayed on our porch all night. I had called the humane society earlier in the day and they said no one had reported a missing dog. I called the closest vet, and they took my name and number and told me they would call if anyone was looking for him. One of our friends posted on the neighborhood facebook page about him, with no response. We drove around and looked for posters. We walked around the area he started following and talked to a few neighbors. But no one seemed to recognize or claim our new friend!

The next morning, when Josh went out for an 8 mile run, our new friend left with him and followed him all 8 miles, with no leash. At this point, I started to fret because I did not know what to do with him. I called my mother and father in tears (not the first tears I had shed for him), knowing they had thought about getting a dog. Miracle of miracles, they agreed to take him! The next question was how to get him from MS to NE...after looking into a few options, we decided it would be fastest to meet halfway in AL for the drop-off.

We took our new friend to the vet the next day to have him examined, look for a microchip, and see what he needed done. Since we needed a name for him to make all of this happen, we decided to go with Theodore, or Teddy for short (sticking with the Roosevelt theme we started with Franklin). The vet gave him all of his shots, and we boarded him there for the weekend while Josh and I went on a previously planned weekend getaway.

Monday, we picked him up and headed to meet his new family. He rode in the car like a champ! He also thoroughly enjoyed his night of luxury in a hotel...the first thing he did was jump up on the bed, which did not last long.

Since starting his new life in NE, he is happily adjusting to life on the farm--riding in the truck, going for long runs on the dirt roads, and best of all, smelling and chasing the chickens!

I instantly fell in love with Teddy because he loved me! He is the happiest dog and soaks up every ounce of attention you can give him. He loves belly rubs, any type of food, cold floors, and running. He worked his way into my heart, and he found himself a home because of it :)

While this little guy caused me a great deal of anxiety and a few sleepless nights worrying about his safety and belonging, I am beyond thrilled that he has found a home, and a home that gives me updates about him anytime I ask!

9 months

As we head into my favorite holiday weekend (fireworks! hot dogs! ice cream! America!), there is an important day that will come first. Tomorrow will be 9 months since saying goodbye to our little Sloane. While each month has seemed important for various reasons, 9 months is significant, for after this, she will be apart from me longer than she was with me. This feels terrible, because it feels like she is becoming more distant. But in some ways there is freedom and peace the farther out we get, as I know she is still with me and I feel stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have felt the burden of grief lifted at times. 9 months is a momentous marker in time, for good and for bad.

I have been in MS for about 2 weeks now, and while it is the 3rd summer we have been here, this summer has posed some unique challenges. Sloane is always on my mind, and I always want to talk about her and share her, but I do not always trust strangers or even acquaintances with this special and sacred piece of my life. The question becomes, how do I honor her while still protecting my heart? I don't have the answer to this yet. Typically, if people ask, I have no problem saying I have a daughter who died. The following awkward and uncomfortable conversation that follows is something I have become accustomed to. The problem comes when people don't ask. Because truthfully, looking at Josh and I, you would make the assumption that we don't have kids, so how would this even come up? But that aspect of our lives has played such a critical role in who I am, in everything I do, that it feels wrong to not share that part of my life.  The difficulties of losing Sloane change and transform in their shape and magnitude, but I do not think they will ever go away. It will always be hard.

Something I have been focusing on lately that is motivating for me is training for the Ragnar race in October. It feels so good to be getting stronger physically, and as I have been increasing my mileage, I have also been reminded of the mental effort required in running. Mentally, I feel like nothing can beat me now. Running up a long, steep hill when it is hot and humid--yes, it sucks, but it doesn't compare to losing your baby. I know now that I can do hard, even impossible, things.

Summertime is Here

After longing for months for summer to be here, it has arrived! It is June. With the changing season, I have found myself in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Walking at the beach

I went to therapy for a couple of months, for which I attribute some of this health to. I also attribute some of it to the longer days, the sunshine, and the smaller workload that comes with the new season. I am also learning who I am again now and feeling more comfortable with that person. I have learned it is essential for me to have grand and wonderful things to look forward to. So far, this has looked like--white water tubing, camping at the beach, and Hersheypark. In the future, it will look like--San Francisco and a Giants game, the Avett Brothers concert and a weekend trip to New Orleans. These things get me through each day and each week and each month without Sloane. Obviously they don't replace her, but they remind me that life is still worth living, and that there is beauty and goodness in so many aspects of life. Without these things, I would be easily and quickly overwhelmed by the heartwrenching trials of life.

The river we tubed on (not as much white water as I would've liked...)

Last week, there were 8 people I knew of who died. Some were nationally known, many were relatives of friends, but one I considered a friend, although she was in our life for a brief period of time. I know all too well that it doesn't take long for someone to make a lasting difference in your life. Two summers ago, we met a fun, vibrant 16 year old. We hung out with her and her family a few times over the summer. Several months later, she was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma. Last week, a year after being diagnosed, she died. My heart has ached for her parents and for her siblings and for her close friends who feel the sting of her absence. Her death has reminded me once again, that life is not fair. If it were fair, 18 year old girls would not die from cancer and babies would not die before they are born. There is simply nothing fair about it.

