I had my 6 week follow-up doctor's visit today.
There has been much anticipation surrounding this event for me ever since I called and made the appointment. I have been anxiously looking forward to it, knowing that I would be able to ask questions about Sloane and about my body. I had also been nervous about it, imagining it would be difficult to go back to the place where I had been so many times while pregnant with Sloane and see the people that helped me with her. The office also happens to be in the same parking lot as the hospital, so I knew that would be difficult.
Just as everything else has been, it was a mix of emotions going back, but these emotions were stronger than I anticipated. You see, I have been doing ok lately, and while I am having a hard time with the fact that I am doing ok, the truth is that I have been doing ok. So I thought that while it would be hard to go to this visit, it would be ok.
It was not really ok. I was quiet on the car ride there, I teared up walking inside and avoided eye contact with everyone, hoping to not see any pregnant women. I felt out of place in this place, because I was not pregnant and I did not have my baby. I felt like I didn't belong, because the only reason I ever went there before was when I was pregnant. I continued to tear up as I checked in to the office, and I started crying when they called my name to go back to the exam room. I started crying more as they got my weight and checked my blood pressure.
As much as you mentally prepare and visualize something difficult coming ahead of you, I don't think you can ever fully anticipate the range and depth of emotion that you will feel until you are in that moment. It was hard.
When my midwife came in, who continues to be one of my favorite people, we hugged and cried a little bit, but then it got better. We talked about Sloane and how her cord was long, and most likely, it got loosely knotted up when she was smaller, tightening once contractions started. We also talked about how if she had been alive during labor, she would have been able to help more with her positioning in the birth canal and probably wouldn't have come out chin first, which I like to think would've prevented some of her bruising and scratching.
I am recovering "beautifully" from the delivery, which is just another testament to me of how amazing bodies are. I have been in awe of myself (and pregnancy and birth in general) to a new level since having Sloane, and I continue to be amazed at what this body is capable of.
We also talked about the future and what that looks like for my little family. Josh and I have decided to try again right away for another baby. We have gone back and forth about this, and I have read countless other experiences and stories to try and wrap my head around what the best decision is. The truth is, there is no "best." Like everything else, there is no solution, no answer, no right or wrong in this situation. Which helps, but it also makes it harder because then we have to make our decisions and deal with the consequences. That's life, it turns out. So we have decided that it seems best for us that we try to have another baby.
Part of this decision is because we have loved the practice we have been at so much and would love to have another baby with them as our medical team. They know us and our story and that alone will make a world of difference. We know and trust them because they were there in our hour of need. Our midwife supports our decision to try again, and I know she will do whatever she can to help make it a good experience for us. I know it will be hard and there will be times I am nervous and anxious and unsure, but I know I will have the support to get through it. I will be able to have more ultrasounds this time and I will be able to get induced at 39-40 weeks. These 2 things already give me some peace. I think they will also let me come in to check the heartbeat whenever I want, which I imagine will be quite frequently :) I also imagine that I will become very familiar with using the nurse's line!
In this hard time, I am again grateful for the support of those around me. Today, I am especially grateful for a supporting midwife and practice.