But we are not here to have a fair and balanced life. That's not the point. The point is for it to not be fair, because it is in these times that we come to rely on Christ. And so while some of my mental and emotional health is due to therapy and some of it is due to the nice weather, I know the bulk of it is due to Him. He knows it is not fair better than anyone else, and He will help ease these burdens because He knows just how unfair it is, and because He loves us.

Tomorrow will be 8 months since we met and said good-bye to our little angel. 8 months ago tonight that I was blissfully unaware of anything wrong and that she was most likely already gone. 8 months ago tonight I was happy to be in labor finally and soon be meeting our little baby girl. 8 months ago tomorrow morning my world crashed around me, and I have been picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together for these past 8 months. It seems so long ago and so far away since that other life I had.

Looking back at these 8 months, there are some things I wish I didn't do, like buy a new car and paint my walls green. In hindsight, I know these were decisions and distractions made in the midst of grief, but in the moment, they seemed perfectly rational. But it is so healing to see where I have been and how far I have come. I can say that I am ok, and actually mean it. I don't cry every week, and there are times when I can think of Sloane with nothing but joy and peace. A little girl at my preschool, remembering my big belly at the beginning of the year, looked up at me today and asked, "Where is your baby?" A few months ago, this would have ruined my day and I would be a disaster. Today I could tell this little girl that my baby is not here, and I could know--really know--that she is ok. She is not far from here, although I cannot see her.

Sloane's flower garden

Another sign to me that I am healing is that TTC does not consume me as it did a few months ago. I am nearing the end of my 2nd round of Clomid, and I almost feel indifferent to the outcome. That may be an automatic form of self-preservation, but I'm ok with that because apathy is a heck of a lot easier to live with than anxiety. I think in large part, this is because I have things to look forward to this year and I know that while motherhood is important to me, it is not all I am. It can't be. And if I get pregnant, I'll deal with those emotions when they come. For now, it's all ok.

I get by with a little help from my friends

This has been the theme of my week.

I am quickly approaching my first year completed as a school psychologist! Hallelujah. As I was talking about this to our guidance counselor intern this week, I made the comment that I've only made it at work this year with a little help from my friends. She helped with one of my social skills groups, and so she was one of these friends. I said this in a lighthearted manner,  but after thinking about it, I realized the depth behind the catchy song. There is honestly no way I would have survived my first year without the help of so many people! There are so many questions that come up in your first year that you really can't prepare for, and you need solid people to turn to. I am a big fan of the team approach to problem solving because, 1. All of the pressure isn't just on me, and 2. You get the best ideas by taking several people's experiences and backgrounds into account when looking at a difficult situation. 

This also got me thinking about my personal life, and how I also would not have survived this year without my friends. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have some amazing, incredible women who for some reason have picked me to be their friend and watch out for me and counsel me and listen and check in and feel the feelings with me. They are truly there. After the honeymoon stage of marriage where I wasn't too interested in having close girlfriends, and grad school where I had incredible women in my life but our lives revolved around school, I am at a point where I can have and want close friends. And it's awesome! 

In school, I remember learning about the importance of social support and a strong support system. This seems obvious, but having people who have this social support deal better with challenges. I've mentioned this before, but we have felt this support so much at various times this year. I've just felt truly loved, and that feeling is priceless.  We really do get by with a little help from our friends. 

This has all led me to plan our next big adventure: the 2015 Ragnar going from Cumberland, MD to Washington, D.C. on Sloane's birthday. 

The timing is incredible, and I can't think of a better way to remember her while still making personal growth than doing a big relay with 11 friends! I am so incredibly excited. It gives me a goal and something to plan and think about other than my reproductive life, which is a break I need so badly. I have a ways to go in training, but I can't wait to get started! 

On the TTC Journey...

There are so many acronyms to figure out in the world of TTC (trying to conceive). That alone has been difficult-I wish there was a dictionary for this stuff.

We are coming up on 7 months since Sloane died, and I thought I would be 4 months pregnant by now. You see, I thought it would happen right away, just like it did last time. You would think I would have learned that nothing works the way you think it is going to, but apparently I didn't learn that lesson enough already, so I have some more figuring out to do...

Because I'm not pregnant.

I've been ok not being pregnant yet. I have become hyper-focused on trying to figure out my body and when am I ovulating and when could I get pregnant and is my period late, or is my cycle just longer this time? I've been "ok" in the sense that I am incredibly aware of what stage of my cycle I'm in and when I would be due if I were to get pregnant this time. That's normal, right? I've done ovulation predictor kits and multiple pregnancy tests and basal body temperatures. I feel like I've done it all in a few short months. This TTC journey is exhausting, and there are women who do it for years. I may be one of these women, we will find out. Each of these journeys is unique, and of course, my TTC journey has been coupled with grief and longing for Sloane.

What I have learned in these past 7 months about my body is that it is a mess. I really had high hopes for it, as I mentioned above, but I have come to doubt it and resent it and be angry at it, for many reasons, some obvious, some less so. One of these reasons is that I have had irregular and long cycles, which make TTC again so incredibly frustrating. After last month's 47 day doozie, I called the doc and we made a plan. 47 days. I realize that in the big scheme of things, 47 days may be the blink of an eye, but when you are hoping and waiting and wanting to get pregnant, 47 days is an eternity. Similarly, for some, 7 months TTC may not seem like long, especially after a loss like ours, but let me tell you what-it feels long.

So after speaking with my midwife, the plan is to take Clomid. While she is ever so diplomatic and unbiased enough to let me make my own decision, I could see her wariness about this plan as we spoke about it. Her wariness came because there is an 8% chance of having a multiple pregnancy. Multiple pregnancies come with their own set of risks. To some, they may see a multiple pregnancy as the chance to have more than one baby! To me, I see the chance to lose more than one baby.

In spite of this risk, I jumped on this plan. My heart cannot handle 47+ days with little knowledge of when I ovulate and what is going on. It is too long. So we made our plan and I immediately felt better knowing there was a plan. I'm a planner, and this felt good to me.

Today is day 1 of Clomid, and suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. My heart can't handle 47+ days, but can my heart handle being pregnant? I have wanted this and planned for this, talked about this and wished for this, but if it really happens, can my heart handle this?

I have been caught in the midst of faith and fear for 7 months, trying so hard to choose faith and let that faith fill me and move me. I have struggled with what to put my faith in, though-do I have faith that I can conceive without any type of medical intervention? I used to be a believer in childbirth as a natural process, but look where that got me. Or do I put my faith in doing all I can and trusting God will take care of me? At the end of the day, this is the answer I have settled on. I cannot sit and wait, and I think God knows that and understands that. So I have taken action, making the best choice I can, and I will trust in Him that whatever happens will be for my good.

Quick Weekend Trip

We made a quick trip to Columbia, SC this weekend for a wedding of a friend I went to high school with. 

We stopped in DC on the way down and got to see the cherry blossoms! This has been on my to-do since we moved to DE, so I was happy to see them. 

We stopped at a little restaurant in southern VA for lunch and got BBQ and fried green tomatoes. It made us start to get excited for our summer in MS in a couple months! 

My friend got married in the LDS Columbia Temple, and it was so wonderful to be there to see and hear them be sealed for eternity.  I almost always cry at weddings, and this one was no exception. There is so much love and hope in the room when two people commit to spend their lives and futures together! This sealing was especially emotional for me, as it was the first one we have been to since Sloane died. There was one line that the sealer said that made me realize that although she is gone, she is engaged in doing really important things that are of eternal significance. I felt like she was there with us, and that was incredible. 

We stayed at a place called the Magnolia Lodge, a plantation house that was built in the 1850's. They rent out the rooms now, and it was quite the experience. The house was beautiful, although I did miss some of my more modern comforts. 

We had a few friends from Colorado who we stayed there with and went to the wedding with. It was so fun to get to see old friends and explore Columbia together! 

In the afternoon between the wedding and the reception that evening, we got some BBQ and ice cream. You always have to partake of the local cuisine! 

After the wedding, we had a bonfire and fireworks. While it was a quick trip, it was so worth the drive and I'm glad we made the effort to be there! 

6 months

I have wonderful people in my life. 

Time has continued to move on, which in some ways is good, but in some ways is more difficult. It is good to be busy and be happy and have fun again. But it is difficult to be farther away from the space and time where Sloane was here and we held her and she felt so real. 

One of the things that helps this is to have wonderful people who remember her with us; people who really remember her and who feel the sadness and miss her with us. It helps to know we are not alone in this experience, and to know that she continues to be loved in spite of her physical absence, and to know she has made an impact in others' lives as well as our own. I have two incredible, beautiful, kind friends who each gave me a small remembrance of Sloane, but who also bought the same small remembrance for themselves. Both of these women have little girls about the same age Sloane would be, and it means the world to know that they have this remembrance and will think of her as they raise their own daughters. Because all anyone wants is to be remembered. 

6 months has past, and to many, I may appear fine. And indeed, in many ways I am fine. But I still have dark moments and times when nothing is ok and it's not fair and I don't know how I can go on and all I want is for her to be here. I want a do-over. 6 months feels like a very long time, and I feel very old compared to who I was a year ago. 

So while it has been a few days past since Sloane's 1/2 birthday, I remain grateful to those who remember me, but most importantly to those who remember her and continue to think of her.